It does sound like your H takes more initiative than mine. As I indicated in an earlier post, I would be happy if my H would do something like buy a phone for our D. My H might say "Don't you think you ought to buy a phone for D?" but he would never go out and do it himself. His methods of controlling our home environment are complaining about something until I put it on my To Do list or using his boyish charm/sulking to get me to spoil him.

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I will admit that I can tend to be 'bossy'. As I'm the one who takes the most responsibility for the daily running of things, I do get annoyed when H sleeps in till noon, then gets up and tells me how I should be doing things. I honestly would like to come to a compromise, but don't know how to break the gridlock. And I guess I am pretty lousy at setting boundaries with H.



Ditto. I once told my H that I felt that he loved me the way Mr. Brady loved Alice. I guess what I was trying to convey was that he treated me like a servant/mother rather than a wife/lover. Sort of like I was his nursemaid and he was my spoiled charge. On the one hand, I had power in the relationship because I was more like the adult and he was the child. On the other hand, he had more power because he was in a sense my employer and I had to indulge him more than my "real" children. It sounds like this is what is going on in your relationship too.

In a way, being a SAHM or making less money than your H can feel like an equitable relationship if you naturally have a stronger personality. The problem is the problem we're having. If your job in life is to be a strong maternal presence, it's hard not to be perceived as a strong maternal presence by your H. Since few men actually are "motherf*ckers", obvious problems arise.

I know I am oversimplifying the situation, but my current mindset is that I(you?) should concentrate on not mothering our H's while being careful not to be so reactionary that we start acting like children ourselves. Step back, act like a grown-up, wait calmly until another grownup shows up and wants to have sex with you.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver