Thanks, Denise and Mojo. Now she's really playing dirty, fighting in front of the kids, belittling me in fromt of them, saying outright that she will make my life hell and give the kids lots of things to tell their mom about which could give her grounds to ask for full custody.
Can anyone say 'power play'? Can anyone say "totally inappropriate and immature"?
So, I HOM and she says I'm belittling her. She mocks me, says I look over the top of my glasses and talk to her like she is a child. Well, I look over the top of my glasses because they are reading glasses. I talk calmly to her, but, despite the fact that she is acting like a child, I am not talking to her as if she were one. She sees the HOM as something I do TO her to piss her off.
Yes, I am living with an alien.
She finally calmed down somewhat before she left to go to a baby shower 150 miles away. I must say, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her drive away. My son is so confused and worried.
My W's issue is that she hates this town, hates her job, hates living in the 'burbs, and, most of all (today at least) hates the fact that she "has no privacy." Every thing that she says in front of her stepkids, every thing that she does in front of her stepkids, etc., gets reported to their mom, my ex (with whom I am not emotionally involved, btw). This, of course, is a gross exaggeration. Yes, some stuff is "reported." My attitude is: I will not ask the kids to lie to their Mom. Instead, I just edit my speech and actions when they are around. Not that much "editing" is required. She's just pissed that this conversation she had with DS13 got reported to exW. She knows, in retrospect, that it was an inappropriate conversation, in which she was implying that it was possible that their mom could be lying about some things. I know that ex is most certainly lying about this particular issue (not important what that issue is), but this is not a case where "truth is a defense." This is something that the kids will figure out in time and have to deal with. They are not ready (even at age 13 or 15) to deal with it yet. It's not her "job" to "make" them deal with it. I told her this, and she knows she screwed up. But, in order for her to deflect blame and criticism about this, she is going into hysterics about her "privacy." Yes, she even told me that she was upset with DS13 for being a [sigh] "tattletale."
What is a solution for this? Well, she is putting me in a position where I have to choose either my 3 kids from prior marriage, or her and DD3. I will not fall for this. I think there are other solutions to this problem, although, if forced, I will pick my kids. I'll get some sort of custody or visitation of DD3. But her forcing me into picking one over the other is just a losing proposition for both of us.
In the interest of keeping this at least mildly relevant to the SSM board, she tried to bring up the sex issue last night, and I told her that we needed to focus on the issue at hand, and that bringing up that subject would just muddy the issues.
I apologize for the length of this rant. I am venting, big time. Do you think I should move myself to the divorce-busting boards? I want to, if possible, stay here, as I know y'all and trust your advice.
Hairy, Stay calm. Let her make an ass of herself. She is the one who has to live with the raving lunatic that she can sometimes be.
She knows that she is being ridiculous by talking to a 13 yo about their mother, as if the child doesn't have any loyalty to her. She intellectually knows all this--she is just frustrated and angry at the situation that she finds herself in. Someday when D3 is a teenager she will reflect back on how she treated her stepchildren and will be overcome with a deep sense of regret.
One thing I wanted to ask you: Does your W like children? She sure doesn't seem to have any empathy for your older ones and from the sounds of it, they could use it. I'm sure they are difficult to be around; what teen isn't. I'm pretty sure that everyone who came into contact with me from the age of 12-21 hated my guts. What else is new? Your kids didn't invent being an annoying smart-mouthed snot, after all.
I hope she calms down. Just keep steady and don't let her infect you with her crapola.
HP
P.S. I think reading glasses are extremely sexy. My mouth is watering just thinking of them.
Quote: Now she's really playing dirty, fighting in front of the kids, belittling me in fromt of them, saying outright that she will make my life hell and give the kids lots of things to tell their mom about which could give her grounds to ask for full custody.
Get out. That is my honest advice, but I am biased. The behavior you described in the above quote reminded me of one of the worst events in my adolescence. My mother is a totally immature (IMO) person who is subject to rants of rage due to her manic-depression. My parents were constantly fighting and at two points separated for a while and almost finalized their divorce. One day my mother was in a rage because she wasn't happy with how the divorce proceedings were progressing. My father came to the house and they had a big fight. My mother told my father that if he didn't give her everything she wanted in terms of custody and alimony, she was going to accuse him of sexually abusing his daughters (total lie). She yelled this at him in front of me. Luckily, I was 17 at the time and mature enough to not be emotionally damaged(this is why I've never mentioned it on the board. I was already HD and sexually active at the time, so it didn't affect my sexual personae). However, I will probably never really be able to forgive my mother for this incident and I have never understood why my father chose to stay with her after experiencing all sorts of horrible raging behavior from her like this. At the time of my father's death, my sisters and I were actually hoping that we would find some evidence in his effects that would prove that maybe he had some other woman in his life, because it made us sad to think that his only relationship was with our terrible mother.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thanks hp and mojo. She's already calming down...I knew she would.
I guess the trick (trick? probably not the right word) is to confront her about her irrational moods when she is calm and rational, perhaps a few days later.
