IMO, the problem with "date night" is that the LD "uncommitted" spouse blows it off too regularly in favor of some selfish activity (reading or watching TV or sleeping). This leads the HD spouse to feel like a failure. A night reading PM or SSM instead of pretending to enjoy LD spouse's company is more fulfilling in many cases.
I know that "date night" works sometimes, and maybe I'm just a pessimist at heart. Gotta try SOMETHING different when nothing familiar is working, right?
I do plan to try to stick with the date night, rather than jumping H right now, because, to be honest, my heart wouldn't be in it. That is of course, if I could somehow get past his armor (in H's defense, I got a rather long hug this morning). I can releave the physical tension myself, at least pretty well. And if I use sex to releave H's tension, I'm setting myself up for all kinds of problems. I want us to ML because we both want to.
Will he stick to the date night? Heck, right now I'm not sure I want to. And a lot of it has to do with fear. It's not even fear that H will turn me down, or say something horrible, or tell me he wants out - it's just fear of the unknown. Fear that I have to take responsibility for me. It's very easy to just sit back and be in a 'bad R', that 'H picks on me', or whatever - gives me an out. Without that, I have to be the me that I complain (at least to myself ) I can't be.
I've been circling around this for a long time, long before I came here...fear. One of the most difficult things a performing musicians has to learn is how not to take criticism personally. It very often is what separates the good and the great. If you can get through the masterclasses, competitions, critics, and really believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says, someone is going to start listening to you, at least because they admire your stamina. If they don't you have to decide if you really are saying it clearly enough, if it's really worth saying, or you can decide that you just are misunderstood and plug on.
There's always this voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I'm really not good enough, that what I'm saying is not worth hearing, and that my critics are right. And since H knows me so well, he knows how to amplify that voice to keep me at arm's length so he doesn't have to look himself in the face. I just have to keep plowing on.
I think you have hit the nail on the head. I am sorry that I didn't catch this before as it is quite obvious. Fear is your biggest enemy.
I am not list crazy, but they are very handy tools for thinking through situations that are difficult to hold in detail in your brain.
Make a list of issues you fear most in your relationship. Beside each fear, list what is really likely to happen in reality, then the worst case and best case scenarios. After you have finished the list, revisit each item and write what you would like to happen with each item.
Give the worksheet to your husband and ask him to comment on each item.
Just an idea, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Mo, J33 I'm watching you to see if this is possible. To see if things can change, permanently. I know the danger in that is that we're all different inspite of the similarities on the surface, but it's something, anyway.
Heapmom, you raise a good question. Will things change permanently? Honestly, I think nothing is permanent, especially not in a relationship. But I do know one thing. We will never go back to the way we were, because I have changed. In that sense, it is permanent.
H and I have gone through many cycles of coming close and drawing apart. This happened because I would blow, and he would react by giving me what I wanted. But it never lasted because I was just going after what I wanted without looking at the bigger picture. This is not true anymore. I think H is slowly realizing this too.
The bottomline is that I have told him that I would do what I had to in order to make it work as well. I am willing to listen, to change and love him in the way he wants to be loved. But I was done living in denial. I was done living in a sexless marriage. Rinse and repeat. I have been crystal clear about this.
That's what started this latest 'pilgrimage', a letter I wrote to him. I won't do it again. It did get some things out, but allowed him to pick and choose what he wanted to deal with.
I'm going to spend some time dealing with my fears and then confront H. 'Till then, I'm trying to be pleasant, and thinking about my part in this. Mojo's quote on 'finding room in my room' has also given me something to think about. I know I'm harboring a lot of resentment, and I have to get to a point where I really truly want this to work before it will.
Wed. was set as our 'date night' since that's a night I get home 'early'. Wouldn't you know, I had to schedule a meeting last Wed. after my last student...so I told H that I was going to be late, and asked if he wanted to change the night, or mentioned that if he got the boys to bed before I got home, we'd have more time.
H didn't say anything, but the boys were almost in bed when I got home Wed.
We both kind of wandered around the house for a while, it was kind of awkward, but finally we ended up going downstairs and playing (music) together, untill H got frustrated.
To be honest, I don't remember exactly how things went, H gave me a kiss and hug before we went to sleep, and I remember feeling a little as though I had let him lead things, like it was going back to how it was when we were dating and I felt as though things would go well if I let him lead.
I felt a little as though I was leading him on. And I felt uncomfortable Thurs night when we cuddled in bed (and I felt like a jerk for feeling that way. yeah, I've been wrestling with my feelings a lot in the past couple of weeks). Fri was our 10th anniversary, and H started thanking me for being there.
H was friendly on Fri morning, too, and I blew it - I honestly remembered that the anniversary was Sat!!! In my defense, we were going out on Sat. (just by coincidence) so I think I had just been telling myself that we were going out for our anniversary, and besides, this is the first time in 10 yrs that H has been the first to bring it up!
But I still felt bad, and decided to do something. So I ran around making a cake and planning a dinner for the family, and told the kids about the anniversary, saying it was like a birthday party for our family. The kids got into it, and the girls gave us a little concert. We had a good dinner, and it was nice. The rest of the night was friendly, that's all.
I was feeling guilty that I didn't push things. Like I mentioned in MM's thread, I'm beginning to see that my not speaking up is just as bad as H demanding. It's pretty passive-aggressive, but at the same time, now that school and work has started, I am exhausted, and was beginning to feel that I didn't want to take this on.
Tonight we went to the theater. It was nice, but the performance wasn't that great, and I did tell H my opinion, which I wouldn't usually do, since I'd be afraid H would think I was being cruel. We had a good time.
After we got home, H went upstairs for a while, and I got involved in a movie that the in-laws had left on the TV. H came down and asked if I would make him some food and could we watch something(else) together. I jumped up and said yes.
After I went into the kitchen, I realized what I was doing (once again...)
So when I brought the food in, I said, 'you know, I'm not doing either of us any good by just jumping up to meet your needs'
H got very upset and stormed out of the room. He came back, probably when he realized I wasn't going to chase after him.
'So what do you want to do? Can I eat?'
'Of course you can eat, and in all honestly, I don't mind watching something else, but I don't like that I just jump to do what you want. It's like this whole thing with us not ML. Why is it so strange that your W wants to ML to you?'
H gets visably upset 'Are we going to watch or not?'
We can watch, but please understand that I do not intend to live in a sexless marriage.
It pretty much ended there. H made no comment. I know we've had this convo before, but for me, this was different. This time, I honestly didn't want to know his opinion, I wasn't expecting anything, and if he had grabbed me and thrown me on the floor right there, I wouldn't have resisted one bit ( I might of, inspite of being damn h*rny before, due to resentment).
I'm not resentful, right now anyway, 'cause I see what I've done. I want to have the guts to be me.
heapmom wrote: ----------------- We can watch, but please understand that I do not intend to live in a sexless marriage. -----------------
That was gutsy. I like it.
You might want to put Rolaids on the grocery list for the next time HE goes shopping :-)
He is going to need them.....
WoooHoo!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Of course, Ml would probably make me happy... But it ain't just about sex!!!!!!!!!!
I would say that if we ML it's a symptom of a healthier relationship.I wouldn't be happier if H just had sex with me to keep me quiet...but I also don't think I'll settle for him just being friendly.
Sex for me is part of enjoying life, and I want to enjoy life with H.
But it ain't just about sex!!!!!!!!!!