Dave, You know, this has been something that has continued to confuse me. My H will say that he is too tired and energy-zapped to ML, but as soon as it is over (as well as the next day) he talks about how glad he was to do it. He sleeps better, he is in a better mood, etc; he cites all kinds of reasons why he is glad.
But it, so far, has not translated into a desire to work through the "I'm too tired" desire-killer. He continues to 'forget' how much better he feels afterwards. He also acts as if it is a surprise nearly every time that he enjoyed himself. I don't understand this.
I mean, on some level I do. Because saying that he is tired is a polite way of saying that he has no desire for me and doesn't want to work thru THAT to find it. I'm sure that he is also tired but that is not the true reason why he resists and he will admit that occasionally.
The low desire barrier must seem pretty insurmountable at the time, so I try to be empathetic.
What I don't understand is that every single time he enjoys himself and says how glad he is that we did it....so why doesn't THIS thought stay in the forefront of his mind? Why is it so easy to fall back on the "I'm tired" routine? Does he remember but sleeping well and being in a good mood doesn't sound good at the moment, either??
These are questions that I do not have the answer to but it is surely something that I often wonder about!
Quote: Dave, You know, this has been something that has continued to confuse me. My H will say that he is too tired and energy-zapped to ML, but as soon as it is over (as well as the next day) he talks about how glad he was to do it. He sleeps better, he is in a better mood, etc; he cites all kinds of reasons why he is glad.
This goes along with the model of arousal that is mentioned in SSM, where libido follows arousal, rather than preceding it. I think this is a pretty common situation for LD spouses.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: That's a good point. I think there can be a fine line with mercy-sex. My W begrudgingly got undressed after I initiated but I didn't read her approach as "mercy"...but "crap...whatever". I felt that her heart was in the right place because she has clearly "heard" me and understands what it means to me. I had faith that it would be better in the long run to accept it and I was right.
Just curious. What is your reading of your wife's state of mind after these kinds of encounters? Does she seem closer to you? Does she seem glad to be done (kiss, kiss, "g'nite, honey", roll over, snore)? Does she seem, on the balance, glad she did it? Like she got something out of it for herself aside from just making you happy?
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I snuck out early this morning for a ride without seeing much of her. I got back late ~ 6:20 pm. She was very nice to me and I was feeling very connected to her. She would never say something like honeypot's H, but I think she is happy when she overcomes. I would like to exercise more than I do. Some days, I feel completely unmotivated and drained. I even *know* that I would be OK once I got moving. I *know* I'd be happy with myself putting in the effort. If somebody came into my office and said "let's go exercise", my first response might be "oh man, I just went yesterday" along with other semi-negative responses. I might even stand up, walk out the door and say "ok fine...let's go". But after it's over, I would be happy with myself for doing it and be appreciative of my friend for forcing me to go.
But hold on to that thought for a sec. If I was sick, injured or extremely tired/fatigued, I might really refuse and/or resent the person for their initiation. The act might be painful and unfruitful for me and make me resent the activity. I don't know. Maybe I'm fishing for a good way to related, but the other night, I felt that my W was on the cusp of saying yes and needed a little encouragement. Again, this is identical to my daughter on her bike when I have to decide if I should accept her "fears" and let her walk section of trail versus encouraging her to try. I take a few factors into consideration like "real difficulty" vs. "percieved difficulty" then balance that with how scared she really is. If my W had tried more than once to say she didn't feel like it, I probably would have accepted it. This is pretty dangerous territory because it sounds like I'm saying "no doesn't mean no" which is bad when it comes to sex. But at the same time, my W trusts that if she really said "no", then I wouldn't force myself on her.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I think the exercise analogy is valid. It is like the dieting analogy I made in another post. My H has made a great deal of progress in terms of committing to an "exercise" program. What I am hoping for now is that it will become a routine for him and eventually a way of life. I think this exactly parallels the way a couch potato commits to starting a jogging routine, experiences some positive results, stays on task, reaches his maximum potential and develops a training routine he can maintain and eventually thinks of himself as a runner. If I can change from a cookie monster into a lover of fish and salad, I am sure my H can change from LD to HD and I think your wife can too.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can confidently say that I have made this transition from LD to HD. In my situation it was a little easier because I was a former HD, so it's more like learning how to ride the bike again. The other day I was in my car driving along and I noticed some sexual tingly feelings...these feelings weren't there because I had consciously thought of something erotic or because of any mental work on my part...they were just there. I wasn't uncomfortably sexual; I just had this pleasant, nice feeling. The amazing thing is that I have been under some stress and my body still reacted this way. This must be health. J
I was just roaming around the board and found you here! I'm so sorry. You are one great guy and your wife had better wake up and realize it!You do know that this isn't about you, I mean really know it? You certainly seem to have all the qualities that a woman would want and I'm sure you would make life fun.
Anymore there is really no reason to live life without a love life. There is so much help out there if it is physical.If it's depression or even something more, like something from her past, that's tougher. Unless she feels this is a problem or wants to understand why she feels this way, nothing will change.
You'll probably have to be the one to decide just how much of this you can take. Now as I look back, I don't understand why I put up with as much as I did, and sexually, my husband was at the other end of the spectrum. I should have questioned that too.
I'm back from vacation rested and ready to annoy the board once again.
Fun times were had by all, unless anyone includes sex in their idea of fun.
Mojo, I was intrigued by your comment about the guys not describing themselves and surprised that nobody let you in on why we don't. Simply put, we're screwed if we do.
I'll use myself as an example so as not to demean the other guys here. If I described myself as a desirable hunk, the HDW would think I was undesirable due to my ego or they would think I was lying. If I described myself as an average guy with thinning hair, pot belly and poor taste in clothes, they wouldn't be interested anyway. So...that's why we rely on our witty banter to attract W. (See how well that's working for us?)
Beth, thanks for your kind comments. I'm OK. I'll just keep joking around to keep my spirits up. I've weighed out the costs of changes that are in my power to make. Now just isn't the time to make some of them.
Mike - life is like a box of chocolates...that your Grandma took a bite of each piece and put back
(See how well that's working for us?)