As much as I've said I would not be continuing to journal my stuff here, I've had a change of heart. Some of this is really painful to me, and I wasn't sure how I felt about posting this out here for everyone to see. Every decision has its consequences.
But more and more, I'm reading posts from others who are having trouble navigating through the spots I've already wiggled through. The caretaker in me feels compelled to help. I know I don't belong in Piecing anymore, but since I'm still piecing myself together and you guys know me, I'm going to remain here for the time being.
Here's the link to my last thread, just for continuity sake:
I last left off with my decision not to reconcile with Mr. Wonderful, my H of nearly 14 years. We have not yet had the big talk, mostly due to an extreme level of stress that is going on for us personally right now. I sense it is not a good time for either one of us to add this to the mix.
After all, we both know it's coming and we seem to be better friends now than we have been in the past 3 years. That thought is extremely comforting to me.
We've had a nightmare of a summer, mostly because the girls (known fondly here as D10 and D7) have been in a precarious predicament with summer supervision. For the first time in more than 5 years, they are together at the same camp.
Mr. W. and I have made a deliberate decision to keep them separated for one really good reason: we don't want D10 to be put in a position of being her sister's spokesperson, surrogate mother, verbal interpreter or caretaker. It's a role that she assumes naturally, but we don't want her being forced to do something no child should be doing. That job is best left to me and her dad.
Unfortunately, the camp program they are in is less than ideal. The adults do not have any disciplinary boundaries, and this is clearly bad for D7, who MUST be in a structured environment. It's also not good for the typical children, who need good boundaries and enforcement.
Last week, Mr. W. confronted the director of the program and told her that D10 does a better job of taking care of her sister than they do, and maybe we should be paying her to assume the responsibility? The director was not pleased with his pointed comment, but since she told me that they have few rules and the place is chaotic, well, she had to eat those words.
Add her medical difficulties to the mix, and you have 2 frustrated parents. I'm taking off Thursday for D7s endoscopy, which will tell us if her ulcers have returned and if her nissen is still intact. For those non-medical types, a nissen is a laser surgery that wraps the upper portion of the stomach around the esophagus to prevent reflux (commonly called GERD). She had the surgery at 9 months and we believe that it's no longer intact. If these 2 conditions exist, then we need to devise another medical game plan and reschedule the surgery.
Another day in the life!
My decision to work on my friendship with Mr. W. while not in the context of a M is still holding true. He's out buying new furniture for his apartment, so I'm fairly sure he is feeling relief at my perceived decision.
D10, however, is not.
She is angry with both of us right now. Angry with me just because she is a girl, and girls are naturally mad at their mom. She accepts the fact that I accept blame for our demise, and oddly enough, she is very supportive of me as well.
She refused to go to her dad's apartment last night. Since we were both crabby, Mr. Wonderful grabbed D7 and bolted quickly. I don't blame him! But as usual, I was there to clean up a big mess. And D10 was a mess.
She admitted to me that she had eavesdropped on the closed door convo (nearly 2 years ago) where her dad told me he was moving out--she remembered vividly that he said he did not love me and wasn't sure how long it had been since he knew he loved me.
She told me that she went through all the photo albums, and she pulled out some pictures to prove that he was happy. But as she started to cry, she told me that her dad was no longer the man she once loved more than life itself. That he had changed, and not for the better.
As I sat at her feet and held her hands while she bawled, I asked her if she could understand how I feel, applying the same thoughts of him not being the same man I married? She nodded through her tears and said sadly, "Mom, I really don't blame you."
I did concede that I have no familiarity with how she feels, as my parents are still happily married to each other. I think she felt better with a little validation.
She did close our chat with one train of thought: that she wished she was more like D7, who is always happy to see everyone. She then shared a goodbye story with me, and that made her cry harder.
Yesterday afternoon, one of the summer camp TA's said his goodbye, as he is leaving for college on Wednesday. He's been there for a couple years, and he grew to be very fond of D7, despite her antics.
He made a choked goodbye to the kids, when D7 came up to him and smiled broadly and then signed for him to put his arm out, making a hand gesture that he started with the kids... knuckle to knuckle, as a gesture of caring similar to a high five. I guess this poor kid started to bawl hard, which is when D7 put her arms around him and hugged him around his midsection.
D10 said all the kids started to cry... and she said for a few minutes, she was really proud of her sister for her ability to make people feel loved.
D10s C is off on vacation and I will be making an appt with her as soon as school starts (next week) and our schedule falls back into a familiar routine.
I'm at peace with my decision and my path. I'm blessed with a wonderfully supportive family and a terrific group of friends, both on and off the BB. I won't lie to you and say this isn't the toughest part of my path so far. It is.
The hard work has definitely paid off. I can definitely apply the lessons I've learned over the past couple years to build on something that has rewards and a whole lot of potential... my life living for me.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Now the serious side (TKKC1--I'm on another mindless conference call where I can work and post at the same time).
Betsey, all this stuff just breaks my heart concerning the kids and what we put them through. I was looking at a picture of Eddy's kids last night and almost cried. We do our best, but there is no tippy-toeing around the emotions of these angels and how these events will shape their lives. Of course, your situation with D7, and her ongoing medical issues has really shown me something about love, dedication, and overcoming some of the greater difficulties that life throws our way--apart from our love lives. So, I'll continue to pray that you can do the best you can for your girls.
I still want to hit Mr. W. with 2 x 4 (after I'm through with my W). But I guess wood shatters all over the place when it hits something really, really hard so I'd probably just end up with a splinter in my eye.
