Corri: If I'm interpreting your words correctly (I think I am!) then Hairdoggie should not be worrying about whether his expectations are reasonable or unreasonable because they are his perception only.
But if his personal preferences are being dismissed as ridiculous, then his only choice is to decide what to do about it. So instead of commiserating with him on what a bitch his wife was on his birthday, we should be encouraging him to formulate a plan on how to deal with her. What he will say, what the consequences will be towards her if she chooses not to comply, how he will proceed in the event of A happening, or B happening, etc.
Dog, I don't know if this will help you or not, but WB suggested on another thread that having an exit strategy in mind (not necessarily something you are going to act on right away, if ever) is a good exercise to do. I concur with that. Once I figured out exactly what my steps would be in doing my part to repair this marriage--including what would happen if I had no cooperation--I felt a huge weight lift off me. I was no longer prisoner; I was in control of this ride too. Maybe something like that would help?
I know your W is a formidable woman and you have a lot of hesitation in talkin to her about this subject but she will continue to walk all over you until you do. It's almost as if she KNOWS she's fulla crap in regards to her views on sex but she will persist as long as there is no one to call her bluff. And all the while she is telling herself that this is REAL, it is REALITY, etc. Well ya know what. It isn't. There is no one that would support her view that having sex with your husband once or twice a year is in any way healthy or beneficial to the feminist movement or conducive to a good marriage. She is fooling herself.
Have you ever asked her a question as direct as this: "If it came down to working on our sex life or divorce, what would you choose?"
It seems to me that this is the fear that holds you back from really confronting her--that she would rather D than work with you. I don't blame you for being gunshy about bringing it up. I personally would be devastated at the thought of divorce and it would be a very strong deterrant in bringing it up.
I hope for a good weekend for you. Maybe the hand on the side was a conciliatory move...
