I have to say I am a bit concerned with the way your H treats you. This very much sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship to me, so I urge you to proceed with caution. Do I think he'll hit you or something? No... but when you are dealing with someone emotionally controlling, they can erupt in very loud/mean ways that can be quite, quite startling and hurtful.
Having said that... I thought it was very interesting during the 'cup' conversation that he kept interrupting you to address the level and tone of your voice... and you adjusted to that. Keep in mind that when you are in any type of discussion, he will try whatever he can do to change the subject or make it your problem. In this case, he kept subtly reminding you just exactly who sets the rules for the conversation and that you were violating said rules. It annoyed you and distracted you, and he knows it. Do you see?
The next time you are talking to him, trying to make a point and he interrupts you, (let's use the voice tone/level as an example), do the following:
H: You're voice is getting loud again...
Y: The level of my voice is not the issue here. Now, as I was saying...
H: I cannot speak with you when you are like this.
Y: I'll be happy to discuss with you my temperment when we have finished with this discussion. (continue conversation)
H: Do you have any idea how you sound/appear right now?
Y: We aren't talking about me at the moment, we are talking about you...(continue conversation)
There are several other instances of this scenario... but in essence what they all are, are attempts on his part to distract you enough that the focus is taken off him and placed back onto you. It is a CLASSIC method of avoidance behavior. What you have to learn is how to patiently bring the focus back to him. If you are aware that he does this, this really helps to keep your annoyance levels down, because you will be expecting this.
This is what the shrink told me was learning how to fight fair. Meaning, you learn to keep all past transgressions and the kitchen sink OUT of your current discussion by NOT engaging in distracting issues, and continually bringing the conversation BACK to the issue at hand. Try it sometime... if you do it righ the first time, you get to see your spouse go through the roof in less than 10 minutes... it is a very satisifying event, especially if your spouse prides themselves on always being the calm and collected one...
But beyond that, you do learn how to address the issues at hand, and hopefully move closer to resolution. You cannot do that if your spouse always distracts you.
Corri
P.S. Chris, you can do the same thing with your wife. I.e.,
W: "oh, is that a problem?"
Y: I've asked you a question and I am waiting for a response.
W: Well, I don't know what you mean. You seem to be the one who has the problem here.
Y: Then let me repeat the question for you. Again, ask your question.
W: And again I'll ask you, is that a problem?
Y: We have two questions to answer at the moment. Mine and yours. The issue at hand at the moment is my question. We'll get to yours in a moment. (Repeat question).
Your wife avoids by answering a question with a question. Your objective is not to attack her for doing so, but to remind her that there is a question on the table that needs answering. If you are aware that this is her stategy for avoidance, you can bring it back around to the issue at hand by reminding her that you still have not received an answer.
But when you do this, you have to stay clear headed enough to remember your issue/question, and you have to not let whatever zingers they bring up from the past/present/future to distract you from your goal.
