I understand very well the idea behind PM and SSM that if one person in a R changes, they will bring about change in the other. I know as a mother of 4 that I need to be calm and in charge (and hold on to myself big time) if I want my children to feel comfortable and have space to grow. I know as a flute teacher that people pick up body language very easily - I can affect changes in my students just by the way I stand during a lesson.
But I'm really beginning to question how effective these ideas are in a 'equal' R (meaning a M rather than a R where I'm supposed to be in charge)if there's only one person who's initiating the change. I've just read through the explanation of hugging till relaxed in PM, and I really wonder how if it is possible to get any benefit from this in a 'reasonable' amount of time if only one partner is aware of what is going on.
The other night, during our 'date', I really broke down at one point. H asked if I wanted him to leave me alone for a while, and I said, 'No, what I really would like is a hug'. I had just read about the idea of hugging till relaxed, and I was determined I would 'stand on my own two feet'.
I stood, holding on to myself, and H leaned on me in the hug - and bolted after about 4 seconds. I did feel a little better, it did feel very good to hold on to myself that way for even that short a time.
What kind of results have you all had with the hugging? Do you explain the idea to your S? If yes, how, and if no - do you get to the point that your S doesn't bolt? The examples that Schnarch uses are examples of couples who are in therapy with him together, so that both have an understanding of what is going on, and both get the benefit of having a coach. I guess I'm just asking, do you get any kind of result with hugging till relaxed without telling your S what's going on?
H continues to 'pick' at me. In a way, this is a breakthrough, H+I hadn't been speaking much at all, and pretty much avoiding contact with each other. Now that I've made it obvious that I want to change things, H seems to see it as an opportunity to tell me what I do that bother him. I try to hold on to myself, but I'm not always good at it, and as soon as I loose it once, it gives H more fuel to point out what I'm doing wrong.
I've decided that I'm in a RSM (respect starved M) rather than 'just' an SSM (and I'll admit that I may lack as much respect for H as he seems to for me). Actually, as I read that last statement, I don't know if that's really what's going on. I do lack respect for H, mainly because I feel he lacks respect for himself. H has sometimes said that he is afraid of me, and now I'm starting to think that may be true - in that he's afraid that I can really stand on my own two feet. I'm not sure whether or not he has any respect for me, because he doesn't show it.
But in reality, I can't stand completely alone. Maybe I'm not diferentiated enough, but I really would need someone to be the strong one once in a while. I feel as though I do most of the housework, and caring for the kids, and I need a break from being the 'boss'. I also know that this may be an indication of how fused this R is, because I'm sure if you asked H, he would feel that the burden of responsibility falls on him. I want to know how to get to the place where we are both able to accept that our realities may be different - and that that doesn't really matter.
