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You will never be as space-cadety as me. Right now I have 3 huge bruises on my leg and I have no idea how I got them.



I think I'd give you a run for your money Last night on the way to sauna, somewhere between taking my clothes off upstairs and going all the way down to sauna I left my towel somewhere. I found it in the hallway next to the front door


Your post here, and on your own thread gave me a lot to think about yesterday. Actually, you sort of clarified some things that I've been thinking about myself. I'll guess I'll combine my answers into some kind of mega-post here...

I've been struggling for a while with what it was I was missing. I understand the idea of PM pretty well, and know that on some levels, I am pretty well differentiated - heh, I got on a plane at 23 without a return ticket, knowing the one person who was going to pick me up at the airport, and two words of Finnish. In order to live in a foreign country, especially one where there were no foreigners, you learn real quick who you are - or you are miserable and go home. I managed to HOM pretty well that first year, and even after I met H. I think the thing in Schnarch that caught my attention right off and kept me going was when he explained that we connect with people of the same level of differentiation. That made me realize that if I could stand alone, so could H.

In my 'alternate lives', I see myself as a very contented widow, or a sucessful artist (in some genre)alone in a farm house in Tuscany, or a big Victorian somewhere on the Atlantic shore in NE, with lots of artsy neighbors, and one or two lovers...or here in our house surrounded by grandchildren at Christmas, with H somewhere in the corner looking like a cross between the grinch and Scrooge.

I started to realize what a role model my Gramma was. Grampa died when I was about 3, so I knew Gramma as a widow. I knew I wanted to be like her - strong, happy, self-sufficient, loved by everyone. I wanted those big family Christmas and Thanksgiving parties filled with laughter and poker games. I never thought about a man in the equation, probably because, hey, she didn't need one! My own parents weren't much of a model...Mom was rather emotionally abusive, and I knew I didn't want a R like theirs.

So in a way, I just kind of avoided the whole H thing...

And I also knew that I had gotten to the point where I didn't blame H for my frustration. I knew that I had made a decision to stay in this SSM, and so I had no right to blame him. And if I gave H an 'ultimatum', and he turned off his cell phone, I suspect I would be planning how I was going to take care of the kids while I worked if he didn't come home . I've gone over that in my mind enough times. I've played with the possibility of leaving, or asking him to leave.

But I hadn't dealt with the fact that I do need affection and sex, and I hadn't dealt with the fact that the decision I made I had made alone, without H's knowledge, behind his back in a way.

And I knew I was still fused (still am...but at least starting to see it)

So, the big thing?...I am a very disorganized person. I don't think there's a person I work with who wouldn't agree with the 'scatterbrained' label i'm good - very good if I do say so, at what I do, but I'm not organized. They just kind of put up with me and put it down to being the mind of an artist.

H, on the other hand, is a perfectionist. I think that's part of what attracted me to him, the thought that he could help keep my feet on the ground. I figured he'd help me with the organizing part, I'd show him how to live.

H of course, knows well which buttons to push. Takes over all control of our money, and starts complaining about the housework. And I let him. As my confidence ebbs there, he can start getting to me other places as well. And I believe him. How could I even consider living alone, especially with the kids, since I could never take care of myself? my little voices say.

I started remembering things about the beginning of our relationship last night, and started to realize how much of this has been about control. About H needing to be in control, and me not wanting to give it up.

Thing is, going about the way I was was not very attractive on my part. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who let me walk all over them, and then yell about it. Not to mention that I had a hard time admitting that I was part of the problem, even though there was a voice in the back of my head the whole time saying 'look in the mirror'

I'm not quite sure what the point of all that was, but it just needed to come out. Kind of getting myself in focus.

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If you present your request for more sex in such a way that you are basically saying "The only way I will be happy is if you have more sex with me." your H will naturally rebel against this pathetic request. It is too much pressure on a LD spouse to make their sex drive responsible for your happiness. If your request is truly along the lines of "I will only be happy if I can plan a future in which I am having sex.", you take some of the pressure off your H. You are giving him the option of choosing whether your relationship is more important to him than being LD. If you make him responsible for your happiness, you also make him responsible for your unhappiness and force him to take a defensive stance and also give him the choice of believing that you do not know what makes you happy or you will never be happy so why should he try.




This, for me, of all this great wisdom, is the greatest piece. I need to do some planning. You know, these convos are a bit like going to the dentist. You hate to make that phone call, even though you are in pain, and once you go and sit there for a short while, in agony, you realize it wasn't all that bad, and you feel well, way more than 50% better afterwards.

So thanks to you, and to Corri for your advice on how to keep things focused. I'll let you know how it goes...