Chris,
I will admit that I've been pretty bad at letting myself have 'time off'. Partially because I sensed that H would sulk for a couple of days afterwards, which may be true, or it may of course just be that I may have my antennae switched on high

Last Sunday I went out for a walk with a close GF. She knows my sitch pretty well, and she just went through a nasty adoption (ended up having to give up the boy ) so we try to take time out just to walk and talk. When I got home, no one was there, H had left his cell phone on his desk. I had calmed down enough when they got back from their walk not to say anything, thank goodness, but I would never think of going out with the kids without leaving some kind of message, or letting H know if he was expecting us.

The rest of this message probably will degenerate into intense whining so I'll warn you now, you can skip it if you want

First I should say that I'm pretty new at this, so for me there's no 'reverting' necessary, I'm still trying to untangle myself and figure out how to approach things.

I consider myself a pretty easy going person. Don't get me wrong, I have a temper, and I know I can be controlling at times. But I've never nagged H about leaving things around, and I hate that he expects me to act like his mother by expecting me to make personal decisions for him.

I started doing most of the housework because if I didn't H would get miserable. This started after the birth of our first child, and in trying to get over my anger I thought that this was what H needed to know I still cared. Besides, if H did help, he would make a big production out of it, and spend the whole time complaining that if I had cleaned right in the first place he wouldn't have to do so much work. Then spend the next week complaining that the kitchen he had just cleaned was dirty again. It was just easier to do it myself than to listen to that.

Yes, I got very resentful. I'm sure I wasn't very pleasant to be with. D8 was a very demanding baby, and H + I both walked around the first year in a sort of psychotic sleep deprived fog. I would get up with her because H was working, but H never offered to let me sleep in on the weekends.

I know that M can't be all fun and games, and I understand that there is a lot of hard work involved, and that life with 4 young kids is far from easy. I understand that there is going to be a lot of rough times along the way. But is it so wrong for me to wish that H would take some interest in our family life? Not to mention me...

Last summer I took the kids to the States for 6 weeks, and H met us there for the last 10 days. That was the first family trip we had taken since the boys were born - and I mean we hadn't done more than spend a weekend at H's parents' summer cottage - with the in-laws there, and H spends the weekend reading for the most part. He doesn't play in the yard with the kids, though I will give him credit that he has gotten better this summer.

H sleeps in on the weekends. He is a night owl, and often when he's off from work will stay up till 3-4am, then sleep in 'till noon. A year or so ago I decided that I would throw aside my resentment and just pretend he wasn't there. I really thought that H would hear us in the morning and want to join us. Instead, he seems to have taken it as a message that he can sleep in - and there hasn't been a weekend for the past year or so that he hasn't woken up before noon, unless we are going somewhere. He comes downstairs after the kids and I have eaten, expects me to make his breakfast, turns on the stereo, and reads the newspaper. Often after that, he goes into the computer room for the rest of the afternoon.

I know that I need to set boundaries. But it's very hard when H picks all the time about my language, how I keep house, how I fold clothes, park the car, etc. I will admit that I did loose a great deal of self-esteem.

Part of the problem is H doesn't seem to know how to have fun. He has no friends to go out with, his hobbies consist of sitting on commitees and doing a lot of layout and editing/translating work. I know he enjoys it, but I also know it just adds to his stress. Any time he has an opportunity to do something, he goes out with the attitude that he won't have fun, and comes home as soon as he possibly can.

So I don't complain if he takes a day now and then to just 'veg out'. And in some ways I'm happy that he doesn't come down in the mornings. But he still complains that I don't do enough, or do things the right way, and he still pushes my attempts at affection aside.

If H were pleasant 50% of the time, it would be such a big change that I would probably throw a party. If we ML once a month, I wouldn't know how to contain myself ( I hope I would keep quiet for a while that I wanted more)

I honestly have been trying to be more positive around H, and I know there is a lot more that I can do. I also realize that in order for H to 'change', I'm going to have to stick to holding on to myself, set a lot firmer boundaries, and I already have gone a long way to being more organized. I have been quilty of 'martyrdom', but I've also realized how that does more harm than good. I'm not going that way again, I hope.

But I do still long for a hug, a kiss a strong embrace. I wish that H would tell me I'm beautiful...

It isn't easy for H. I've tried to be better at noticing the little things. A few years ago he gave me a very thoughtfull Christmas present, and I did try to thank him - and keep thanking him long after he gave it. Last night I performed at the party held after BIL presented his doctoral thesis, and while H didn't say anything, I did notice he seemed proud after that.

I've made a point of saying little things to him during the day, even though H usually doesn't agknowledge it. If I try to tell him about my day, he says 'what can I do ?,', and he would never think of sharing his day with me.

I've tried to understand that he is a very private person, and that our needs are different. But I still feel incredably lonely some times.

If anyone has actually read this to the end, I'll appologize now for the whining. I'm not even sure it helped me to get it off my chest. There are times when I just want to put PM away, and just 'forget' there are any problems, not because it's hard (which it is) but because I just want to be normal. I just want to get to where I can get mad or annoyed at H and make up, even if it takes a week

To end on an upbeat, my H is a very intellegent person, with a perfectionist nature, which though it makes him very difficult to live with, can be very beneficial at times. I do appreciate the fact that he keeps very good track of our finances, which enables us to live in a beautiful home, even though I am 'only' a musician