I also am glad to hear that this was a mutual decision and the W would hold nothing against you for her taking this route.
I had only brought it up because I know in my R that it was expected that I would take care of it and I had no problem doing it. She had the children, I could take care of this.
As far as the frequency issue... I sure was hoping that would be the case! But I guess in my situation, if it had been the case, I wouldn't be here validating that there are many others out there that have the same issues in their M as I do. :-(
The weekend was OK, not exactly good for the M in any way (no talks, no cuddling, no LM - but I didn't expect any anyways), but very productive for me. I cleaned up a lot and threw a crapload of stuff out. The kids left me alone on Saturday, so I made sure to do as much as I could.
As far as I know, W is still recovering from the procedure (I didn't ask though, so who knows). She had a yearly physical on Saturday, and her internist is giving her another SSRI to try for her anxiety (the first 3 didn't do too much besides upset her stomach). This is the 4th "antidepressant/anti-anxiety" med that she's on in the past year. Each time she switches, there's like a 3-week period of time when she's experiencing side effects. I can only hope that this one is gonna stop her from blowing up at the kids all the time (she yells a LOT when D6 and D2 are acting up & won't listen).
I have a real issue with W yelling all the time, and I've told her about it over and over. She doesn't seem to remember my concerns until it's too late and she's yelled at D6 or D2 for something-or-other. I play along and be the nice parent, asking my kids questions about why mommy is yelling and trying to understand their point of view. I have noticed that D6 (who is usually more friendly with my W) comes to me for a hug or a talk after W has yelled at her. That's kinda nice.
So, as far as this week goes, we'll see if W initiates anything. I'm not going to. I can go another few weeks without LM. It hasn't been high on my priority list recently, probably because I'm reading PM and thinking a lot. It also could be that I'm not attracted to my W physically anymore. She has gained 40 pounds in the past year, and she's not caring much about her current body image. She has even said, "I feel like my ass has a new zip code, and I'll get back into dieting one day. I just don't feel like it now." I usually let it go, thinking that silence is better than a sarcastic comment that will start a fight. You know women and weight issues... NEVER say anything 'cause ya can't win.
PM and I will be good friends this week. I have a feeling that arguments will be easier to win after I have all the ammunition I need to throw things back in W's face. I'll probably sound pissy to her, but maybe she'll hear the message.
Quote: You know women and weight issues... NEVER say anything 'cause ya can't win. [ . . . ] I have a feeling that arguments will be easier to win after I have all the ammunition I need to throw things back in W's face.
Hmmm, Chris, I don't think you're getting the message. PM is not for building up your ammunition, it's for, uh, (help me Mojo with the metaphor) it's for renovating the fort. Believe me Chris, I know how anger and resentment can get ahold of you. I'm there at least once a week. But you have to get past the anger and learn to love this woman again.
Hmm, hairy... I was a little too sarcastic on that posting, I guess. I know about the fort, the ammunition, and the appropriate use of gun case locks. I don't plan on using ammunition unless the rubber bullets are ineffective!
Seriously, I don't approach life as "building evidence" anymore. It just doesn't lead to a good resolution of anything... it tends to lead to more problems. I'm looking to make myself better and hoping that my W wants to make herself better (someday soon, please?!?). I have a feeling that letting go of the past is more difficult for her than for me, especially after my EA+ with OW.
I'm trying to find ways to love her again... but (and maybe this is a failing of my character) it's not happening much these days. I think I'm gonna have to rock the boat again. It's either that or live with too many questions.
As I mentioned on the Happy Effin' Birthday to Me thread, I have comment on some of Corri's replies to Hairdog and Wildebube, so go there and read about "trust issues... wallowing... self-denial... faux R fixing." These all describe me quite well.
Sometimes, I read Corri's postings and think that she's describing me! I get pissed off/angry for a minute (thinking that Corri is being "holier than thou" in a condescending way), and then I realize that she's doling out tough love. There's no sugar coating there... rather, it's more like "shut up and listen, you fool, because I can't stand your whining."
I think I know what Corri is saying to us HDHs who are convinced that our W must change: we should grow some balls, be an adult (not a little boy), decide to change ourselves for the better, and show our W some respect by participating 50-50 in the M from a 100% honest point-of-view (rather than our warped "my way must win" POV). This would give us a lot more peace of mind than whining all the time. It would stop the cycle. It would give the M the best chance it has to be happy.
Most of us HDH are wimps. We like living in our little delusional worlds that we've created for ourselves. We've done stupid things (letting our LDW control when we have sex; not wanting to initiate LM because we don't want to get shot down or denied; being passive-aggressive and doing things to piss LDW off, only so we can "make up and ML" and pretend to stand up for ourselves) for so long and now don't know how to take a stand for ourselves.
I'm as guilty as HD or WB with the "I've tried so many things and nothing is working" self-pity party. The sad fact is, I'm lying to myself and everyone else by saying those types of things. I've tried things, but I've never consistently maintained my stance. Instead, I was content to think that the problem was resolved if it went away.
What should I do? I know what I should do (I won't type it out here... it'll take all afternoon). I have admitted it to myself, but then I have decided that something else might work instead - "the easy road" rather than the tough one. Nope, sorry, not happening. I'm still at square one, no matter how I lie to myself and think I'm not.
Yes, sometimes Corri is right. But sometimes Corri also has an unrealistic view.
It's easy to say, "grow some balls", or, "grow up", or, "show some respect by participating", but those are worthless generalities. Corri berates me for stating my desires as though I think only of myself, then turns around and tells me to stand up for myself. Huh?
You say
Quote: show our W some respect by participating 50-50 in the M from a 100% honest point-of-view (rather than our warped "my way must win" POV).
Pray tell how you do this when one partner's view is "I want sex" and the other's is "I don't".
I hear you, wildebube. I like Corri and respect her opinion, but lately it just seems like she's pissed off at us and impatient.
I'm a pretty intelligent guy, but some of the time I'm a bit dense...especially when it comes to having insight to my own actions/motivations. I don't have a lot of free time to meditate and contemplate why I am the way I am. If I did that, I'd blow off picking up DD3, or be late to the office, or forget DS13 at school, etc.
So I'm in a SSM. I come here to vent. I sometimes offer advice to other people. I take advice some of the time. I enjoy my imaginary friends here. I enjoy being with my wife most of the time, although sometimes we have a very bumpy road for a week. Coming here and bitching is how I cope. So let me bitch.
When and if I decide that my SSM is intolerable, I will leave, but only after I have tried every other solution. I'm trying solutions right now.
Maybe Corri is PMSing... maybe Corri hates men... maybe Corri believes that religion is "the answer" if ya just believe... maybe Corri is just a NO B.S. type of person who has achieved self-validated everything in life and doesn't need anyone else.
Maybe I need to read more PM... yeah yeah, that's what I'll do.
Corri is a very fine person and well respected here. You could learn a lot from her.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I know about the fort, the ammunition, and the appropriate use of gun case locks. I don't plan on using ammunition unless the rubber bullets are ineffective! 
