Choco and frog kind of summed it up for me, minus the "load of crap" comment. I know the whole Buddhist rap of, your expectations cause you suffering, you can only control your inner self, etc. And I admit that I have expectations. Are they reasonable? For example, I had expectations that married life would include a healthy sex life with my wife. That didn't happen. My (I think reasonable) expectations were not met. And yes, I suffer as a result of that. I can choose to change my attitude about this. I can become an ascetic celibate and revel in the wonder of nothingness. But that's not me...nor is it what I would ever want for myself. I am a sensual individual. I love to eat great-tasting food (and love to cook it); I love looking at beautiful things; and yes, I love to feel the touch of a woman when that touch is loving and especially when it is sexual.
I know I have choices. I can become celibate. I can divorce my wife. Neither of those, at least right now, appeal to me. I want a choice where I stay married to my wife. I am working on this and trying to maintain my sanity and, if I get to the point where I have to choose between the marriage and my sanity, I'll leave.
As for working on myself, I know you're right, Corri. I need to develop something, call it a hobby, call it a past-time, but something where I am not dependent on my W, and I can enjoy this "thing" without her intrusion. Somewhere along the line, I lost this part of myself. For the life of me, I can't come up with a single thing I'd like to do. That's kind of sick. Maybe I just need to dabble for a while.