I appreciate your being here for others. You were one the first ones that allowed me to open up myself more to others and are truly one of my only female friends outside my W's orbit or my professional setting. TKKC1 and I were talking about how each of us got sucked into our W's orbits and lost touch with our past friends--especially the ladies--for me anyway.
One of things that draws me back to the board (apart from my desire to be fired) is a willingness to help others and let them know we CAN be okay--not perfect, but okay. I can only hope that I give to others as much as you have given me.
Btw, while TKKC1 made three pound burgers, salad, chips, corn and had beer (I think I would have been better off at your gym) but he did not have Guiness. And NY ladies--if things don't work out, this guy is a catch (I'm pimping again!).
Welcome Back, (((((Betsey))))) -
The way I see it you belong 'here' or 'there' or anywhere, your friends will follow you where you feel best.
I am (perhaps selfishly) glad to see you back. I do learn a lot from reading your posts & thoughts & outcomes. You have a way of clearly explaining things that often has me thumping my head in an "A-Ha Moment".
You do have a lot going on with the girls - I can only imagine how draining that is for you. I do hope D7's tests come out okay.
I am so impressed by D10! I barely have the tools today at 43 to work through feelings as she does with you. You are providing her a gift that will serve her well throughout her life. You should be proud.
Thank you for posting. I am not one to tell people what to do (except for the kiddos), but I was really hoping that you would post again. Your decision should not be treated as an on/off switch to your DB efforts. I am so glad that you made the decision to post again on your terms. Not only will others benefit, so will you, and I'm happy you didn't lose sight of that.
Can you believe the life lesson your D7 has shown us? I've had the distinct pleasure of meeting this little girl, and I can tell everyone, she's got a smile thats infectious and will just melt your heart. Truly a gift from God. And for her to recognize pain and try to comfort those who are in pain, no matter who they are, shows the heart this little girl has that I only dream of having. Truly wonderful.
I admire your D10 for being honest and forthright with you about her feelings towards the D. For those who are going through a D, and I am witness to this, it is much harder on the kids than it is the husband and wife. You being the pillar of strength through the last two years has resulted in your D10's admonishment of her lack of respect to her dad. Yes, he is not the same man as he was years ago, when she was younger. But that is his fault and his fault alone. I stand here and actually feel remorse for him. As a dad myself, I can't imagine my child saying that he/she does not like me anymore. It breaks my heart just to think of it. I hope that your Mr. W realizes this and takes action. This is a damaged R that will take work and time to mend. I only hope he does get the gumption to repair the R with his D10. No, I pray.
I have chatted with you many times, and I do see the peace within yourself. But I also have seen the struggle and the weight carried by you with the stresses of life. Please remember, take care of you. Remember the path of what brought you today. What got you here and what has brought you to the person you are today. The person we all love.
And yes, the path will start to get bumpy, but there are alot of people willing to walk with you.
All smiles today!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
I'm sure it would be a real waste of money to buy perfectly good 2x4s and destroy them to smithereens. How about you come out and help me finish my basement with them instead? It's sort of high on my priority list where the house is concerned... and I promise to keep you supplied with Guinness?
I have to admit, I choked on my coffee when I read this:
Quote: One of things that draws me back to the board (apart from my desire to be fired) is a willingness to help others and let them know we CAN be okay--not perfect, but okay.
It was that middle clause in parentheses that got me giggling.
You're right. No matter what happens, we will be okay. And no matter what happens, my girls have 2 parents that love them unconditionally.
I figure that at the end of this road, I'll have given D10 enough stuff to work this out for herself. Nobody said life was easy... or fair. I wish I could have a magic wand to wave this away for her, but that would be along the lines of a fairy tale. And I don't live a fairy tale life, nor will I ever.
To quote my friend, Shrek, "Like that's gonna happen."
H2H and TJ, I'm glad you feel I belong here posting. It's something I really had not wanted to do, so knowing that you guys feel I need to do this and it helps others makes it more worthwhile.
And please don't underestimate the power of your gifts, Merrick. You have given me more to chew on than you will ever know. Perhaps it's your path to Christianity that has me humbled? I struggle with my Catholicism--not my faith in God--and I constantly weigh my conscience against what my faith teaches me. Since I'm somewhat of a cerebral thinker, I struggle with the differences.
But that's a story for us to share after mass again, and next time I get to buy you breakfast. We'll just hope I don't get a free show before mass... cuz next time, I'm gonna drag you into the alley to bear witness to the stuff I see during my daily life.
Let's pimp you for a change? I think you sell yourself short, my friend. You've got a killer sense of humor with an intelligence I've never encountered before. But they are balanced well with a big heart and a level of caring you feel toward others. I think your actions speak loudly, friend. And the rest of us ladies appreciate those qualities in a man.
I don't want to pick splinters out of your eye, so you're going to have to devise a cleaner method of whacking...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I have been away from the Board for a few weeks now. I was extremely happy to sign on today and see that you plan on sticking around. I am one of those that owes you a million thanks for responding to my plea for help and keeping it straight with me.
I felt so welcomed by you, and this helped me to better myself. Along this path that I have been doing for only a few short months, I have found who I am..... I have come so far! I am enjoying life as a mother and a wife. I have managed to get my husband back to looking at me with lust and love in his eyes. I have been able avoid conflict and not create as much chaos in my life to get by. It hasnt been easy, and i'll save it all for another thread... but MY POINT is... you are a wonderful caring person, and I dont even know you in real life so i can just imagine how blessed those around you are. Your children are a amazing, and you can pat yourself on the back for that!! I'm rambling, but i am so happy that you will stick around, because you are a huge asset to this board. Hugs and much love ..
Betsey 