My plan concerning the privacy issue is to talk to DD9, who is the most problematic about reporting back to her mom the goings-on over here. I also probably need to talk with ex about not encouraging DD9 to tell her what's going on over here, and, if possible to affirmatively discourage her from doing so. I don't know if it would work or not.
As far as tying this back into the sex issue, I suppose I can tell W that I am doing this for her in order to show my level of commitment to the R, but that I need her to continue toward what I need to see from her as her commitment to the R, which is ML to me at least 1x a week.
Quote: My plan concerning the privacy issue is to talk to DD9, who is the most problematic about reporting back to her mom the goings-on over here. I also probably need to talk with ex about not encouraging DD9 to tell her what's going on over here, and, if possible to affirmatively discourage her from doing so. I don't know if it would work or not.
I don't like it. You are involving a child in an adult problem. What is going on on your household in front of a 9 year old child that is too secret for her to tell her mother about. Forget about talking to your ex too. What possible motivation could she have for doing what you want? It is the responsibility of adults to behave with discretion around children because "little pitchers have big ears". How do you think your daughter is going to feel, if you basically inform her that she is contributing to your marital problems? If there is something that your wife is doing that she is embarrassed for your ex to learn about, then she just ought to stop doing things she isn't proud of, especially in front of the children.
I don't think the needs of another supposed adult in your life should be more important or even as important as those of your child and I don't think you should make her choose between indulging Mommy's immature curiousity or helping you keep the peace with your immature wife. I feel sorry for little Hansel and Gretel and I think someone should grow some big ones and shove someone right in the oven where she belongs and force her to take the heat that she deserves. Being LD is one thing, being mean to kids is another.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay, I was ranting a bit in my previous post. I guess it's just a moral/integrity issue with me. I would hold-up a 7-11 at gunpoint before I would interfere in the relationship between my H and his children, especially if they weren't mine. You need to follow your own moral compass. Good luck.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: My plan concerning the privacy issue is to talk to DD9, who is the most problematic about reporting back to her mom the goings-on over here. I also probably need to talk with ex about not encouraging DD9 to tell her what's going on over here, and, if possible to affirmatively discourage her from doing so. I don't know if it would work or not.
Hi hairdog,
De-lurking to say I don’t like it either. I have three stepkids, one of them a teenager, so I can sympathize with your wife up to a point. Teenagers are all twerps, and do I ever remember my own teenage years. It’s a miracle my mother didn’t kill me. Being a stepparent to one can be taxing. BUT , as MegaMojo already said, this isn’t the kids’ problem. I never, ever, EVER say one negative or even slightly grey word about their mother in their presence. What purpose would it serve? She’s their mother, for heavens sake. And they can say whatever they want to her about us – it is up to me to make sure that they don’t have anything negative to report. I’m not going to stifle their communications together by imposing any sort of “taboo”. It’s difficult enough for the kids to move continuously from one family to the other, from one parent to the other. Am I going to make it even harder for them? No way. We’re the adults in this scenario. Somebody has to be!
HD... I wish I had some answers/advice for you. I only wish that something positive comes from all the turmoil you're experiencing this weekend. You deserve to be happy. IHJ
I just had an interesting revelation as I was having dinner with our neighbors. We were talking about that Utah guy who killed his wife, and about a divorced couple where the H was manic-depressive, and a woman whose H was gay.
I'm starting be convinced that some people might just be pathologically "off" in some capacity. I talk a lot about how we should try to get back to the relationship we had when we decided to marry. Maybe one of us was "acting" back then but became more "real"...this is converse to everything in PM where we assume that we've sold ourselves out over time.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
"Do you think I should move myself to the divorce-busting boards?"
No way, keep it here, among friends.
"Every thing that she says in front of her stepkids, every thing that she does in front of her stepkids, etc., gets reported to their mom, my ex...."
Real easy solution here. She needs to watch what she says around your kids. What kind of adult bitches and fights and complains in the presence of children? That's crazy. Of course your kids will report to their mother. It's up to your wife (and you) to make sure they don't have anything ugly to say.
"Well, she is putting me in a position where I have to choose either my 3 kids from prior marriage, or her and DD3."
I hate to say this Hairdog, but reading your posts always makes me feel better about my own wife. I mean, my sex problems are just as bad as yours, but your problem seems so deep. I never feel my W doesn't love me, despite our troubles. But I wonder if you aren't just wasting time trying to make it work. I don't think Mrs. Hairdog wants it to work. Please note that I am wholly unqualified to offer marital advice to you or anyone else. But hey, you asked, so there it is!
"Now she's really playing dirty, fighting in front of the kids, belittling me in fromt of them, saying outright that she will make my life hell and give the kids lots of things to tell their mom about which could give her grounds to ask for full custody."
Would you act that way towards someone you loved?
"Yes, I am living with an alien."
Tough to argue with that.
- Paul, who is not a phychologist, does not play one on TV, and has never stayed at a Holiday Inn Express
