In case you W are interested, here's my DO/DON'T DO list for today:
when H does something that you volunteer him for, don't act pissy when he doesn't do it "your way" or doesn't do it good enough for you
when H yells at the kids for something, don't countermand his orders or belittle his message (at least not in front of him LOL)
when H is doing one of his chores, don't interrupt him with something that will require him to interact with the kid(s)
when H goes about servicing the family while you are in a tired/crampy/"aunt flo is here" type of mood, don't tell him that there's something else that he forgot to do while you were lying down
when H does something "pleasantly surprising" that you didn't expect him to, do please recognize it with a simple "thanks, hon" (or whatever praise phrase you normally use)
when H is reading his paper or sitting in front of the TV at night after being a kind, cooperative H all day and doing all of his "assigned tasks" (whether they be implicit or explicit), do put the kids to bed by yourself and leave him alone.
If ya read into this posting, you'll understand what kind of day I've had today and what my W did that pissed me off and what my W didn't do that I wish she had. This is just a little insight into how my H "man brain" works.
TNC wrote: ---------------------- ML Wednesday night and Thursday morning... now it's "that week" and I know I shouldn't expect anything. I suppose it's the perfect time to be talking about things. There's no pressure to ML instead of talk. ----------------------
Sounds like a plan to me.
Let us know how it goes.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well, last night was a bust. I tried to talk with my W by bringing up different topics (and the episode of Six Feet Under had plenty of crap to talk about), but she either didn't hear me or didn't WANT to hear me. She was content to crochet. I had to go to my own personal "happy place" and self-validate my attempts. At least I didn't start to cry.
Chris, What do you do when W does these things that make you irritated, such as undermine what you are saying to the kids, etc?
Do you stuff it all away and become resentful?
Do you wait for another time in which to address it?
I would, in the spirit of your thread title, address is as soon as possible. That is, if you are talking to the kids and she jumps in and undermines you, then as soon as you are done with the kiddos, ask her to meet you in the bedroom for a few minutes and address it. No need for a long drawn out fight, just a simple few words of "Please don't do that, just tell me later what you think I should have done and we can talk about it then." If she tries to turn it into a fight, or rehash what you just did wrong, then say "I don't want to fight about this, I just wanted to speak my piece." And then leave. I guarantee that she will be furious and stay mad at you for quite a while for the first few times you do this, but she will get over it and begin to respect you. (because really her behavior is mostly rooted in a lack of respect for you)
Quote: What do you do when W does these things that make you irritated, such as undermine what you are saying to the kids, etc?
I used to stuff it away until I blew up at her. These days, I am speaking up without caring how she reacts because I don't want to stuff it away. Most of the time, she doesn't have a reaction to my words. The "shoe is on the other foot" so to speak, and I fully expect HER to blow up at ME one of these days.
Yesterday was a good example. I was, according to my W, "pissy and rude" to my parents and inlaws as we were finishing my birthday brunch at a restaurant. What happened was... I wanted to get up and leave the table because I was tired of sitting there with nothing left to say, and the room was getting loud as everyone had finished brunch and was talking. So, I said, "I'm going to go sit in the lobby and wait for everyone because it's too loud in here." Then I got up and started to leave, but D6 and D2 jumped on me and wanted to go with me, so then everyone got up also.
In the car on our way back home, W said, "you were really short with your parents... and the way you just got up and said what you said was a little rude." I told her that I was not intending to be rude or pissy, that I was only speaking my mind instead of sitting there and not saying anything and waiting for everyone else to feel like leaving. W seemed to be ok with that answer because she didn't say anything in response.
So, as usual, I am left to wonder... did my W just not want to pursue an argument, or was she satisfied with my response? I have no idea. I don't feel like asking either.
Quote: I guarantee that she will be furious and stay mad at you for quite a while for the first few times you do this, but she will get over it and begin to respect you. (because really her behavior is mostly rooted in a lack of respect for you)
So, is her silence a sign of respect? Is it a sign that she's mad? Is she just not talking to me because she can't deal with my new attitude?
