Conversation 101

[MJontheMend]

HM,

I don't know if you've read my recent posts, but your situation is really remarkably like mine.

But I'm really beginning to question how effective these ideas are in a 'equal' R (meaning a M rather than a R where I'm supposed to be in charge)if there's only one person who's initiating the change.

I think you are having the same problem that I've been having. Our H's exhibit immature behavior because we treat them too much like children. If we try to take a "tough" PM style stand, it is just another version of acting like "Mommy". The only change is that instead of being an "indulgent" Mom (like I used to be) or a Mom inclined to lose her temper(like you used to be?) we are being "calm and in charge" Moms. This is somewhat effective for the obvious reason that this approach works so well with children. Like you, I think there is a limit to it's effectiveness in an equal relationship between adults. The goal shouldn't be that we get better "behavior" from our H's because we do a better job "parenting" them. The goal should be to stop parenting our H's and hope that they will choose to grow up and meet us as equals.

H continues to 'pick' at me.

IMO this is exactly the equivalent of a child whining or being naughty in order to get attention. My H does this all the time. If we choose to treat our H's like children, the proper response would be to ignore the behavior and not reward it. We both know that this is the best way to handle children when they "act out" in this way. On one level, this would be an effective way to deal with this type of behavior from our Hs and it might almost seem like a "differentiated" move, but I'm starting to look at the situation differently. Would I choose to ignore this behavior if it came from any other adult who I regard as a peer? I don't think so. How would you react if a work colleague or a neighbor "picked on you" in the way that your H does? If you are like me, you would establish some "boundaries" between yourself and that colleague/neighbor post-haste.

I do lack respect for H, mainly because I feel he lacks respect for himself. H has sometimes said that he is afraid of me, and now I'm starting to think that may be true - in that he's afraid that I can really stand on my own two feet. I'm not sure whether or not he has any respect for me, because he doesn't show it.

He's afraid of you because he sees you as a figure of authority or a parental figure. He lacks respect for himself because he acts like a child. He treats you with disrespect because you treat him like a child. IMO. IMO. IMO.

Maybe I'm not diferentiated enough, but I really would need someone to be the strong one once in a while. I feel as though I do most of the housework, and caring for the kids, and I need a break from being the 'boss'. I also know that this may be an indication of how fused this R is, because I'm sure if you asked H, he would feel that the burden of responsibility falls on him.

You feel like the boss because you probably are the boss. Are you sure that your H feels like the boss too? Or is your sich really more like mine in which my H feels like a child who is being asked to take on too much responsibility. Who makes the major decisions in your household?