Dear Pam and Lyreal, I was really glad to hear that you were able to save your marriages! Or at least are on the path to it....I'm really happy for your happiness and remember feeling the joy after a brief separation and then reconciliation with my now X in l996.
Pam: I misspoke when I wrote my comment about 'minds not being open'in the same paragraph that began "Meredith and Pamela" ...the comment was made my Meredith,not you, and I may have even paraphased. I don't believe I said anything about your thinking that you were right and someone else was wrong'...so perhaps you can see how easy it is for all of us to make assumptions based on what we thought we read or heard or saw or felt. I've never backed down from any discussion, believing that kind people can disagree on almost anything and still be friends. Sounds like you feel the same way. When I said I might get hammered, I was really thinking that it would be for my stating that I believe most men are weak....and it really is a generalization that I should NOT believe, I just do.
I also assumed that you might not have walked in the shoes of a LBS with a very long term marriage, facing the long term effects of divorce. If I was in err, I apologize.
I can see that the title of the thread might have attracted Pen and that she was only trying to let others see inside her head. But it seems that the title really wasn't about seeing inside anybody's head...wasn't it about the Dr. Phil show where he didn't let the OWs rationalize there way out of accountability? Sometimes I try to come up with a catchy title, and maybe that's what was done there...but I really have no idea.
I agree that this isn't about you vs. them...I can't remember exactly what you posted on the MLC thread but I don't think it left me feeling that you were COMBATIVE. I think it left me feeling that you weren't seeing both sides of the sitch and that you were instead writing in support of and defense ofm your friend. As to what they said about OWs as being 'not nice'...hmmm. I can't think of anything nice to say about MY particular OW. I've heard hours of her talking to my now X...and no, I just can't think of anything nice to say. I admit that I thought MOST of what was said on the posts about names was kinda funny, but then, I have a really skewed sense of humor. (2 bits cracked me up. and there is another one, something about peanut butter I think)
Not nice? Oh probably not, but then not nice to whom? The OW? I find myself perplexed as to why I should be nice to the OW. Perhaps I spent more time reading about 'an eye for an eye' at Bible school, but no, I don't feel at all bad about not being nice to the OW. Actually, I'd love it if someday I get the cojones to hit my X upside the head with a 2 x 4 and she manages to get in the way on the second crack. But then, that's me.
I do believe you have a good point re this board being open to all...and I think that telling Pen she didn't belong here was rather strong, if that was said. (I remember someone ASKING Pen if she was having problems in her marriage and if that is why she was here...but I may just have missed someone saying that the OW doesn't belong on the marriage restoring, divorce BUSTING board. Of course, I doubt that there are many OWS who are trying to save their philandering boyfriend's marriages, do you?) Michele does say to try to understand your H..ya know, the man you are trying to reconnect with, to understand, to love...but that is the person you are bonded to , committed to, have a history with, etc. She doesn't advise becoming friends with the OW does she?
Yes, assumptions do get tiring...I agree with you 100%. And tho I love the internet, the writing of words without hearing the intonation behind them makes for lots of hurts and misunderstandings. That's why I think it best to just leave that other post to LBS who have lost their marriages and whose H's or Xs had OWs that weren't nice. But posting here or on a new thread, maybe in Forgiveness, would be uplifting to many and I hope you'll consider it (and maybe without mentioning the brouhaha on the other post.)
I'm glad you were able to forgive the OW that was involved with your H. I'm glad that it brought you comfort and healing and maybe even saved your marriage. Is your H in a form of MLC do you think? I can also understand how, since it worked for you that you would like to share it, or help Pen share it, with others. I would bet that if you went back to that post, under an assumed name, and told YOUR story and how you were able to forgive and how it helped you heal, that the women posters there would write back a very supportive response and even say that that they are working towards that. But since we will never really know the levels of betrayal and resultant trauma that the individuals here have suffered, we really can't expect that our medicine might actually work for them in the same way.
good luck to you in your marriage and keeping your family together. Please don't run away from posting...just maybe leave that particular posting alone for awhile. I enjoyed discussing with you.
