Chris,
As you know, I'm pretty new at this, and therefore, probably not the best person to give you advice, but after reading HP's post on my own thread, I thought I'd use this chance to sort of solidify my own feelings before I go 'attack' (just kidding!) the H.

What HP said to me just now about putting things right on the line hit home. I'm definitely a 'peace maker'. I don't like to make waves, and I pride myself on being able to step back, and see the big picture in something, and help others see it.

Problem is, I can't see myself , or see that keeping the peace can often times just make me feel real resentful, and gives me a sort of inflated sense of self (there, I said it, YUK!!)

I guess I felt that I shouldn't express my own needs, 'cause they weren't important, and besides, if I was so good to everyone else, they'd be falling over themselves to be good to me, right?

That does work with my kids, but for two reasons: 1. They need mom to be happy. I'm not far enough along in PM to try to analyze what kind of validation that relationship is, but for young kids, Mom is more a 'port in a storm' than a real live human being with feelings. That learning comes slowly... but

2. My kids want me to feel good, 'cause they know I feel the same way about them. I tell them what I expect from them, I don't allow them to mistreat me, because it's my job as a parent to teach them how to interact with others. So I go out of my way to set a good example for them, and to show them what I need.

So why can't I do that with H????? It is strange how we can't see our own reflection... and now of course, if I go back to no. 2, I owe it to my kids to put it on the line.

I wouldn't worry about what your W thinks. Tell her what you think. Tell her what you feel. And understand that she can't take that away from you. What she does with it, and how you react to that, is another thing entirely.

HM