Think about how this contrasts with the behavior of many of the LD wives. If you really don't like or desire sexual activity than I would say that you can't really consciously decide to "withhold" it. What was your H or my H thinking as they pulled out their porn stash or trolled the internet for excitement. Clearly, they wanted to engage in a sexual activity. Are our needs so unimportant that they didn't even consider them or did they consider our needs and consciously decide to ignore them once again?
Mo, Heapmom,
This subject is a source of some pain to me as well. I have always known that my H was masturbating with some frequency. He is not an avid consumer of porn, but does look at it on occassion (as far as I know).
I have no problems with porn. We used to watch it together occassionally, but he told me at one point that it ruined it for him. (Any takers on what that means?). So we stopped watching together, but he will watch it sometimes or go online. He has never tried to hide or flaunt it. On the one hand, it hurts me to think that he was, as Mo rightly pointed out, engaging in a sexual activity while deliberately excluding me. On the other hand, he would at times talk about using porn to get himself in the mood for me, because his drive is not what it used to be. I am honestly confused about what to feel about it anymore. I have decided not to traumatize myself over it. I do believe that watching porn and masturbating was his way of relieving himself, and this happened as a fallout of other things in our relationship. Yes, absolutely, he was withholding. This is clear to me now. I don't think he did it to deliberately hurt me. I guess he was hurting as well.
Mo, if it helps, here are some reasons that H gave me over the years for why we weren't having enough sex. At the time, I always dismissed it as the excuse of the moment, but some are blatantly true and others have some grain of truth in them. In no particular order, here we go:
- His sex drive is lower than mine. Yes, he has no problem being candid about this. He will even say that his testosterone levels have dropped, but has refused to get them checked.
- He feels he is giving more to the marriage, and having sex with me would be one more area where he would be giving in.
- I once told him that we did the same thing all the time and this turned him off
- We did the same thing all the time and this turned him off (This was told at a different time period )
- I expected too much foreplay and he felt he was doing all the work
- All the usual reasons - too late at night, too tired, too busy etc.
I do want to revisit some of the history with H at some point in time, but I feel it is counterproductive right now to the healing process.
Mo, I feel your pain. I really do. But do you think going down this line of thought is helping you at this point?
). So we stopped watching together, but he will watch it sometimes or go online. He has never tried to hide or flaunt it. On the one hand, it hurts me to think that he was, as Mo rightly pointed out, engaging in a sexual activity while deliberately excluding me. On the other hand, he would at times talk about using porn to get himself in the mood for me, because his drive is not what it used to be. I am honestly confused about what to feel about it anymore. I have decided not to traumatize myself over it. I do believe that watching porn and masturbating was his way of relieving himself, and this happened as a fallout of other things in our relationship. Yes, absolutely, he was withholding. This is clear to me now. I don't think he did it to deliberately hurt me. I guess he was hurting as well.
)
