Now that MM has become enlightened, I'm going to take over as 'space cadet' of the list, ok?
Last night I got home, and H had put the boys to bed as I asked, since we were to get up early this morning since S4b had a drs apt. nothing major, but in this social country, it was a screening thing that we had to get 'special permission' for and wait to get the time, etc. so I had put the date on the calender as soon as I got the notice, and put the official papers up out of the way.
Well, I pulled the papers out last night to get them ready to take with us this morning, and there it says in big bold letters 'Monday Sept. 6'. OK, in Finnish, but Monday in Fin. even starts with a M, so I can't really even blame a spaced out language moment for this one. Guess I'm more stressed out about this than I let on.
On thing I've noticed in the past few weeks is just how much I had been relying on 'other-validation' to get me through the sitch at home. Nothing major, just flirting a bit, very innocently every once in a while to make sure I was still alive, but I will admit to finding it hard not to rely on that, and to self sooth. Still got a long way to go in the differentiating dept.
Anyway...since I blew the Dr's appt big time, I was feeling pretty stressed out, and H sensed it and was getting tense as well. Finally I suggested we go out and take a walk, and I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed.
Of course, as you've all come to expect in the heaphousehold, nothing 'just' happens...first H complained about how I had parked the car, and I asked if he could at some point clean out the garage so I could park inside now that it was getting cold (we had a frost last night). So H decided to do it then. It was only a little job, which I knew, but I also knew it would raise H's anxiety level...
We finally set off, and I really had to keep from laughing. H would almost run ahead, then wait for me, soldier straight, at every intersection to see which way I would go. I could tell from his step that he was very anxious, and I tried to sort of engage him in small talk, to no avail. I was not about to bring up any R stuff 'out of the blue' in that context.
So we walked like that for a while, with H acting a little like my 4 yr old twins...and when we get back to the house, he started to clean out the drain in front of the house.
I said 'It would be nice, if we decide to do something, just the two of us, that we put other things aside for a while. You could come out and clean the drain another time'
H 'You don't get it. And it's really silly for me to try to explain it, you wouldn't understand'
Me 'Well I certainly can't understand if you don't tell me.' silence. then I foolishly added something along the lines of 'I know it's a good idea to take care of things as they come up, pick up as you go along, but I also know at times it's good to just put those things aside for a while'. H just stood their waiting for me to open the door.
It was after midnight (I get home late). So I decided I would go to sleep. I said goodnight to H, and he said 'I would like somthing to eat. Is there any food?' (read: can you make me something to eat?)
I said 'Yes, there's leftovers in the fridge, and bread on the counter if you want something. Goodnight.'
H had a strange look on his face as I went to bed. He came into our room a little later, with his sort of sad puppy look, probably hoping I would change my mind and come down, but I was tired.
In a way I'm afraid that setting boundaries may have the effect for us, for a while anyway, of seperating us even more. My schedule is crazy, and we're not in the house together very often, but when we are, usually H is sleeping. Then he expects me to stay up with him at night. I really can't do this any longer, not as late as we have, and this is a matter of health, and safety - I have a long commute.
Maybe H will realize that he's going to have to start sleeping at night as well, and getting up in the morning, but even if he doesn't, I can't go on with the schedule I'm keeping. I keep thinking I'm sounding a bit LD with this, but I've been running on going to bed after 1am and getting up before 7 for too long. I would be willing to do it once in a while, especially for ML or time together, but H is going to have to make compromises on the other end as well.
