Diving back into the ocean

[Underdog]

Cathy,

Thanks for stopping by. I hope your time away from the BB helps give you a sense of what you need to do to take care of yourself and your son.

When you make it out my way, let me know and we'll hook up. I love it here myself, though I've only been here 14+ years... this eastern girl considers the Centennial State home. It's a golfer's paradise (hint hint) and just plain wonderful for any outdoor activities. I hope you can make it!

While I'm glad you find my posts uplifting, I'm sorry you were affected by my decision. (((((Cathy))))) That's part of the reason I pulled back from posting my stuff on the BB for several weeks. I received lots of e-mail messages from posters who felt as though I had made a bad decision.

All I can tell you is that I knew that the timing of everything had to be an issue. I am a very intuitive person, and all my bells and whistles were telling me to pay close attention to what was happening on the side lines as Mr. Wonderful started uttering words about missing me. Incidentally, he still says those words to me and I am okay with them... because I miss him too.

The red flags were too big to ignore. That's when I had to really delve inward and figure out how I really felt. After all, my journey really started 2 years ago. I kept my eyes on the goal, and learned how to put aside my anxiety and doubt for the sake of healing my M. Once I really allowed myself to openly do this, with no thought as to anyone else but my own soul (for an abrupt departure from the norm), these things came out at me like monsters out of my bedroom closet at night.

Frankly, it frightened me too.

I think the reason some people were disappointed with me is because I've always worn a label that reads, "I'm Betsey, and I always do what other people think is right for me." I realized that I'm now grown up, and I deserve to choose things that are good for me, and to stop being a martyr for everyone else's sake.

My journey is really only limited to me, and not intended to persuade anyone else into making the decisions that I made. However, I suspect there are a few people here who felt it was time to examine their own hearts and souls because of the choice I made.

I would never call you a fool or say you are weak, Cathy. Your dynamic is best left to you to decide what is best for you and your son (and ultimately your H). I do have some experience with alcohol and drug addictions (not myself) and it is really doggone difficult to navigate. Chemical dependencies affect a large group of people, not just the person who is addicted.

And let me tell you, I logged enough time in Al-Anon to understand the concept of roles and how I put myself into dramas where I shouldn't even have been auditioning. I won't lie to you, because once I refused to play the roles everyone expected of me, I became the enemy. I was considered combative and hardened just because I refused to continue to allow my parents to play victims with my brother, and to enable my 36 year old brother to continue hurting us as a family with his horrid choices, behaviors and lies.

That being said, I feel compassion toward you and your circumstance. I would NEVER deem it appropriate to tell you to follow my lead. Now if you end up going down this path, I welcome your company. (We'll have a party of our own.)

I can promise you that allowing Mr. Wonderful to live a life separately from me doesn't feel like I've abandoned him at all. In fact, I feel as though being good friends is actually 99% likely. That is the guy I've missed for so long. And if he's happier, it can only trickle down to the rest of us--particularly my girls.

I still wake up in the morning and find myself feeling some sadness that I will never have my M back. But I keep remembering all those adages that have been thrown my way over the 2 years we've been emotionally and physically separated: I can no longer cling to the past to help me in the future. We are different people, and therefore, our decisions must be made to help us going forward, not to pay tribute to a past which got us where?

Anyway, I will say for sure that once I found myself with a little more control over decisions that affected me, I was able to rationalize this more.

What can possibly be negative about my outcome? He's still here for me on a daily basis, and we talk several times a day. He still does things for me around the house that are either tough or impossible for me. And he does them with a smile, particularly when I express gratitude for his generosity.

He's present for our girls. He's willing to work with me on scheduling, and except in the beginning days of our separation, has been very willing to give me time I need when I need it (without playing the martyr card). He gives me money when he thinks I need it. And when I ask for a little help (which I just did), he sighed and said to me, "Bets, all you need to do is ask. It's my job to take care of you guys."

That actually brings a tear to my eyes... because I'm really happy he feels that way. I know he feels love for me, Cathy. And I know this makes people sad that we won't be making this a marriage once again. But I don't want that anymore. I really just want to concentrate on myself for awhile. And to leave the past where it is and work harder toward making my future happier. I can do it with him too... just not in the context of having him home and not working on himself.

Quite honestly, he escapes his reality in alcohol as well. And my past is riddled with addictions in those I love. I really want to change that from here on out. Yes, D10 feels compelled to tell me that she thinks there has been little change in his drinking habit aside from the fact that he no longer drives under the influence. That at least is a good change from 2 years ago!

I pray you find peace in your journey as well. You have a lot of gumption and resolve, and I doubt I would have been able to be as positive and strong as you are knowing where my past has been. Alcohol addictions and codependency issues are just too big for me to deal with now... So you deserve a lot of praise for choosing a very tough road for the sake of your family.

My only thoughts are to make sure you're taking care of you. Your son needs a healthy mom, you know?

Take care, sweetie and have a great weekend.

Betsey