Got up with the kids this morning, fed them breakfast, cleaned up, then I thought I'd go 'snuggle' for a bit with H in bed.

Managed to get the kids out, and climbed in. (one 'cultural' note: we use 'comforters' here, rather than tucking sheets in, and we each have our own. Not very romantic, but warm in the winter )

H was in a nice mood, didn't mind when I put my hand on his arm. So, I got bold. 'I've enjoyed that you've been in such a good mood lately!'

Little pleasant grunt from H.

'I would like it if you would touch me and be affectionate more often.' H smiles, so I sat up a little.

'I would probably be a lot more pleasant to deal with if you did'

Guess I must have leaned in a little, 'cause H said 'Please don't push me( it was obvious he meant this literally, not as in what I was saying was making him uncomfortable)'

me ' I didn't realize I was pushing. To me, it feels like you're pushing me away when you say that, and I feel sad.'

No answer, but H was quiet for a while, as though he was thinking. I think this went pretty well. I didn't want to bring too much up, maybe that's the coward in me, but I also think H would have become defensive, and it wouldn't have gone as well. I should follow up again, so he knows I'm serious.

Later, I went downstairs to pick up some laundry I had folded, and H was sitting on the coach reading. I remembered one thing I needed him to do, so I asked him about it.

H 'Please don't stand there like that, it makes me uncomfortable' (this is very common, he doesn't like me to be higher than he is, or to stand behind, or too close to him when we talk).

I sit down and ask again. I have to go over the thing a few times so that he understands(and I guess I'm getting a little annoyed and my tone goes up) and then S4b starts jumping in. H asks him to stop. S4b continues, so I ask him to stop as well.

H 'Why to you need to control everything?'

Me 'What do you mean?'

H 'First you come and stand there, then you raise your voice, now you have to say the same thing to S4b that I just did. Don't you trust me?'

Me ' Sorry, that's not at all what I meant...'

There was another conversation later on, where H asked my opinion about something (not really important what), and preceded it by asking me to listen to the end. So he told me what he wanted to say, and when he had stopped, I gave my opinion, then asked him a question.

H 'see, I knew you wouldn't wait 'till I was finished'

Me 'But you had stopped speaking, and you only got mad after I asked the question'

H ' Now I don't remember what I was going to say' and he huffed off downstairs.

So I left him alone for a while, then when back downstairs, and explained that I would listen if he would tell me again what he had said. This time I had him tell me when he was done (we use this often. It may be a cultural thing, as Finns do have a slower conversational pace, but H is particularly 'slow' in this regard). This time, we were able, finally, to finish the conversation. It did take a while to get him to understand my POV (he said he already 'knew' what I was thinking - very different than what I was actually thinking)

These are very typical convos for us, and I'm always left drained...I'm able to keep my cool pretty well, and I try hard to listen, and stay calm when I explain, but it's as though he's already had the conversation in his head, and is afraid to have it out loud, 'cause I'll disagree with him. After this one, I went upstairs, and almost broke down. I know it drained H as well, 'cause he was pretty short with the kids for the rest of the afternoon.

I know part of the reason our convos about anything are this strained, is that I did let my resentment get the best of me for a while, and especially when the kids were very little, and I was dealing with severe sleep deprivation, I didn't keep my cool very well, and wasn't all that pleasant to talk to. I've been working on this now for more than a year, and at least now we can almost discuss things, but I wonder if we'll ever get to the point were H will be a little less defensive? Anything I can do to help him along?