Yes, it's true. Hairdog got some action from W for the 2nd time this year. I showed up Friday night and we had a very nice dinner at a lakeside restaurant. I was on my own much of Saturday, as she had some classes to attend, and Saturday afternoon she was about to take a late afternoon nap when I started getting "randy." She said, "You shouldn't be doing that. You just had surgery." I told her, "Ah, but I got clearance from the doctor, and I'm doing much better." I could tell from the look on her face that she had thought she was "off the hook" this weekend due to my surgery. She rejected me that afternoon and evening, indicating that she was too tired.
But Sunday morning came, and I initiated by touching her, cuddling, etc., and she finally responded. The actual act didn't last that long, as expected, due to the sensory overload problem, but it was still enjoyable.
Sunday night she was in the kitchen and I said, "I love you," to her. She responded, "You're only saying that because you got sex this morning." Me: No, I'm saying that because I love you, as always, but as a matter fact, I do feel a closer emotional connection with you as a result of us making love this morning. W: Well, I just want to let you know that I don't feel the same connection as a result of sex, like you do.
This, of course, was a downer, but then I PM'd it this way: She ML to me, which is what I have been telling her I wanted in order to increase the EC. My EC with her is stronger. I should not expect her EC with me to increase as a result of sex, as she has told me as much many times. Her EC towards me increases as a result of me being attentive to her needs, listening to her, caring about her feelings, etc. I can only increase her EC with me by continuing to be a good guy, something I strive for every day. I can't be perfect (especially not according to her standards) but I can strive towards perfection.
All in all, I'd call it a success, even though it wasn't mind-blowing, heart-stopping love making. The longest journey begins with a single coitus, right?
Tell us where that lucky B&B is and we'll have it booked from now till next Spring! I know that there's just something about being home that often stresses out my W. Walls are still the wrong color paint and the basement always needs to be cleaned. She loves to travel; it's her job (a flight attendant). I love it, too, but we don't have a lot of romantic getaways. Once I said I'd like to accompany her on a trip she was working, and her response was, "But that's the only time I get to relax!" I'm glad to hear about your good news. Do you think there's a chance for you to schedule more time away, perhaps even without the classes? Oops, sorry, am I living vicariously through you?
Paul, who would take a weekend at a B&B two hours drive from home over a Paris hotel any day
Congratulations HD! The EC discussion you had with your W is interesting. Why don't you say this to her "I know that sex doesn't increase your EC to me, but since you know that having sex does increase my EC to you, I wonder why you don't want to please me more often. Wouldn't it make you feel good to give me the sex as a gift of love?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Wouldn't it make you feel good to give me the sex as a gift of love?"
I think she'd laugh in my face. I don't think this is the right approach, as she's not a big gift-giver. I think I just need to keep the gentle pressure on, and see what happens.
The deal is, during foreplay, she was OBVIOUSLY enjoying it. Why wouldn't you want that feeling more often than two or three times a year?
Quote: The deal is, during foreplay, she was OBVIOUSLY enjoying it. Why wouldn't you want that feeling more often than two or three times a year?
I like going to amusement parks and I really enjoy myself when I'm there, but I don't like going more than once or twice a year. I wonder if she thinks you're like Thunder Mountain or maybe the Blue Streak .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Why don't you say this to her "I know that sex doesn't increase your EC to me, but since you know that having sex does increase my EC to you, I wonder why you don't want to please me more often. Wouldn't it make you feel good to give me the sex as a gift of love?"
HD's spouse could retort "You know that I find the idea of having sex distasteful. If you really loved me, than you would quit badgering me to do sonething that I don't want to do."
Is this not a legitimate response? Maybe a better question for HD to pose is "You know that I have trouble getting close to you when we don't make love. Do you really want to be close to me? Because, you know, it's hard to be close to someone by yourself."
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
First of all, congratulations. I won’t even try to explain it. Like my W’s recent activity, it’s just one of those mysteries of nature. From everything you wrote, I can’t see anything different.
The sensory overload problem can be a real problem. The LD wife finally comes across, but since it’s been so long, things are over way too quickly. The LDW doesn’t get much out of it, so even if you make Herculean efforts to see to it that she DOES get “hers”, she’s still left with reinforcement that LM is something “for you”. Kind of sucks doesn’t it.
I am so glad your bnb trip worked out. Some LDs just need relaxing surroundings and no stresses to be able to respond.
In my case, romantic getaways present more pressure to become aroused which in turn causes arousal to become more elusive. It's as if arousal is a little imp that likes to play more hide than seek. I am hoping that reading and learning here will allow me to be able to catch that imp whenever I want to.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: She said, "You shouldn't be doing that. You just had surgery."
Resistance #1.
Quote: I could tell from the look on her face that she had thought she was "off the hook" this weekend due to my surgery.
Ahh, the dreaded "look on her face." Absolutely KILLS us HD'ers! Resistance #2.
Quote: She rejected me that afternoon and evening, indicating that she was too tired.
Resistance #3/Rejection
Quote: But Sunday morning came, and I initiated by touching her, cuddling, etc., and she finally responded.
By your using the word "finally," I'm assuming that Resistance #4 came across, at least initially.
Quote: W: Well, I just want to let you know that I don't feel the same connection as a result of sex, like you do.
Final downer.
I guess this is where I have had so many problems, and why I've finally given up, which I know isn't right, but I just HAVE. This scenario could have EASILY been me and my wife, and in fact we've had two very similar encounters on out-of-town trips, one of which was a B&B. I can't help but feel like IF I tell her in a conversation (or ten, or twelve) that sex is reallly, REALLY important to me...
... and IF I take her out of town, to get her away from the stresses -- real or imagined -- of her day-to-day life...
... and IF I initiate . . .
... and IF I hold onto myself thru her initial resistance, rejection, and that godawful, knife-right-thru-my-heart look on her face . . .
... I just MIGHT get to make love to my beautiful wife, the Only One I want to be with. And then, she'll make some comment afterwards.
If THIS is what it takes to maintain SOME kind of ML life, how is it worth it?
. 
