HD, Do you listen and discuss and consider and appreciate her?
Does she have a point?
It sounds like a cross between Words of Affirmation and QT to me, for what it's worth. I know that Corri has said that this is her LL too. She wants in depth conversations with her H as well as his time invested in the convo and to feel that he thinks she has something worthwile to say. This sounds like what your W is after.
I don't know, Hairy. I would be sorely tempted to call her on her PA birthday celebration for you. If THAT isn't PA, then I don't know what is. The entire time, from the "I don't want to get you a cake" to the yawning during dinner was a clear-but-passive way of saying, I hope you don't think this day is special to ME in any way.
As far as what you did, yeah, it was passive aggressive. I would straight up admit that to her (cause she will get worse and worse until you do) and apologize to her for not saying anything. Tell her that you were highly disappointed in her behavior on your birthday and her request to be dropped off (putting her own needs first and inconveniencing you on your bday) was the final straw.
Wish it had gone better; we were all rooting for you!
Thanks annette and HP. I did apologize for not consulting with her about picking up DS15. As it turned out, my initial concern (being late in picking him up) was wrong. I had time to drop her off and make it to school to pick him up.
I hadn't thought of her behavior surrounding the birthday as PA. I just don't think that way. Instead, I just think it's rude and thoughtless. If PA = rude and thoughtless, then this makes a bit more sense. I guess I need to do some more work on understanding PA. Maybe a major part of this fight was her "projecting" her PA onto me. Why does this have to be so hard? In the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"
Hey, I'm PA too! When I have a good EC going, I'm one way... and when the EC is a distant memory, I'm another way. Heaven forbid the W make an effort to maintain the EC and keep us from going into PA mode!
I hate that "I'm so tired" stuff!! What a crock of sh*t. My W does that to me all the time. It's like a signal from her to me... in my head, it translates to "don't initiate anything with me tonight" and "leave me alone." Besides the physical, this includes conversation on ANY level. I don't dare ask her to remember anything when she's in this "so tired" state of mind. FRUSTRATING!!
Thank goodness for kids. They're a good sanity-restorer (mostly). That hand-on-the-side thing is something that my W does too. Sometimes, I just want to remove it from my side and roll over. You know where THAT would go... downhill into an argument, real fast!
So, what do ya do to make it through the days when she's too tired? I keep myself busy with cleaning up and such (dishes, laundry, kids' stuff) and avoid W until I have to. I refuse to comiserate with her.
vent vent vent... darn, you got me doing it now too!
Well I have always thought of PA as behavior that makes another feel bad but is so sneaky that you can't really call them on it, at the time. They have covered their ass while still hurting others feelings. So while you COULD have called her on the "tired" talk during dinner or yawning or just plain appearing uninterested, she would have responded "I am just tired!! I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings! Why is it all about you?!"
My MIL is passive aggressive and, boy, is she hard to deal with sometimes. She will make plans with me and then "forget" about them..I have to call and remind her of them, etc. I guess it gives the person a feeling of power, I don't know. I really know very little about it, actually. I'm sure others here could give you better information.
But I do agree that your wife appeared to be projecting herself onto you. Or.....maybe you are both PA and both acting out this silent war against the other...?
I don't know, Dog, all I know is that a husband deserves a better birthday from his wife than what she coughed up. It was a piss poor effort and I hope she makes it up to you soon.
Chris: I actually told my wife that sometimes, when she asks me to do things, my thinking goes like this: "Why should I do anything for her? She's just a roommate. If she put a little effort into building up an EC with me, say by ML OR EVEN JUST KISSING AND HUGGING, I'd be happy to do x,y,and z." Of course, when WE act like that, then they don't feel like doing anything for or with us, so it just keeps on sliding downhill.
The problem is, when we do decide to take the first step to stop the downhill slide, and the second step, and the third (in other words, we do exactly what they ask us to do), they still don't kick in with their half of the deal. So they relegate themselves back to roommate status.
((((((Fuzzy))))))), So sorry to hear about your birthday bust. I'm feeling a little guilty about all the birthdays that H was hoping to ML and I didn't come through for him. Well, he better eat his Wheaties, cuz I plan on making up for all the lost time !
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Hey guys I swear you guys are talking about my W. This sounds exactly like everything that she does. She will beg me to do something for her. My first thought is why do I want to do anything for you. I have no EC. You have not do anything to bring that EC.
Like this morning I am getting ready for work my W tells me she wants to buy a house, and is looking at those house magazines. She tells me that we can sell the house and move in with her parents. I said no. I don't want to move in with your parents. Then she says that I could move in with my parents and she could move in with hers and still sell the house. I said no to that also. I mean really what the HELL is the point. So she gets mad. I finish getting ready for work and go to kiss her good bye and she will not kiss me becuase she is so mad. I told her that I thought that was very rude. Then I left.
Hairydoggiestyle: "Why should I do anything for her? She's just a roommate." Because she's your W. You need another reason? Don't get me started.
Quote: The problem is, when we do decide to take the first step to stop the downhill slide, and the second step, and the third (in other words, we do exactly what they ask us to do), they still don't kick in with their half of the deal. So they relegate themselves back to roommate status.
That's because it's all about YOU, the HD partner. Don't you get that from your W all the time? We try to make things better for us, and then in the heat of argument, it becomes a selfish all-about-us thing. It almost makes ya want to give up, right?
Annette 
! 