Quote: maybe Corri is just a NO B.S. type of person who has achieved self-validated everything in life and doesn't need anyone else.
Exactly. So now you know when I come here to hang out with your sorry-azz self, there's absolutely no hidden agenda, no mercy sex. I'm here just because you have asked for help, and I'm giving it the only way I know how... simply because I want to.
Quote: Most of us HDH are wimps. We like living in our little delusional worlds that we've created for ourselves. We've done stupid things (letting our LDW control when we have sex; not wanting to initiate LM because we don't want to get shot down or denied; being passive-aggressive and doing things to piss LDW off, only so we can "make up and ML" and pretend to stand up for ourselves) for so long and now don't know how to take a stand for ourselves.
To make you HDH's feel better, I for one, have that same problem of sticking to it...
Even before I came home last night and read what was going on here, I was feeling sorry for myself all day, feeling old, fat, ugly...and getting mad that I've done this to myself over a man...
H has been picking fights all week, probably his way of defending myself, and it's sooooo easy for me to slip into the 'look, it's not working!!' mode of thinking. Part of me just wants to give up and run away.
I've (we've?) been doing it for so long, it's become a habit. For me, anyway, it's a damn hard habit to break. H has been throwing at me all week that 'see, I told you it would be better if I didn't say anything...' Strange how we want to hold on to what we've been doing, even if it makes us miserable!
I remember telling a friend, way back before I found this board, that I was really scared of doing anything 'cause it felt like jumping off a cliff. It still does, but at least now I can almost see what's below.
Ahhh good, no mercy sex. Corri is like the C from hell who won't let ya get away with self-serving B.S. in her office. Ooooh, I hate those types of people... but I love 'em too because they make ya think and think and think and think.
Thanks Corri, for sharing your time with us wayward souls... even if we rant at the end of the day.
went home from work and made dinner (rigatoni & meatballs, every Monday)
helped W get the kids inside when she got home from work
ate dinner with the family
cleaned up/washed the dishes, cups, pots, pans, etc. after dinner
folded the kids' laundry
gave D2 a bath
got D6 ready for bed
got D2 into bed and rubbed her back for 2 minutes
called W to say goodnight to the kids
went downstairs for coffee & to read the paper while watching TV with W
went to bed at 10PM
This is a "regular" Monday type of thing. I do this "just because" it makes me feel good. My W gets to relax a little. Unfortunately, it doesn't help me maintain an EC with her. I'm hoping that it helps her EC to me somehow.
Chris: this sounds a lot like I used to be. I used to, every day, cook and clean up afterwards, do everyone's laundry, give DD3 her bath, and got to relax at about 9pm. That changed a while back when I realized that I was getting resentful and feeling as if I was being taken advantage of. Cooking for dinner is sporadic now, and when I do, I insist that she help clean up. I only do my laundry and my older kids' laundry (her stepkids) while she is responsible for hers and DD3's. (This was a big help, as I seemed to only get criticized for the way I did her laundry). I still give DD3 her bath, but sometimes W does it.
I say this to you and ask whether you are feeling resentful of doing the tasks you are doing? Do you feel as if you are doing well over 50 percent of the work? For no "return"?
I think it's fairly easy for Ws to turn on their "resentment detector."
Not that the EC or the LMing got better of more frequent when I cut my work output, but at least I feel less resentment, and I am only responsible for what I want to be responsible.
Quote: I used to, every day, cook and clean up afterwards, do everyone's laundry, give DD3 her bath, and got to relax at about 9pm.
Yikes, every day? I only cook on Monday (rigatoni & meatballs) and "pork chop night" (could be Tuesday, like this week, or Wednesday). I couldn't cook every night without feeling that resentment that you mentioned. I don't mind doing the laundry for everyone right now, and I've given up "voluntarily" doing my W's laundry... she has to ask me now. I get to "relax" by 9PM (if I'm lucky, it's more like 8:30PM).
Quote: I say this to you and ask whether you are feeling resentful of doing the tasks you are doing? Do you feel as if you are doing well over 50 percent of the work? For no "return"?
Oh yes, I do over 50% of the work around the house. I don't "keep score" too much anymore since it's counterproductive to keeping my cool (and we all "keep score" in our heads sometimes, right?). My "return" is knowing that the house is orderly and that we all have what we need. I'm not in this for me... I'm in it for US, the family.
Quote: I think it's fairly easy for Ws to turn on their "resentment detector."