Maybe I'm just foolin' myself and I'm not REALLY making any progress in my M. Then again, it's not my job or responsibility to make W feel better... it's up to her to do that. If she doesn't like me anymore, then maybe she should speak up.
Your wife has a ton of hurts right now. So what can you do?
Let her know that you will answer ANY question she asks regarding past issues.
When she does ask a question, answer it in as honest a way as possible. Don't hold back. Give her any details she wants. Stop when she says enough. You will have to bite back your pain and anger.
As run of the mill daily issues arise, how you act with in laws, how you are dealing with kids, etc, approach those in a non-threatening manner. If you are wrong, then apologize. If it is an issue that you don't have a preference, then do it her way. If you have a preference, then tell her what it is.
THIS WOMAN IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. She is your wife and she is with you because she wants to be.
Any time the issue of the affair comes up, you need to tell her how sorry you are in addition to answering her questions.
Your job right now is to return trust to your relationship. That trust is not only that you aren't straying, but trust that you will handle everyday life with her in an upfront, honest, and NON-THREATENING manner. It is going to take TIME. There are no quick fixes for the situation you are in. Period.
Hang in there! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Your wife has a ton of hurts right now. So what can you do?
Shoot her and put me out of her misery?
Quote: When she does ask a question, answer it in as honest a way as possible. Don't hold back.
And when, per se, should I expect her to start asking questions? Because, NOP, it's been over 2 years since she found out about the A, and she hasn't asked any questions in the past (at least) 6 months. The M could fall asleep waiting for these supposed questions to be asked... and it's already fairly sleepy. In fact, the M is blah underneath the facade that we both put on for other people. Still, my W refuses to admit that there are problems. When I bring up a marriage counselor, she says things like, "I didn't know that we had such problems." So who is she fooling?? Certainly not me. She's only fooling herself, trying to convince herself that things are fine.
Oh well, I'm not going anywhere. I guess I can just keep hanging and waiting for some lightbulb or other to turn on in her head. Maybe I should go back on Lexapro so I can't cry.
Let her know that when she is ready to talk about it, you will tell her anything she wants to know. In the mean time, you go on with your life.
Your wife thinks that everything will be alright, if she sweeps the issue under the rug and ignores it. I assure you, that her feelings run a lot deeper than that whether she realizes it or not.
Find out what her emotional needs are, and do your best to meet them. Start working on a better version of you and don't stop until you are better.
Chris, your wife may have contributed to the state of your marriage but you are the one responsible for the affair, not her. I agree that two years is a long time, but it will be even longer if both of you don't agree to work on it. If she won't agree, then you can only work on yourself for a while.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Chris, your wife may have contributed to the state of your marriage but you are the one responsible for the affair, not her. I agree that two years is a long time, but it will be even longer if both of you don't agree to work on it. If she won't agree, then you can only work on yourself for a while.
Yep, I know I'm responsible for having the affair. Instead of talking to my W, I talked to the OW. Instead of wanting my W, I wanted the OW. Instead of saying ILY to my W, I said ILY to the OW... every day, at least once, for over a year. I led a double life, keeping my W in the dark while I snuck around "behind her back" (literally and physically sometimes - I'd leave OW voicemail messages while my W was in the shower or tending to the kids or otherwise occupied). I planned vacations by myself to go and see OW while my W stayed home with the kids and had to sleep in an empty bed without me.
I can't take it all back, though I wish I could. The past is the past, forever immune to change. How I wish I could have been stronger back when I was feeling the distance between my W and I growing. Useless thoughts, I know... all the "what ifs" that I chose to ignore, the "what ifs" that could have made my M stronger instead of tearing it apart.
It's been over for almost a year between me and OW. Maybe that's not long enough to let things rest before trying to rebuild a M, so I have no choice but to work on ME until my W feels like working on US. I do expect my W to forgive me and move on with life. If she can't do that, then I guess I'm getting a D one of these years.
So yeah, I feel I've been patient in waiting for my W to come around and realize that we need to do some work on the M. I can suggest change... and hope that my suggestions will be heard. What else can I do?
