Thanks for your response. Yes, I have been reading your thread, and it does sound like we're in a very similar boat.
Quote: I think you are having the same problem that I've been having. Our H's exhibit immature behavior because we treat them too much like children. If we try to take a "tough" PM style stand, it is just another version of acting like "Mommy". The only change is that instead of being an "indulgent" Mom (like I used to be) or a Mom inclined to lose her temper(like you used to be?) we are being "calm and in charge" Moms. This is somewhat effective for the obvious reason that this approach works so well with children. Like you, I think there is a limit to it's effectiveness in an equal relationship between adults. The goal shouldn't be that we get better "behavior" from our H's because we do a better job "parenting" them. The goal should be to stop parenting our H's and hope that they will choose to grow up and meet us as equals.
I will admit that I do tend to address our problems in the way that I would address problems with the kids, or a student. My previous anger was very much a defense mechanism - a knee jerk response to avoid dealing with the hurt straight on. I've also, like you tried to be indulgent. Thing is, I would never do either of those things with my kids! What works best with them is to remain calm, let them tell me their point of view before I try to explain my own. I try to explain why my view is probably the best one...(or if all else fails, just say 'because I'm the mom!)
H doesn't like to hear my explanations. He wants things spelled out black and white, yes or no answers. I like to explore all the possibilities, or explain my POV. He gets very anxious with this, and cuts me off, asks me just to make a decision. It's as though he wants me to be the mom and make the decisions.
Who makes the major decisions? In a way, neither of us. Earlier this summer, FIL wanted to make a railing for our front walk so that MIL would have an easier time getting up the stairs. H told me about it as FIL was driving over to put it in. I got upset that I wasn't informed, or asked, H said he already knew what my response would be, and that FIL had already stated that if we didn't take this 'gift', he would refuse to help out with the kids (!?!?)
With the phone for my daughter, H mentioned this about a year ago, and I said I thought it was too soon. Then he went and bought it without consulting me last week.
H has took over family finances about 4 yrs ago, when we moved in here. So I am in the position of having to ask him about any purchases. It's almost as though H wants me to make the decisions - on his timetable.
I will admit that I can tend to be 'bossy'. As I'm the one who takes the most responsibility for the daily running of things, I do get annoyed when H sleeps in till noon, then gets up and tells me how I should be doing things. I honestly would like to come to a compromise, but don't know how to break the gridlock. And I guess I am pretty lousy at setting boundaries with H.
