As much as I've said I would not be continuing to journal my stuff here, I've had a change of heart. Some of this is really painful to me, and I wasn't sure how I felt about posting this out here for everyone to see. Every decision has its consequences.
But more and more, I'm reading posts from others who are having trouble navigating through the spots I've already wiggled through. The caretaker in me feels compelled to help. I know I don't belong in Piecing anymore, but since I'm still piecing myself together and you guys know me, I'm going to remain here for the time being.
Here's the link to my last thread, just for continuity sake:
I last left off with my decision not to reconcile with Mr. Wonderful, my H of nearly 14 years. We have not yet had the big talk, mostly due to an extreme level of stress that is going on for us personally right now. I sense it is not a good time for either one of us to add this to the mix.
After all, we both know it's coming and we seem to be better friends now than we have been in the past 3 years. That thought is extremely comforting to me.
We've had a nightmare of a summer, mostly because the girls (known fondly here as D10 and D7) have been in a precarious predicament with summer supervision. For the first time in more than 5 years, they are together at the same camp.
Mr. W. and I have made a deliberate decision to keep them separated for one really good reason: we don't want D10 to be put in a position of being her sister's spokesperson, surrogate mother, verbal interpreter or caretaker. It's a role that she assumes naturally, but we don't want her being forced to do something no child should be doing. That job is best left to me and her dad.
Unfortunately, the camp program they are in is less than ideal. The adults do not have any disciplinary boundaries, and this is clearly bad for D7, who MUST be in a structured environment. It's also not good for the typical children, who need good boundaries and enforcement.
Last week, Mr. W. confronted the director of the program and told her that D10 does a better job of taking care of her sister than they do, and maybe we should be paying her to assume the responsibility? The director was not pleased with his pointed comment, but since she told me that they have few rules and the place is chaotic, well, she had to eat those words.
Add her medical difficulties to the mix, and you have 2 frustrated parents. I'm taking off Thursday for D7s endoscopy, which will tell us if her ulcers have returned and if her nissen is still intact. For those non-medical types, a nissen is a laser surgery that wraps the upper portion of the stomach around the esophagus to prevent reflux (commonly called GERD). She had the surgery at 9 months and we believe that it's no longer intact. If these 2 conditions exist, then we need to devise another medical game plan and reschedule the surgery.
Another day in the life!
My decision to work on my friendship with Mr. W. while not in the context of a M is still holding true. He's out buying new furniture for his apartment, so I'm fairly sure he is feeling relief at my perceived decision.
D10, however, is not.
She is angry with both of us right now. Angry with me just because she is a girl, and girls are naturally mad at their mom. She accepts the fact that I accept blame for our demise, and oddly enough, she is very supportive of me as well.
She refused to go to her dad's apartment last night. Since we were both crabby, Mr. Wonderful grabbed D7 and bolted quickly. I don't blame him! But as usual, I was there to clean up a big mess. And D10 was a mess.
She admitted to me that she had eavesdropped on the closed door convo (nearly 2 years ago) where her dad told me he was moving out--she remembered vividly that he said he did not love me and wasn't sure how long it had been since he knew he loved me.
She told me that she went through all the photo albums, and she pulled out some pictures to prove that he was happy. But as she started to cry, she told me that her dad was no longer the man she once loved more than life itself. That he had changed, and not for the better.
As I sat at her feet and held her hands while she bawled, I asked her if she could understand how I feel, applying the same thoughts of him not being the same man I married? She nodded through her tears and said sadly, "Mom, I really don't blame you."
I did concede that I have no familiarity with how she feels, as my parents are still happily married to each other. I think she felt better with a little validation.
She did close our chat with one train of thought: that she wished she was more like D7, who is always happy to see everyone. She then shared a goodbye story with me, and that made her cry harder.
Yesterday afternoon, one of the summer camp TA's said his goodbye, as he is leaving for college on Wednesday. He's been there for a couple years, and he grew to be very fond of D7, despite her antics.
He made a choked goodbye to the kids, when D7 came up to him and smiled broadly and then signed for him to put his arm out, making a hand gesture that he started with the kids... knuckle to knuckle, as a gesture of caring similar to a high five. I guess this poor kid started to bawl hard, which is when D7 put her arms around him and hugged him around his midsection.
D10 said all the kids started to cry... and she said for a few minutes, she was really proud of her sister for her ability to make people feel loved.
D10s C is off on vacation and I will be making an appt with her as soon as school starts (next week) and our schedule falls back into a familiar routine.
I'm at peace with my decision and my path. I'm blessed with a wonderfully supportive family and a terrific group of friends, both on and off the BB. I won't lie to you and say this isn't the toughest part of my path so far. It is.
The hard work has definitely paid off. I can definitely apply the lessons I've learned over the past couple years to build on something that has rewards and a whole lot of potential... my life living for me.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
