Thanks everyone for responding to my call yesterday and Friday. I see I even brought out some people who normally just keep quiet on this board. I'll update more tomorrow, but I did want to say that the problem with DD9 is perhaps bigger than I initially portrayed. When she is here, it is truly like my ex has entered the house...secret agent daughter. And her psychotic mom (yes, I obviously have a history of marrying women who are "special") encourages this, according to her brothers.
We did have a talk, and I wasn't portraying ex-W as a bad person to DD9, just that it is important to exercise discretion when talking to EACH parent about what is going on in the other parent's life. I used the "it's none of my business" line, and did some role playing, like asking DD9 if my ex and her sometimes-boyfriend were dating. I told her it's none of my business, and then used another example of something that went on at my house that was none of my ex's biz. I also said that each of us did have business knowing if anything abusive was going on at the other house, and did some more examples/roleplaying.
DD9 said she missed the "old" W, who used to be so relaxed and fun. And I reported this to W, who admitted as much.
A lot more happened but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Things are settling down, though.
You know the weekend has really sucked when you're glad to be back at work on Monday. It did improve, however, and now we're at a point where she's happy that I've taken some action, and I'm actually happier and feeling closer to my kids. The talk with DD9 lasted about an hour, and brought us a lot closer than we've been lately. She said that she was afraid that W would try to get custody of her and her brothers away from my ex. I told her that she wouldn't do that, that I wouldn't do that, and that as long as ex maintained her ability to take care of the kids, I would never want to do anything to the custody schedule. (Understand, also, that I would flip this around and also say that, if I was mentally or physically unable to take care of the kids, I would want ex to have full custody of them). A lot of other eye-openers this weekend. The DS's really resent the fact that DD9 is treated so very preferentially by their mom, know that she reports every little thing that goes on at our house, and is encouraged to do so by ex., and a host of other things.
I'm doing much better today, thank you. Thanks, in large part, to being able to come here and ready your messages. I'm not ready to take your advice and leave W. I may be ready to do it some day, but not today. I married her because, in large part, she is a wonderful person. She has her problems, but don't we all?
The subject of my birthday and ML did come up last night. I told her that she didn't have to give me anything but love, which I defined as anything from enthusiastic hugs and kisses to the obvious. She said she didn't know if she could give me ML, but that she would see. As Atl Dave says, I've told her my wants and needs, and now I'll shut up, until an issue comes up that, if I kept quiet about it, I'd be a sell-out.
HD, Glad to hear the talk with D9 went well! I think I was one of the few people who thought it was a good idea. I still say that your W should keep her yap shut and not give D9 or XW any ammo, but that is her battle to fight.
D9 needs to know her boundaries in terms of what is the proper way to act. If your XW is encouraging her to be a tattletale and 'spy' then she will not know that this is really rotten behavior unless someone else tells her. She will think that all moms want their kids to spy, etc, kwim!
I'm sure you handled it in a way that she knew that she was not expected to protect your W or sugarcoat what she does/says, but rather that being somebody's stooge and spying for them is no bueno. Too bad her mom is such a whackjob.
Thanks, HP...yes, I noticed that the tide was definitely against a talk with D9. I don't know if she ever really realized that being a spy for mom was a bad thing. But now she knows, and I'll just have to see if it works out.
Mojo - as for W checking around in the stores for ML, I don't care WHERE she finds it, just that she shares it with me.
I'll update more tomorrow, but I did want to say that the problem with DD9 is perhaps bigger than I initially portrayed. When she is here, it is truly like my ex has entered the house...secret agent daughter. And her psychotic mom (yes, I obviously have a history of marrying women who are "special") encourages this, according to her brothers.
It did improve, however, and now we're at a point where she's happy that I've taken some action, and I'm actually happier and feeling closer to my kids. The talk with DD9 lasted about an hour, and brought us a lot closer than we've been lately. She said that she was afraid that W would try to get custody of her and her brothers away from my ex. I told her that she wouldn't do that, that I wouldn't do that, and that as long as ex maintained her ability to take care of the kids, I would never want to do anything to the custody schedule. (Understand, also, that I would flip this around and also say that, if I was mentally or physically unable to take care of the kids, I would want ex to have full custody of them).