I think I can count the times H has bought me a b'day present...I know he did two years ago, nothing at all special, because the women at work told him to. This year was my 40th, and I told H we were having a party, and it was being catered, so I didn't have to stay up 'till 4 every night the week before getting ready.
I added his b'day, and our 10th anniversary into it, and H got into it, invited lots of people, and we had a big bash. I got lots of presents, and had a good time. I was determined to enjoy my 40th, and I knew that's the only way it was going to happen.
Corri,
I've tried real hard to not have expectations, or to do things myself (I make my own cake) and celebrate, and tell myself it's cultural, etc etc, but it still feels bad when H doesn't do anything. Ask me about last year...
Choco and frog kind of summed it up for me, minus the "load of crap" comment. I know the whole Buddhist rap of, your expectations cause you suffering, you can only control your inner self, etc. And I admit that I have expectations. Are they reasonable? For example, I had expectations that married life would include a healthy sex life with my wife. That didn't happen. My (I think reasonable) expectations were not met. And yes, I suffer as a result of that. I can choose to change my attitude about this. I can become an ascetic celibate and revel in the wonder of nothingness. But that's not me...nor is it what I would ever want for myself. I am a sensual individual. I love to eat great-tasting food (and love to cook it); I love looking at beautiful things; and yes, I love to feel the touch of a woman when that touch is loving and especially when it is sexual.
I know I have choices. I can become celibate. I can divorce my wife. Neither of those, at least right now, appeal to me. I want a choice where I stay married to my wife. I am working on this and trying to maintain my sanity and, if I get to the point where I have to choose between the marriage and my sanity, I'll leave.
As for working on myself, I know you're right, Corri. I need to develop something, call it a hobby, call it a past-time, but something where I am not dependent on my W, and I can enjoy this "thing" without her intrusion. Somewhere along the line, I lost this part of myself. For the life of me, I can't come up with a single thing I'd like to do. That's kind of sick. Maybe I just need to dabble for a while.
Quote: CE: I have come to start believing that with women, NOTHING can be that simple. Sorry if this is coming out as a sexist comment, it is really not meant to be. men/women = two different animals. I guess it keeps it interesting.
Careful...remember there are a few of us here that are dealing with men who make things just as difficult. Yup, men + women are different (vive la differance!), but not so really defferent in the ways people like to think they are.
HD: that's the rub for me, things tend to become binary if no-one changes. On the one hand, no-sex Jane on the other hand, horn-dawg Joe. In the middle: a rocky relationship.
The eternal question is to find the compromise that will keep everyone happy. Good luck with that - we're all trying here, I think. Corri: I understand what you are saying, but I still think that the bottom line is that someone, or both, has to change in order to find the "third" solution (not divorce, and not celibacy) By that I mean that people's expectations have to change. HD needs to expect less sex, and his wife should expect more. That sums it up? Or did I miss the point again?
Hairdog, if you're looking for a hobby, I have a great way to make a small fortune (provided you start with a large one): amateur roadracing. I am hooked and blowing what little cash I can spare into trying to drive a slow car fast around a race track that turns both ways... The only time I have ever reached the "wall-socket sex" types of feeling have been while being completely absorbed in the task of driving, and staying alive while hanging on the hairy edge. Food for thought, anyway.
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
Roadracing. Not with my maple-syrup-fast reflexes, and my 20-400 vision. I have a 1972 Chevy pickup that I could work on, but I've never been a gear head, and I've got to find a hobby that costs little to nothing to engage in. Gardening is too much like a honey-do job, and W already has that market covered. I'll figure something out.
Quote: Careful...remember there are a few of us here that are dealing with men who make things just as difficult. Yup, men + women are different (vive la differance!), but not so really defferent in the ways people like to think they are.
Good point. Sorry about the quick generalization - I have become rather bitter about women in the past few years, and I am trying real hard to not become another Sacha Guitry (very obscure french theatrical reference... ten points and a candy bar for the first one who gets it )
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
)