Wed. was set as our 'date night' since that's a night I get home 'early'. Wouldn't you know, I had to schedule a meeting last Wed. after my last student...so I told H that I was going to be late, and asked if he wanted to change the night, or mentioned that if he got the boys to bed before I got home, we'd have more time.

H didn't say anything, but the boys were almost in bed when I got home Wed.

We both kind of wandered around the house for a while, it was kind of awkward, but finally we ended up going downstairs and playing (music) together, untill H got frustrated.

To be honest, I don't remember exactly how things went, H gave me a kiss and hug before we went to sleep, and I remember feeling a little as though I had let him lead things, like it was going back to how it was when we were dating and I felt as though things would go well if I let him lead.

I felt a little as though I was leading him on. And I felt uncomfortable Thurs night when we cuddled in bed (and I felt like a jerk for feeling that way. yeah, I've been wrestling with my feelings a lot in the past couple of weeks). Fri was our 10th anniversary, and H started thanking me for being there.

H was friendly on Fri morning, too, and I blew it - I honestly remembered that the anniversary was Sat!!! In my defense, we were going out on Sat. (just by coincidence) so I think I had just been telling myself that we were going out for our anniversary, and besides, this is the first time in 10 yrs that H has been the first to bring it up!

But I still felt bad, and decided to do something. So I ran around making a cake and planning a dinner for the family, and told the kids about the anniversary, saying it was like a birthday party for our family. The kids got into it, and the girls gave us a little concert. We had a good dinner, and it was nice. The rest of the night was friendly, that's all.

I was feeling guilty that I didn't push things. Like I mentioned in MM's thread, I'm beginning to see that my not speaking up is just as bad as H demanding. It's pretty passive-aggressive, but at the same time, now that school and work has started, I am exhausted, and was beginning to feel that I didn't want to take this on.

Tonight we went to the theater. It was nice, but the performance wasn't that great, and I did tell H my opinion, which I wouldn't usually do, since I'd be afraid H would think I was being cruel. We had a good time.

After we got home, H went upstairs for a while, and I got involved in a movie that the in-laws had left on the TV. H came down and asked if I would make him some food and could we watch something(else) together. I jumped up and said yes.

After I went into the kitchen, I realized what I was doing (once again...)

So when I brought the food in, I said, 'you know, I'm not doing either of us any good by just jumping up to meet your needs'

H got very upset and stormed out of the room. He came back, probably when he realized I wasn't going to chase after him.

'So what do you want to do? Can I eat?'

'Of course you can eat, and in all honestly, I don't mind watching something else, but I don't like that I just jump to do what you want. It's like this whole thing with us not ML. Why is it so strange that your W wants to ML to you?'

H gets visably upset 'Are we going to watch or not?'

We can watch, but please understand that I do not intend to live in a sexless marriage.

It pretty much ended there. H made no comment. I know we've had this convo before, but for me, this was different. This time, I honestly didn't want to know his opinion, I wasn't expecting anything, and if he had grabbed me and thrown me on the floor right there, I wouldn't have resisted one bit ( I might of, inspite of being damn h*rny before, due to resentment).

I'm not resentful, right now anyway, 'cause I see what I've done. I want to have the guts to be me.