You will never be as space-cadety as me. Right now I have 3 huge bruises on my leg and I have no idea how I got them.
If you've read my latest posts, you know that my recent success has led me to a pretty straight forward PMish theory about how to "fix" a SSM.
1) Figure out for yourself what sex means to you and just how much of a priority it is in your life. For instance, you might decide that having passionate sex at least twice a week is more important than anything besides music and your kids.
2) Reveal your true views on the importance of sex to your spouse. For example, tell him "Having sex in my life is more important to my happiness than anything besides music and our children.".
3) Tell your spouse your true views on what this means in terms of your relationship. For example, "I love many things about you (list things) and I value many things about our relationship (list things) but I can't be happy without a sex life. However, I value the children's happiness over my own and I feel that I would be unable to support them without you and I believe that they benefit from growing up with two parents in their household, so I will remain in this marriage at least until the children are a bit older, but I will not pretend that I am content with the sexual situation or with your efforts as a husband.".
4) Offer your H a straight-forward Two-Choice Dilemma based on 1,2 and 3. For instance, "If you want me to be happy in our relationship and therefore willing to continue in our marriage once the children are older, you must figure out a way to initiate sex or positively respond to my initiations at least twice a week. Be aware that I will not be content with ill-humored "mercy" sex. If you choose to not work on improving our sex life, I will live with you as a friendly roommate while the children are still young and start planning for a future without you."
5) IMO the only way to be able to successfully get to the point that you are able to proceed through steps 1,2,3 and 4 is by truly taking responsibility for your own happiness by figuring out for yourself a way that you can be happy no matter what choice your H makes. You have presented him with 2 choices, but there are really some unspoken ones he might choose too. He could choose to stay in the marriage, not work on the sex but be unpleasant in other ways such as yelling at the children or have an affair. He could choose to let his anger control his decision and leave you immediately just because you had the audacity to force him to make such a choice. So you have to consider all the possible consequences of your actions and figure out how you can live with integrity and therefore the possibility of happiness no matter what choice he makes.
If you present your request for more sex in such a way that you are basically saying "The only way I will be happy is if you have more sex with me." your H will naturally rebel against this pathetic request. It is too much pressure on a LD spouse to make their sex drive responsible for your happiness. If your request is truly along the lines of "I will only be happy if I can plan a future in which I am having sex.", you take some of the pressure off your H. You are giving him the option of choosing whether your relationship is more important to him than being LD. If you make him responsible for your happiness, you also make him responsible for your unhappiness and force him to take a defensive stance and also give him the choice of believing that you do not know what makes you happy or you will never be happy so why should he try.
Quote: Hmm. H just got up and gave me a hug and kiss...
Excellent. He is beginning to realize that his petty behavior will not change your resolve on this issue, so his respect for you is growing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
