NOP,

I don't think of you as a ball buster or anything... really I don't. Keep bringing up opinions 'cause you're making me think.

I do hear what you're sayin' about great relationships, and I already know that I have the basis for one. You don't know all the "other things" that I do for my W and kids, but I'm a pretty decent family man "behind the scenes." Despite my outrageously poor choices with OW, I have made great efforts to close that chapter of our lives and move on.

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Has your wife read TSSM or other relationship books? Also, I think there is one out called Surviving an Affair ( not sure). If you haven't already, you might consider purchasing several books and making them available to your wife.

I read TSSM earlier this summer. After bringing up our M and talking to my W about my concerns, I gave her TSSM book and told her that I really enjoyed it, thought she might too, and that it was important to me for us to ML more regularly. Well, she read the first 50-something pages almost right away. Since then (mid-June), the book has been sitting in her "book corner" in the kitchen. I don't think she has read any more.

If I purchase books and make them available to my W, I don't know what kind of reaction I will get. If it's similar to TSSM, though, I have a feeling that the books will just sit around unused. Actually, my W would probably hide the books so that visitors to our house would not see them and make assumptions about our M.

One of my W's "problems" in life is her low self-esteem. She has to build herself up and make herself look good to other people. She will tell other people the good things that are happening in life, but she will omit the bad things (or hide them completely so that others don't see them). Example: she used to smoke cigarettes - but she would never let her parents know about it. Example: she uses "I" and "me" and "my" when she talks to others about shared things/experiences with me (such as, "I took the kids to the park last week" when really we both did, or "my kitchen was just redone and it looks beautiful" instead of saying "our kitchen").

This low self-esteem leads to an interesting situation. Neither her parents nor mine know that our M is troubled. When I went about setting up marital counseling for us last April 2003, I had to make the appointments for during the work day (12-1PM or 1-2PM) so that the kids were in daycare. If I had made evening appointments, her parents would have found out about them because they would be the ones to watch the kids (most likely - her parents are great when it comes to taking one or both kids when we need to "get out" together alone). Then my W would have to play "20 Questions" with her mom about what was wrong, what happened, how come we were having trouble, etc. etc.

I really don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to explain more of my sitch to ya. I feel that my W would benefit from seeing a therapist by herself, to work out some of her issues outside of the M, but she has refused to consider it after I mention it. I feel that my M could benefit from seeing a MC who is pro-marriage and TSSM/PM-aware. I just don't know what to look into first.

I'll stop now... gotta get to work anyways.

- Chris.