Well H and I had a long weekend together, off work from saturday till today. I was going to talk to him about several things, but didn't. Sat and Sun was not much to talk about, just usual stuff, cleaning, laundry, we did get some movies to watch. For the most part it was SOS. Mon and Tues we played tourists and had very full days, it was fun. Here is the confusion part.......... the things that I thought were cute or funny when we were first dating back 22 yrs ago are now pretty annoying to me. He likes to pick at me for different things, usually starts out as teasing (usually not something I think is funny) but he keeps on and on and on until I finally have to get mad to get him to stop and by that time I am pissed and don't want to be anywhere near him.
Most of you know, he has heart problems and partial impotency problems, have had sex problems between us for most of the time we have been married, but didn't have any type of physical contact between us for over 5 yrs. He decided he wanted to make things right between us and for the past 5 months has initiated sex on average once a month. Its mostly oral because he cannot obtain an erection enough to penetrate, and when that does happen, I have to remain completely relaxed or he can't penetrate. I have found that he is a selfish lover and I am still very unsatisfied. I feel like I should be wanting him to go see the dr again to see if this can be fixed in any way, but what I am finding is, I don't care I didn't initiate a conversation about it this past weekend because I have decided if he can't love me the way I want, then I don't want it. About once a month he initiates oral, which would be wonderful, but his mustache irritates me and he is not very good at it. I have tried to teach him, but he doesn't listen. Maybe I need counseling? I have gone to counseling once before, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't think she was very good and after several sessions I did not go back. I keep myself busy with different things that interest me, but I am still lonely.
Annette -- who will take any suggestions or criticism
I didn't initiate a conversation about it this past weekend because I have decided if he can't love me the way I want, then I don't want it.
Hi Annette, My feeling is that you need to speak up. Your H is a distancer and likes the status quo...meanwhile you are miserable. Trust me, he knows his comments are annoying you and making you move away---exactly what he wants! I think you have to get back into the "fight" in all of this...I don't mean hitting him over the head with everything, but choosing an area and addressing it with him in a no-nonsense style. I know you have had moments of success...reread those posts, and get back in the game! All my best, Journey
Annette: I don't know if I have any suggestions. I am always so sorry to hear of your predicament. This is one of those fine-line distinctions between having someone who has a permanent physical disability, and having someone who has a mental block keeping them from getting further treatment to try to make it easier for themselves and their loved ones.
I hope some of the regulars have some suggestions for you. {{{annette}}}
I think my major problem here is I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life fighting this. There is a very small amount of caring about the situation, but believe me its not like most of you who really long to have an emotional and physical relationship with your spouses. Most of what I read here seems to be small amounts of happiness that doesn't last long, then it starts all over again with the one desiring the EC fighting another battle to regain that. I just don't know if I have that kind of fight in me. I'm tired of fighting it. I know that marriage is work, hard work. Seems to me alot of spouses don't want to do the work. Maybe thats what I should tell him, that I'm so very tired of doing the work with him only doing work once a month. Anyway I know this is something I have to decide for myself, nobody can tell me what to do or think. I just really needed to vent some this morning. Thanks Annette
I'm fairly new at this, so I don't have any advice, but I'm not new to the feeling of being 'picked on' by your spouse. My H does the same - since when we were dating, he would constantly correct my Finnish - to the point that it embarressed everyone we were with. At the time, I thought it kind of cute and him trying to be helpful, but even though I do make mistakes, I speak fluently now (I teach in Finnish all day!), and H still refuses to speak Finnish with me, since I 'speak so poorly'. He has been known to correct my English as well If it's not that, it's the way I clean house...little things so that by the end of the day I end up feeling drained. And like you, I don't really feel much like being with my H.
My hope, in finding this place, is to work on myself. To regain some of my own strength, and maybe that way to get H to stop pushing me away.
I can't imagine having the added problem of a chronic illness, and my heart goes out to you and others here dealing with that.
But I did want to let you know that your venting did some good - I've been feeling pretty stressed today, and it was good to read that I'm not alone.
heapmom said: ------------------- I speak fluently now (I teach in Finnish all day!), and H still refuses to speak Finnish with me, since I 'speak so poorly'. He has been known to correct my English as well -------------------
Next time he does this, call his behavior in a nice way.
Hubby: "Don't slur your R's!" heapmom: "Please don't correct me that way again. It was okay when I was first learning your language, now it is simply annoying."
Be firm, don't be angry.
If he speaks to you in english, answer him in Finnish.
He has to learn what your boundaries are. Since you are the only one that knows what they are, it is up to you to teach them to him.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
For a long time I was a lot like your husband. I could nit-pick on my wife all the live-long day. I know that the lack of intimacy we are now experiencing was at least half my fault. She became a nitpicker in response. Nowadays I try to catch myself when an unpleasantness bubbles up from the unconscious.
After reading books like SSM I decided that I could improve our relationship even if only I was interested in making an effort at it. I actually believe it will improve, and there is mounting evidence that it already is.
I don't know what my point is, except that people can change if they want to.
P.S. Can't H at least shave off the mustache? Does he know that it would make it easier for him to please you?
Paul, whose W won't tolerate any facial hair on her H.
Yes, he went to the drs about 10 yrs ago, only after I was at him for over a year to do it. They didn't find anything wrong with him medically, but put him on testosterone anyway. When that didn't do anything he would not go back. A while after that viagra came out and he went back, got some, but said it didn't work. He says all it did was give him a horrible headache, so that was when he moved into the spare room. 5 yrs ago he had 2 heart attacks and a double bypass surgery. That may have had something to do with it, but my guess is he has some issues that he will not deal with. Anyway, thats just what I think, what do I know
I have mentioned that the mustache irritates me. He has trimmed it back some. I think the whole point of my posting yesterday was to vent some and to try to figure out what I need to do, to be happy. Think I am going to look into some counseling for myself. I have alot of resentment towards him and the way he was this past weekend just made it worse for me. He refuses to come back into the bed with me. I don't initiate sex at all, at first it was because I didn't want to push him, but now I just don't care. The times he has initiated in the past 5 months (after nothing for over 5 yrs) I found it hard to even get turned on by him. If this marriage is going to work, we both have alot to work on.
I didn't initiate a conversation about it this past weekend because I have decided if he can't love me the way I want, then I don't want it. About once a month he initiates oral, which would be wonderful, but his mustache irritates me and he is not very good at it. I have tried to teach him, but he doesn't listen. Maybe I need counseling? I have gone to counseling once before, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't think she was very good and after several sessions I did not go back. I keep myself busy with different things that interest me, but I am still lonely. 
If it's not that, it's the way I clean house...little things so that by the end of the day I end up feeling drained. And like you, I don't really feel much like being with my H.