Azure, How are things going for you? It is so hard to know how to reply to your situation. I do think that the papers having been concluded, etc. have created new difficulties. Somehow, your h feels the pressure has lifted and is now coming forward to fill in the blanks.
He is actually drawing closer. At the same time, I think it is so important for you to move on and direct your attentions towards your future. I can feel that you are being pulled in two directions and I just wonder how you are seeing them. Are they opposite directions? Are they movements bringing you two together? Have you been simply gratified to finally have him confirming your sense of things?
None of the scenarios that these questions would relate to, would be easy for youto negotiate. But I do wonder how you are feeling these days and what you are using to connect the dots between what he never said before, is saying now and .....
One thing is for certain. You deserve to be first and foremost in some wonderful man's thoughts and fantasies. Even MORE importantly, you deserve to come first in your OWN life.
Azure, You know I really admire you for how you have handled your sitch. I am so happy to hear that you and H can talk again without the resentment. It seems you are making baby steps. You have been at this a long time. Hang in there and things will turn out eventually.
How I’m doing is: Unfortunately, I’m cranky as hell because, although I quit smoking 1 month ago today, now I am quitting the nicotine gum as well – and that has been 24 more hours of misery. It’s supposed to peak at 72 hours, though. Combined with historical events of this week, I’m not really a happy camper and thought I’d spare you my presence. BUT, hey! I have my improv class tonight, and last week it was really fun.
Update:
DXH (darlin' ex - jeez – what do I call him now? He’s not my H anymore) called me last Friday night at 8 pm to talk which was very unusual, as usually we communicate by email unless we're going to get together. He said his email was down, and he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to continue the conversation we'd started. He sounded emotional, and said he was even mad at me for apologizing, when "if we made a pie-chart of this, [he] would be at fault for 90% and me at 10%." He said my letter had really struck him, and also that I was really "looking within" and that he owed it to me to do more of the same. He said he was sorry he never shared that with me before, and that he didn't know that I blamed myself at all. He said many times, “Azure, you’re a good, good, good person.” I felt kind of teary and dumbstruck but thanked him for saying so. We sort of stumbled along talking in an emotional way, and then changed gears and went on to an enjoyable chat about various things. I wrote him briefly on Saturday that I was going to a Dio de los Muertes party and bringing pictures of my dad and his brother to put on the altar. He didn't write back til Super Tuesday, when we traded several emails about the election and how we couldn’t bear being on tenterhooks, and so on. At the end of his second email he said, "Thanks for our talk last Friday. I hope it was more helpful than annoying to you." To which I replied:
Thank YOU for calling to talk on Friday. It was very, very helpful to hear your new (to me) thoughts, and in person as opposed to email. It gave me relief from some painful tunnels my mind ran along. Am glad to put the new info in my processor... ********
Haven’t heard from him since Tuesday now, but it’s just as well, as I said, I’m a cranky mf, so I’m trying to keep my thoughts away from our sitch, as I think I will have skewed thoughts.
Jen was wondering what made him open up lately, and I can't say for sure. I know it was probably a big thing to take back the no-more-friendship statement (but as you point out, Wonder, maybe only after making that statement in the first place) and also remove the "banner" from my forehead. I don't know -- it also might have helped, as in H2H’s sitch, to stop fighting in my mind about whether he was wrong to leave, and just try to accept that he needed to leave, for whatever reason. Or maybe now that the D is final, he feels more relaxed to open up? I still have no idea what will happen... not sure what I want anymore.
Hey Azure~~~ Sorry to hear about the papers arriving, but glad you had a friend there with you.
I think your recent interactions with ex (or DXH as you say... )are interesting. As long as you can handle them emotionally I think it is fine to continue them. Maybe you will learn more that will help you grow and heal.
I had dinner with ex tonight (I actually posted on my thread...can you believe?? ) and I said something to him like "some things are only meant to last for so long. I think that is the case for you and me". If you really believe that (and I do now...), I think it makes the other person more willing to be around you because it lessens the guilt....... Just my two cents.
HUGS to you!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Keep going with the cold turkey, Azure---you can do it, I know it! Congrats on the whole month, btw.
I think your comment about accepting that he "needed" to move on regardless of right or wrong (this is really dropping the rope, isn't it) is apt for a lot of us. I'm not there yet, hard as I try. I'm glad it's having a good result for you, though---mostly for you, but also in H opening up in helpful ways.
Azure, Tell me. Does it take some stress off after the D is final? I'm not asking if it is a better place to be. I'm asking if it takes some stress off.
Good luck with saying goodbye to the old N habit. I hope you make it. What are you going to do with all the money you will be saving? After a while, your lungs will be nice and pink again. Way to go!!
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Azure, a big KUDOS on stopping smoking! Great for you (and your health)!
And as I read GBO's post, I thought at first she was talking "cold turkey" on your H. In a way, you are going cold turkey - dropping the rope is just that. I do sincerely hope that he continues to open up to you, as you've made a safe place for him to do so.
)are interesting. As long as you can handle them emotionally I think it is fine to continue them. Maybe you will learn more that will help you grow and heal. 
) and I said something to him like "some things are only meant to last for so long. I think that is the case for you and me". If you really believe that (and I do now...), I think it makes the other person more willing to be around you because it lessens the guilt....... Just my two cents. 