My W is oblivious most of the time. She seems too busy thinking about her crochet projects (she makes baby sweaters and blankets for friends & family who are "expecting") or what she's going to wear to work the next day (and other things that I have no idea about, I'm sure).
I guess the resentment meter does go a bit high sometimes when I see my W working on her "projects" instead of paying attention to the kids or helping to fold laundry or whatever else I think she should be doing. I walk a fine line between mentioning it to her and not saying anything. Most of the time, these days, I say something to her so she knows of my displeasure.
I can tell you one thing... I'm not "getting any extra" LM, regardless of what I do. W just doesn't want sex that much. I know that won't change unless I change myself and show her that I'm trustworthy and loyal over the course of time. I'm at a loss for how I can make myself more appealing to her, though. Guess I'll keep trying things!
TNC said: ---------------- W just doesn't want sex that much. I know that won't change unless I change myself and show her that I'm trustworthy and loyal over the course of time. ----------------
Bingo.
Have you and your wife talking about the affair? Is she comfortable with where your relationship stands right now? Are you being forthright answering any questions she asks of you, withholding nothing?
Your wife needs time to heal. Both of you need to discuss your needs and expectations of each other. It is completely normal to repeatedly discuss the same issues in a healthy relationship. The is even more true in one where infidelity has played a part.
Your wife will learn to trust you over time if and only if you are always honest with her - about everything. No deceptions or intentional omissions. Even the smallest lie will set your relationship back.
I know you want to fix the sexual side of your relationship. You must understand, however, that sticking your hand in the face of an angry dog, hoping for acceptance, will likely get your hand bitten. You have to make friends first....
Hang in there and you and your wife will recover and solve your SSM. In your case, this is probably going to take some time.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We haven't talked about the affair in a long time, and it's about time for me to "reopen that wound" so that it heals properly. I have to check with my W to see if it's still an issue or not. Isn't that sad?
Quote: I know you want to fix the sexual side of your relationship. You must understand, however, that sticking your hand in the face of an angry dog, hoping for acceptance, will likely get your hand bitten. You have to make friends first....
I want to fix the sexual side, sure... but it's not as high-priority as it used to be. I can go without sex for a long time as long as there's progress somewhere else that's more important. Comparing my W to an angry dog, however, is not appropriate. The angry dog would be visibly and audibly angry, and therefore I would know where I stand with him/her. With my W, I get silence. I get an occasional question, but nothing substantial. I have to GUESS how she's feeling and where she is with the whole forgiveness process. That makes it more difficult on me, and when I guess wrong about how she's feeling, I get myself into trouble.
Thus, we're back to speaking up, mentioning the OW and the sitch in the past 2 years since W found out about it all, and telling her that I'm still interested in being in the M. If she wants more time to think, I have to give it to her. I will not, however, be "hanging on" forever. I hope that in 1-5 years, she'll either forgive me or say "get out." If I go another 5 years without resolution, I'm out.
I don't know what you have done with her previously, but consider this. Become an "open book" to her. Make sure she has all your email account passwords, access to your cell phone and any other device that you use. If the other woman contacts you, tell your wife. Be completely honest with her. Answer any question she poses as honestly as possible.
It is up to you to make her feel safe with you again.
If you are the grabby, touchy, feely type, then try being more manly and confident. If you are too much the manly type, then learn how to be more sensitive. Whatever you do, strive toward re-instilling trust in your wife. Be there for her, be her hero.
If you tell her she is beautiful right now, she probably doesn't believe it. Same thing with sexy. My guess is that she is doing you in order to feel good about herself - doing the right thing. You need to recognize and appreciate her efforts. ACKNOWLEDGE HER CONTRIBUTION TO THE MARRIAGE.
In short, you have to learn to be a good husband, and in short order. You must do this for a good while before you can get back to the sex issue. At some point in time, both of you have to address conditions in your marriage that contributed to the affair. Make sure that you completely understand that it is NOT YOUR WIFES FAULT that you had an affair.
These are all probably points that you have heard before. I am trying to help with your SSM, but you have to address the affair fallout as FIRST step.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
ML Wednesday night and Thursday morning... now it's "that week" and I know I shouldn't expect anything. I suppose it's the perfect time to be talking about things. There's no pressure to ML instead of talk.
Corri is like the C from hell who won't let ya get away with self-serving B.S. in her office. Ooooh, I hate those types of people... but I love 'em too because they make ya think and think and think and think.
