How I’m doing is: Unfortunately, I’m cranky as hell because, although I quit smoking 1 month ago today, now I am quitting the nicotine gum as well – and that has been 24 more hours of misery. It’s supposed to peak at 72 hours, though. Combined with historical events of this week, I’m not really a happy camper and thought I’d spare you my presence. BUT, hey! I have my improv class tonight, and last week it was really fun.
Update:
DXH (darlin' ex - jeez – what do I call him now? He’s not my H anymore) called me last Friday night at 8 pm to talk which was very unusual, as usually we communicate by email unless we're going to get together. He said his email was down, and he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to continue the conversation we'd started. He sounded emotional, and said he was even mad at me for apologizing, when "if we made a pie-chart of this, [he] would be at fault for 90% and me at 10%." He said my letter had really struck him, and also that I was really "looking within" and that he owed it to me to do more of the same. He said he was sorry he never shared that with me before, and that he didn't know that I blamed myself at all. He said many times, “Azure, you’re a good, good, good person.” I felt kind of teary and dumbstruck but thanked him for saying so. We sort of stumbled along talking in an emotional way, and then changed gears and went on to an enjoyable chat about various things. I wrote him briefly on Saturday that I was going to a Dio de los Muertes party and bringing pictures of my dad and his brother to put on the altar. He didn't write back til Super Tuesday, when we traded several emails about the election and how we couldn’t bear being on tenterhooks, and so on. At the end of his second email he said, "Thanks for our talk last Friday. I hope it was more helpful than annoying to you." To which I replied:
Thank YOU for calling to talk on Friday. It was very, very helpful to hear your new (to me) thoughts, and in person as opposed to email. It gave me relief from some painful tunnels my mind ran along. Am glad to put the new info in my processor... ********
Haven’t heard from him since Tuesday now, but it’s just as well, as I said, I’m a cranky mf, so I’m trying to keep my thoughts away from our sitch, as I think I will have skewed thoughts.
Jen was wondering what made him open up lately, and I can't say for sure. I know it was probably a big thing to take back the no-more-friendship statement (but as you point out, Wonder, maybe only after making that statement in the first place) and also remove the "banner" from my forehead. I don't know -- it also might have helped, as in H2H’s sitch, to stop fighting in my mind about whether he was wrong to leave, and just try to accept that he needed to leave, for whatever reason. Or maybe now that the D is final, he feels more relaxed to open up? I still have no idea what will happen... not sure what I want anymore.
