Diving back into the ocean

[Underdog]

Well, I finally had the big talk with Mr. Wonderful tonight. There have been some indicators that this discussion would take place soon, and true to form, he called me at my office from his cell phone on his way to the house after work.

I'm at a loss to remember exactly how the conversation played out, so I'll have to recap here to the best of my ability. Here goes!

He said he figured out that I had really made my decision a month or so ago as the pressure has really been off of him and he's felt at peace being with me. He asked me if I had noticed we had been able to be at ease with each other during this time frame? I said yes.

He told me he's been doing a lot of thinking over the summer, and for the life of him, can't figure out why he has been so unhappy. He let me know that he was ready to call our MC and begin his journey healing in IC because he trusted him and was a good listener.

That was music to my ears. Through a few sniffles I told him that all I really want for him is to heal and be happy, and that I'm prepared to make the break so that we can both move forward.

He asked if I thought a D was necessary? I asked him what he thought, and he told me candidly, "Bets, every time I think I might want to work on things with you, I vacillate back to feeling like it's not really possible. There are times when I am really doubtful that I have what you need. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to love you like that again."

I told him, "Well, I think that your thoughts on that are exactly why I think this path is necessary. I don't want any reconciliation work to interfere with your ability to heal. I can be your friend as you travel down that path, but I can only do that if my own happiness isn't tied to your progress. Does this make sense?"

He said, "Yes, actually it makes perfect sense. And I appreciate the fact that you are willing to let me do that. Sometimes I think I'm selfish for needing to put my happiness before the girls and yours. But the other part of me realizes if I'm not happy or putting myself in a position to make myself happier, I'm not helping you or the girls in the long run. I'm so sorry for hurting you all."

I let him know that I don't want him to hurt anymore. That the worst is behind us. That we could really concentrate on our friendship and cement our R so that the girls would not feel as though they had lost either one of us. He responded favorably and thanked me for my input.

He then volunteered some information. He finally realized that how he was raised had everything to do with his inability to share emotion with me, and said he really wanted to spend some time figuring out how his conflict avoidance came about. He mentioned his R with his mother...

I told him I'm reading a book for women (Women Who Love Too Much) that is actually something that he might benefit from reading because it discusses this issue. He seemed interested...

We discussed D10 and how she acts and what her emotions mean to both of us. He promised to start addressing this previously taboo subject with her when he can and mentioned that he will no longer skirt the issue when it arises. I let him know I would be grateful for his help.

We then went back to the topic of happiness. I apologized for all the years that I was unhappy and blamed him. I let him know that when I projected my anger on to him and the girls, I was really angry with myself. Angry for not taking better care of myself. Angry for not letting him know in a mature way that I was hurting and needing his attention. Angry that neither one of us had any answers and angry that we were both resentful of one another.

He was thoughtful and replied, "Yes, we were. And it makes me sad too. We had so much going on with D7 for so long that neither one of us was able to venture outside our own pain to think about the bigger picture. To your credit, when you brought it up, I couldn't deal with it."

I said, "That's why I can look back and feel compassion for both of us. We dealt with a very difficult situation the best we knew how. Nobody knew the hell we were going through, therefore, nobody could help. I know we should have done things differently, but the fact is, we did many, many things right.

But you know what? Last week, I was a little surprised that some of these emotions, which are primarily grief, surfaced with what D7 was going through. It was weird."

He commented, "Funny you say that, because I was thinking the same thing. I finally let myself feel some of the stuff I refused to deal with before. It was definitely uncomfortable."

By the time I got home from work, he and D7 were in the garage. They were both happy to see me. I had done all the dinner prep last night, so he had it ready by the time I got home. We all sat down at the dinner table and had a very peaceful time--well, as peaceful as dinner can possibly be with D7...

He handed me his part of D10's homework assignment, and I read it through. The last question of this questionnaire was "Is there something I need to know about your child?"

He wrote something along the lines of, "Her mom and I are separated, not divorced. Occasionally she has issues which may result in varying emotions which might seem unprovoked and inexplicable. Her mom and I are working hard to make sure that we address her concerns so that she can be the student she wants to be."

For some reason, that answer made me happy. I think not because of the message. But because he is finally seeing how this has played out for D10 and potentially for D7.

I did let him know that I'm not sorry about the path we have taken. That I'm ready to be his friend as he embarks on his own journey to fulfillment. He thanked me once again. I segued into another tangent to this mess...

I let him know that I consider my family still his and vice versa and let him know that my parents would like for all of us to come back to DC for Thanksgiving. He seemed a bit surprised so I continued, "I know it's your year to have the girls, but my folks are well aware that we need to take our own separate paths and nobody wants you to feel as though you are in the hot seat. Besides, my dad really misses you."

He got a little choked up and said it sounded lovely, but that he needed to check his work schedule to see how that was going to play out. He said he thinks he will decide to give D10 a shot at seeing that her parents CAN be friends for her sake. And I'm all for that. He likes my sister and BIL and my brother will be there too.

God, this makes me really sad, but at the same time, it really makes me happy. No wonder you guys think I'm confused! But I'm not! It's just the result of letting go and letting God. I'm pretty sure this is the path He wants us to take, because I feel at peace with everything so far.

It's not so scary to submit, you guys. It's scarier to resist. Because I know we're all going to be happier because of this.

Have a good night, all!

Betsey