Hi Bets, It's been awhile since I've talked withh you, and with YOUR threads it is always so hard to catch up if you've been away for like a DAY even. I think you must hold some kind of record for number of postings to your posts!!!!
I'm so sorry about the drop outs in the golf tournament. I suppose you could just P/A them to death by sending a cute little card with a POCKET that says: we will miss you so much, but appreciate none the less your generous donation. (and maybe....without your support we could never do the things we do. Thanks and GodBless.) Gee, I am getting the hang of this P/A stuff finally. HA!
I really do think that people would know enough to still contribute their sign up fee, even if they couldn't play in the tournament. I don't play golf but if you ever do a tennis thingie, sign me up!
I was crying reading about you at D7s back to school night. How painful to be able to do nothing but accept that some things just ARE. I do believe in miracles Bets, and I am praying for a breakthrough with Angelman's Syndrome (did I spell that right?)
Dear Pen: I am glad that Meredith and Pamela came to your rescue BUT I'd like to offer a different perspective if I may. I didnt' post over on MLC but I recently read the whole thing. I think this might be a matter of: good intentions can still hurt others instead of a matter of some people being unable to grow or see the other side. I could spend hours explaning, which would bore everyone to death but instead I will try to be concise (not my strength.) From reading here, I understand that Pen was an OW and that she had regrets and started here with somewhat of a mea culpa explanation. But the people on MLC don't know that. Perhaps you were only trying to help some posters who were finding a bit of humor in this horrid and painful situation of being the LBS but the thing is Pen, your comments may have been better accepted had they come from a LBS who had finally found some peace and healing from her life being destroyed or from their Pastor or therapist, than coming from a self-admitted OW. Can you see where your advice might seem very self-serving to the LBS?
Moving on: the comment someone made about the LBS making up names for the OWs and the OWS namecalling the LBS and isn't it all the same thing. Well, I don't think so. If we are calling the WAS the 'prize' then the OW has the prize so why the hell would she be calling his wife names? Didn't she already 'win' the 'prize'? And what does the LBS have left except the destruction of her family, bills, picking up the pieces and trying to help her children deal with a mess NOT of her making, while she's trying at the same time to heal herself? If you haven't been a LBS with an OW involved, then it may be hard to understand what they are going through. And when I say not of her making, I don't mean the LBS is blameless for the problems of the marriage. I mean that in most cases here, the LBS isn't the one who ran away and refused to face the problems and try to solve them.
As for none of us being perfect, I have read volumes of all the women who posted on that site and I can't recall even one of them not admitting to their faults in the marriage. I also believe that we CAN make a committment that we will never get involved with a married man. I made that committment when I was a teenager and I am now 56 and have never once thought of not honoring it....even the guy who sent his private jet to Aspen to pick me up to take me to Mardi Gras....I found out he was not divorced the day before the plane's arrival and it went home empty. I think originally my committment was because I just thought more of myself and expected more from women. Later, I saw the damage that the OW can do to a struggling marriage. I read a book the other day, ironically called "other women'(but it wasn't about adultery, it was about women's Rs with other women)..a fictional therapist character said that it was impossible for the LBS to compete with the consistency and power and number of affirmations that the OW would be giving to the WAS. And I'll probably get slammed here, and probably deserve it, but IMHO, men are weak and they go where they get stroked (pun intended).
So, Pen, I honestly don't believe you intended on hurting the women who were posting there, but I also believe that their comments back were deserved. The truth may be that if these women could forgive the OW that they might sooner be able to heal...I won't dispute that; nor do I beleive that any of them would. But the point that might have been lost (in translation?) is that the truth should never have come from an OW, no matter how repentent the OW is.
Hope I haven't come across as insulting, I really don't think at this point I could take a hammering from you, so it is with some risk that I state my feelings here.
I will add a few things that I have gleaned throughout my personal ordeal. If my X marries or continues his R with the OW, I refuse to have anything to do with her. NOr do I want her in any way in my child's life. If my X marries another woman, then I have no problem (except for I am sure some jealously or envy) with that person, as she is not and was not (in my case) an OW. I forgave my H, even tho he didn't ask to be forgiven. But the whore (and yes, I imagine that will sting, Pen, but I do think of her that way and feel the appelate fits)didn't and hasn't felt any remorse, nor asked to be forgiven. I do pity her, because instead of a prize she has one a very damaged man. And I pity her because I can't imagine how she could have any self-respect (though I grant that I am probably putting my value system onto her). I've had to deal with an OW who sent me a photo of them in bed together, smiling at the camera. I've had to deal with an H who swore on his daughter's life that he wasn't having an affair and a man who then told his daughter that he was upset that she couldnt' be happy for him. I don't think people should be forgiven for these transgressions without their admitting to them and being remorseful, but again, that's just my opinion and the way I live my life. I wouldn't try to tell you how to live yours.
I think you chose the right thing to do by saying you were sorry and leaving that post site and I want to commend you for doing so.
Meredith and Pamela: I think it fine that you were standing for your friend. But somehow it sticks a little in my craw that you came over here and commented that 'some people just can't open their minds and hearts'...First, I think you are wrong in assuming that about them and second, I would like to think that you'd have the same compassion and empathy for them that you have for Pen. These women have lost the most important thing in their lives, their families. and because it was in the MLC thread, it is my impression that most of these women were in 25 year or longer marriages...the loyalties and ties and bonds run deep. Perhaps you can't comprehend the pain that they are suffering; but from personal experience I can tell you that it is worse than a death, much worse. The only thing I can think of that would be worse is the death of a child, and some of these women have suffered that too.
Yes, this board best serves when we all remember that we must offer the same compassion as we hope to receive from others. Yes, at times we are all a bit self centered in our grief and we all tend, at times, to jump to faulty assumptions and categorizations. We all need to learn more about humility, pridefulness and compassion.
