Monk, I could not be happy in a completely sexless marriage. No amount of acceptance attempts on my part would ever fill that hole.
My husband could never be happy in a marriage that did not include quality time. He would become increasingly angry..despondent..disgusted, etc. Would he ever reach a level of "resigned to the situation but still cheerful?" No way. I worked a job in which I traveled a large amount and was gone a lot. He hated it. He never accepted it and pouted every time I had to leave. He simply did not feel that it was much of a relationship without my physical presence in the home the vast majority of the time.
Everyone is different. I'm sure that your wife has some need that if not met would totally unravel her love and commitment to you. It isn't sex but there is certainly something that she feels is THE necessary component for her devotion to continue.
So to answer your question, YOU might not be able to fully love without physical intimacy occurring, but your wife can. My husband would not (I suspect) be able to maintain his love for me if I did not spend lots of time with him and make this home, and him indirectly, a huge focus of my attention. Everyone is different but I can't imagine that anyone has the ability to go through life with their major need unmet and still proclaim marital happiness.
Quote: defining yourself as "normal" and your W as ND (no drive), is prejudicial and accusatory, and, no wonder she feels like you think she's broken. I used to do this with my W, so, you just have to work through this. The terms HD and LD are relative in nature: I have a higher drive than my W. She has a lower drive than I.
HD,
This is irrational gibberish. Perhaps the Son of Sam was a nice guy relative to Hitler, but that doesn't mean that he was a nice guy. "Normal" isn't an adjective that is applied subjectively. It has a clear cut meaning. Perhaps there is some margin of error in determining what a normal sex drive for an adult woman might be, but that doesn't mean that wanting sex twice a year is anywhere near the peak of the normal curve. Your wife is way down in the valley, multiple standard deviations away from the norm. I don't see what any one of us on this board gains by buying into postmodern relativism when it comes to our sex lives, except perhaps the comforting feeling that we are too "nice" to call a spade a spade.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MM wrote: This board, SSM and PM gave me hope for my marriage because they gave me hope that by changing myself I could increase the passion in my marriage. -----------------------
I know I'm going to get blasted for this, but I truly believe that the W has more power to affect this than the H.
If my HD/LD were reversed in my sitch, there is no question but that my W would get changes in our sex life from me that would last forever. I'm unable to get the same results. That's not to say that she'd be completely fulfilled by the results she got (as w/Mr. Wilson and Mr. HP), but she'd definitely be able to move us from where we are.
I'm aware that our sex life will never get to a place of priority w/my W. And it's my fault. By putting up with it, I trained her that she doesn't have to make it a priority. My opportunity for that is gone. It's still the area of greatest pain for me, but there are responsibilities that are of greater importance, namely my kids. When they're grown, I'll have to see what is most important then.
Monk, my suggestion to you would be to ask your W if she's OK w/you having your sexual needs met w/someone else. If she's not, ask her what she suggests you do. You still need to eat even though she's decided she's through cooking.
But Mojo, please tell me what you REALLY think about it.
Okay, so I'm looking at what I wrote again, and, while it may not be at the level of "gibberish," it's fairly irrational, and DANG IT...I was actually starting to believe it! Yes, it was said in the interest of being a "sensitive guy" and yes, my W has berated me for saying that she is somehow not normal (I never said she was abnormal, just that her drive seemed "below" the norm). So I wrote it down, submitted it, went to lunch, and them WHAM! Here comes the Moj, boppin' me upside the head, with some blunt object. What the heck was that...oh my goodness, it is an alternate TRUTH! Do you mean to tell me that my W's truth is not the only one?
Thank you Mojo for yet another wake-up call. If you were right here, I'd give you a big hug. And yes, I'd probably try to go for an ass-grab, too. Call me a pervert. My W does.
Hairdog - shaking his head to clear those spinning stars from his eyesight.
Some women lose their sex drive for a host of reasons. The question really should be "Is she doing everything humanely possible to alleviate the situation". This would be the best way to see her commitment to you. She should know what YOU want, and then she should be willing to work as hard as possible to overcome her problems. THIS is the true sign of love. If she dismisses our needs, then that says it all, does it not?
Since my dictionary defines perversion as "deviation from the normal in sexual desires or activities" and I've already determined that your wife is nowhere near the peak of the normal curve in her sexual desires or activities, it's pretty clear that your wife is a pervert. The jury is still out on whether you are so far down the slope on the other side that you should be considered one too. What is clear is that you were guilty of perverting the English language and the ideals of rational thought as practiced since the Enlightenment in your earlier post. . I believe reading one of Kant's essays and performing 3 simple geometric proofs should be adequate penance.
Your cruel to be kind headmistress,
MM
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't know, HD, it seemed to rise all the way up to gibberish to me. All of it except the "prejudicial and accusatory" part. That sounded scholarly and lawyerly.
Quote: I know I'm going to get blasted for this, but I truly believe that the W has more power to affect this than the H.
If my HD/LD were reversed in my sitch, there is no question but that my W would get changes in our sex life from me that would last forever. I'm unable to get the same results. That's not to say that she'd be completely fulfilled by the results she got (as w/Mr. Wilson and Mr. HP), but she'd definitely be able to move us from where we are.
I won't blast you, I'll be kind I do sort of get the impression here that us W's may hold more of the cards, no matter which end we're on, but...
If your sitch was reversed, you wouldn't be the same guy you are today. I suspect that if I acted with you the way I do with my H, you would respond a little differently than he does...
But I also know I've got a LONG upwards climb ahead of me. H is very content as long as I have on a smiling face and the kids keep their room sort of clean. He's got his stash of 'women' in the closet and on the net (just pictures), with whom he doesn't have to talk, or worry about 'feelings'...and I know that unless I have nerves (and other body parts) of steel, I'm not gonna get anywhere.
I'm dealing with cultural issues too...Finnish men generally don't talk about anything, let alone admit problems in *any* area. They drink excessively (H doesn't, or I'd be out - couldn't take that on top of everything else) or shoot themselves instead.
I believe reading one of Kant's essays and performing 3 simple geometric proofs should be adequate penance.