Quote: That's because it's all about YOU, the HD partner. Don't you get that from your W all the time?
Like, a constant refrain here, dude! I once cut down nine dead oak trees, in preparation for our outdoor wedding, and almost killed myself. But, despite the fact that I had done it at her request, in her time frame, to her liking, I swear she told me that I had done it because I expected sex from her in return. Granted, I heard this from her years AFTER the wedding, so there was no turning back, but how's that for a double somersault with a full twist?
If all expectation of any form had been absent, what kind of day would it have been? And think about this. Could it be that the reason your situation is not improving is because you don't want it to? What then?
Corri: Do you really think this is possible? To not have ANY form of expectation on a special day such as a birthday?
I think expecting sex on your birthday is an iffy thing and yet expecting that they will be kind and generous to you is only fair, imo.
I suppose I just don't see how to separate expectations on special occasions, when the implication is that this day will be all about YOU, the birthday celebrant.
Quote: If all expectation of any form had been absent, what kind of day would it have been?
As I told my son, it would have just been a kinda crappy day.
Quote: Could it be that the reason your situation is not improving is because you don't want it to?
I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want my situation to improve. Not only do I want to have a better, happier, more sexier marriage, I want my kids to be happy when they're at my house, and I want to be around to watch DD3 grow up.
I don't like being a whiner. Although I enjoy reading and writing on this board, I wish I'd never found it, and wish I'd never read of SSM. I want things to be different and happier, but sometimes it seems that no matter what I say or do, it's not going that direction.
Do you happen to think that I enjoy this state of affairs? If so, why?
Corri: I thought about it some more and I realized that not only do I expect H to be kind and generous to me on my birthday; I expect it of him every single day. Otherwise, what does that say about what I think of myself?
I simply cannot bring myself to think that everything he does for me should be regarded as a gift and that there is never a time when expecting anything from your mate is acceptable. I need to read the book you read so that I can get a better grasp on it!
I'll let you know this coming Thursday goes for me. Granted, it will "only" be year 36. I doubt that the day will be special - more importantly, I'm not expecting it to be. I'll go to work like I usually do M-F, do all of my "daddy things" for the kids like I usually do, and probably fall asleep close to 10PM like I usually do.
Hairdog, this is so chillingly like my wife's response to our many, heavy conversations about this subject over the years, it's scary.
-- She's always "beat," and likes to announce it out loud to the family (or even out into the ether if there's no one around);
-- If I question any of it, she then says "she feels like she can't ever disagree with me," or she "has to walk on eggshells around me";
-- If I say I am tired of spending quality time with her (her primary LL) or giving her words of affirmation (her other LL), because I am getting none of mine (physical touch), she responds that "I can't ML to you -- or even be affectionate -- unless we've already worked on these other issues." It's a vicious catch-22!
-- It's made abundantly clear that I am going to have to be the one to make changes, and then sustain them for quite awhile -- "months or years" -- before she can feel comfortable giving me even AFFECTION like kissing, much less any semblance of a sex life;
-- She NEVER asks me what I want for my birthday, Christmas, or Father's Day. She will instead drag our kids to the mall with her, and they will buy me what THEY wish I would have (read, "wear"), so that I'd be more "cool" and "fashionable." Don't they know I'd be THRILLED to just have a g$dd$amned Best Buy gift card??
-- vent, vent, vent
I feel for ya, big guy. To do that on your birthday -- no matter WHAT issues you two may be having -- was a VIOLATION, as far as I'm concerned. Cheap shot, violation. There was nothing there that couldn't have waited until the next day for you to discuss.
Quote: cuz I plan on making up for all the lost time !
That's EXACTLY what my wife said, after tears and anguish and hours of late-night intimate, heart-felt convos about the pain and the reasons we had grown cold the way we had.
Then it all went right back to the way it was...
For the sake of your marriage, I hope you mean that, 'nymph, cuz telling a guy that and then not following thru hurts more than if it had never been said to begin with.
Choc, Do you mean she never gets you anything from her, only gifts "from the kids"?
How cold! That would really bother me and I am not a Gifts person by any stretch.
Although H did get me a waffle maker and a crockpot for Christmas, after promising me that he would get me something from Vic's Secret. I eagerly tore open the wrapping paper and when I saw the words Hamilton Beach, I thought I'd blow a gasket!
I do use the waffle maker and crockpot quite a bit but STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL................
