I would say that I've been both the initiator and taking control in all of our encounters for a year now. But in the last month...now that we're seeing each other again...I'm starting to see some progress.
The last time we were together I gave her a 30 minute head to toe message and she really enjoyed it. When I used a bit more oil and was more seductive towards the end she kinda tensed up a lot. It was probably the closest she's come to having sex with me in a year...but then she tensed up and wanted me to stop and just cuddle with her.
We talked about it the next day. What she told me was pretty revealing. Essentially that she has always valued her self-worth and 99% of her self-esteem based on whether or not a man wanted to have sex with her. She said it's something she's always stuggled with for her whole life. And that being wanted sexually...even if it was from someone she'd never sleep with...gave her a boost. So when we had our problems it hurt her to the core because that's how she has always viewed sex...it was about her self-esteem and not really the other person in the room.
I said that I understood what she was saying and how my problems must have hurt her a great deal. She also said that she just doesn't know how to think about it a different way...but that she doesn't want to feel this way.
I suggested that instead of the need to feel wanted...how about making me feel wanted. Something that honestly I've always felt was missing...and didn't really understand why she acted that way towards me until this talk. Essentially...if you want something, then you need to give it. That way you're being expressive and not just hoping to be on the receiving end.
Anyhow...we plan to spend this weekend together so I'm hoping that we can have some quality time together. I keep being positive and I'm betting that eventually she'll be able to breakthrough this wall she's built up.
Thoughts?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
