Slight Course Correction

[NotATLDave]

Chris,

Is there a reason why you dragged your W to a C again?

Yes. Last week, I was suffering so much anxiety as my EC dried up that I couldn't get aroused during a session of her manually doing me. It took a drawn out, painful conversation to get me reconnected enough to enjoy being physical. Then Corri nailed it when she said that I had a sort of meltdown. Corri and NOP both acknowledged that the "crappy responses" by my W have challenged my ability to confidently initiate any loving gestures. Then Corri whacked me across the head with the realization that I was dealing with a major fear of rejection. So I considered getting individual therapy and I still might. But I also was a little bit confused because I thought I understood PM really well and was implementing really well but last weeks episode made me question my progress. So I wanted to validate my thoughts against an expert's thoughts.

As far as "dragging", I didn't. I said "I would love to have you go...you don't have to, but it might help me figure some things out". Even when the session started, I was apologizing for bringing in W by saying stuff like "ya...I probably just need individual therapy...afterall, I should be working on me". The C gave me crap about this by saying that my "issues" affect the marital system as a whole and that it is a really good thing to have her here.

Now, if this C acted like our last one, it would have been a different story. I would have been apologizing after the session instead scratching my head over the fact that my W wants to go back.

Secondly, (I didn't plan this) it's really nice to have a couple hours a week to get "deep". On the way home, I asked my W if I should get a vasectomy.

Did it really matter that she was there if PM tells ya to work on yourself first?

The C made an interesting point when she said that "I was maybe isolating myself too much in the process" of differentiation. What was really cool was that the C controlled the discussion to prevent us from wasting time. She asked the right questions and seemed to drill into the issues immediately.

Sometimes, I ask myself why I bother to even consider it... and other times, I think it's a good idea. Knowing how my W sees me really scared me, though. If she comes up with some BS that I don't have a quick answer for in front of the C, I'm screwed!!

It seems to be a part of "toolkit". PM is very good up to a point where you can't completely tackle your own issues on your own. That's what I've discovered. I could have gone to individual counseling for a year but not develop tools to help my understanding of my role in the marital system.

Regarding your concern over "quick thinking". You shouldn't worry about it unless you plan on lying. A good C won't put you in a place where you would hurt yourself. And if you say something wrong, the counselor will probably watching the non-verbals of your spouse and learn more about your spouse in the process. I saw this happen today...she was examining our non-verbals as the other person talked...very cool process. But the problem I see is this...you might get a crappy counselor who doesn't know how to do this. My last one was terrible and voyeuristic. She set me up to get in trouble after the session by asking me what I thought my W's issues were. I just didn't know what to look for in my first counselor. I'm not sure if I can offer any advice other than asking about their approach on the phone and asking what they think of Schnarch. I'd ask for someone who is "aggressive" and "no-b.s.". Today mine had some tough "boundary talk" with us regarding when we can call her etc. It was impressive. I think Cs who are on EAP/ managed healthcare plans are hit or miss and the ones who say "I don't work with insurance companies directly but will give you the paper work to file" are probably the best. IMHO.

BTW. This C is $125/hr. Ouch!!!! I did get approval to get 70% reimbursement from my insurance company though...so it's about $40 a session. I'll keep you folks updated. My next appointment is Mon and it's an individual session.