Azure, Maybe it would be easier for you if H didn't show any caring about you while having moved ahead with his GF. I have found it easier to deal with our R problems when I could point my finger at my W and say "Look what she is doing to me!" You are number one, Azure. Take care of yourself first. Don't worry about H. He seems to be taking care of himself just fine. It's time to let your feelings out. It almost seems to me that you might find help with a C. What do you think? Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Ron, not to worry, hon. I am the original "I'm having a feeling" person. I take my own emotional temperature (and those of others around me) pretty often. My best friend and I joke that we can usally give you a readout of our emotional cocktails, so to speak, at any given moment. As in, "I am presently feeling: one part sadness, one part free-floating anxiety, and two parts sassy trouble-making." OK, so tonight after a two parts heartbreak / one part anger / one part frustration evening, I am now feeling: one part sadness, one part anger, one part calm, one part happy with myself (that I knocked myself out of my usual emotional reactivity -- following the mighty H2H's example).
Wait, here are my icons at present: How's that?
But you are right, it might be easier in some ways if H didn't mix in his caring for me with the other stuff. I don't know. I'll have to think on this and get back to you.
I have seen a C at three different points in my life, the most recent one for six months after the bomb.
Anyway, thanks all so much for your compassion and support. My letter to H was pretty honest. What he said did trigger a very painful round of feelings and flashbacks. I did head down a bad road for many hours, and then I suddenly thought, "OK, why am I creating all this drama? Nothing's any different than it was yesterday..."
I had dinner last night with Maya and GBO, and they noted that H is starting to seem a little more self-examining lately. OK< I've GOT to go to bed, it's been a loooooong day.
Good night Azure, I'm wishing you a good weekend. Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I don't have much to report on my post, but I couldn't resist checking yours while I was passing by my old stomping grounds!
IMHO, your H still cares about your feelings. I am surprised at how honest his email to you was! I think you were just as honest in your response ~ good for you!
I still VIVIDLY remember the day I found out ex had a GF. It was well past the D being final, and I know she didn't "break up our M" but it still hurt. I am now so detached that it no longer hurts when I hear stories about him and the GF. He doesn't really talk about her to me but is still trying to "be friends" with me in an odd way.
I am with you....how much contact and how much friendship is appropriate at this point?? I guess time will tell!
You sound good, dear Azure. I am not here much, but feel free to email me at MsSunseeker@aol.com!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Just journaling. It is raining like mad and I'm feeling kind of down. I know it's an ASSumption, but I strongly suspect H is living with his girlfriend, hence the mention of the presence of her things in the apartment, and the "elephant in the living room", it's probably his way of feeling out how much of his "opennes and honesty" I can take. You know, that in order to have this friendship with me that he seems to want, he wants to be able to tell me about all that's going on in his life. That definitely is a blow. I just don't know where to go from here. He wrote another apology to me, and has still been keeping in touch, backed away on mentioning the GF any further. He said he still would like to have lunch or dinner with me sometime soon to "talk about some things," but I don't know if I feel strong enough to hear about his R. Is that what he wants to talk to me about? He seems to want my endorsement of his new life. On the other hand, he does seem to be doing some thinking about his contribution to things, comparing himself to the main character in Crime and Punishment and talking about he "killed our marriage," and admitting for the first time that his drinking and my weight gain were problems in our M. He was very appreciative of me talking to MIL about BIL's suicide and her thoughts on that (although, truth be told, I kind of felt like he should acknowledge me as the kind of person that his mother would feel more comfortable talking about deep inner feelings with, rather than him).
I just don't know whether to keep pursuing this "friendship" or whether to go really dark on him (but as I was telling H2H earlier, I can't help realizing that that feels like a last-chance technique to see what happens. What if he says, "Sure, I understand why you can't be friends right now. I'm sad, but it's ok." But maybe that would be better for me in the long run? Is it time to stop putting emotional energy Or should I be trying some of KML/Ellie's saucy suggestions? Just feeling sad and kind of defeated today. Maybe because it's so dark and rainy and there all these troubling family issues going on back home. Meanwhile, every day I expect those D papers to arrive in the mail.
Sorry to sound so down today. There are some really good things to look forward to later this week, so my mojo will probably turn around.
GBO and I went to a salsa bar on Sunday, and we both got nice "hits" from a couple of good-lookin' fellows!
I don't know if I will regret this, but I just sent H a letter saying: Hi H, I know you mean well, but I just don't think I can be friends with you right now. I hope you understand. -- Azure
Now I can't stop crying. But I just can't stand this limbo any more.
SO hard to respond to the latest information beyond telling you that you can count me in for either shoulder and/or other ways of friendship and support.
I am reluctant to comment in any way that might either bring up false hope or draw you back into thinking that he is coming around...and I also cannot say for sure what any of his messages mean.
But moving towards self is ALWAYS a good thing to do since that is truly the direction all of us must travel.
Azure, So you let go of the end of the rope and it feels like the rope has just pulled away from you and there is no way to take hold of it? You must really feel down. I truely am sorry that you have to go through this. You have really taken an emotional beating these last couple of months.
I went through a really bad time last year when W started up with OM. I felt like I had been ridden over by a truck. I had invested 28 years in our M and my W didn't even seem to care. I wasn't just hurt and sad. I was angry! I told her make up your mind. It is either him or me and she could see in my face that she had to decide right then. I got her back, but it wasn't the same as before. I finally got so unhappy I asked her for a D. It wasn't until then that she started treating me better.
What I am trying to say here is that sometimes he have to stick up for ourselves. Sometimes we have to take big chances. That is probably one of the only ways our sitchs are the same. I do think I know a little of how you feel. Big HUG!
I hope something good happens in your R. I guess if you go dark now, you will find out something about your H. Either he will reach out to you or not. I feel you need to give him a little time now to see what he does.
Gather your friends around you now, Azure. Don't stay home alone. That could make you depressed. Plan something fun with friends. You really do need that right now.
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I guess time will tell!