I do plan to try to stick with the date night, rather than jumping H right now, because, to be honest, my heart wouldn't be in it. That is of course, if I could somehow get past his armor (in H's defense, I got a rather long hug this morning). I can releave the physical tension myself, at least pretty well. And if I use sex to releave H's tension, I'm setting myself up for all kinds of problems. I want us to ML because we both want to.
Will he stick to the date night? Heck, right now I'm not sure I want to. And a lot of it has to do with fear. It's not even fear that H will turn me down, or say something horrible, or tell me he wants out - it's just fear of the unknown. Fear that I have to take responsibility for me. It's very easy to just sit back and be in a 'bad R', that 'H picks on me', or whatever - gives me an out. Without that, I have to be the me that I complain (at least to myself ) I can't be.
I've been circling around this for a long time, long before I came here...fear. One of the most difficult things a performing musicians has to learn is how not to take criticism personally. It very often is what separates the good and the great. If you can get through the masterclasses, competitions, critics, and really believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says, someone is going to start listening to you, at least because they admire your stamina. If they don't you have to decide if you really are saying it clearly enough, if it's really worth saying, or you can decide that you just are misunderstood and plug on.
There's always this voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I'm really not good enough, that what I'm saying is not worth hearing, and that my critics are right. And since H knows me so well, he knows how to amplify that voice to keep me at arm's length so he doesn't have to look himself in the face. I just have to keep plowing on.
