Just journaling. It is raining like mad and I'm feeling kind of down. I know it's an ASSumption, but I strongly suspect H is living with his girlfriend, hence the mention of the presence of her things in the apartment, and the "elephant in the living room", it's probably his way of feeling out how much of his "opennes and honesty" I can take. You know, that in order to have this friendship with me that he seems to want, he wants to be able to tell me about all that's going on in his life. That definitely is a blow. I just don't know where to go from here. He wrote another apology to me, and has still been keeping in touch, backed away on mentioning the GF any further. He said he still would like to have lunch or dinner with me sometime soon to "talk about some things," but I don't know if I feel strong enough to hear about his R. Is that what he wants to talk to me about? He seems to want my endorsement of his new life. On the other hand, he does seem to be doing some thinking about his contribution to things, comparing himself to the main character in Crime and Punishment and talking about he "killed our marriage," and admitting for the first time that his drinking and my weight gain were problems in our M. He was very appreciative of me talking to MIL about BIL's suicide and her thoughts on that (although, truth be told, I kind of felt like he should acknowledge me as the kind of person that his mother would feel more comfortable talking about deep inner feelings with, rather than him).

I just don't know whether to keep pursuing this "friendship" or whether to go really dark on him (but as I was telling H2H earlier, I can't help realizing that that feels like a last-chance technique to see what happens. What if he says, "Sure, I understand why you can't be friends right now. I'm sad, but it's ok." But maybe that would be better for me in the long run? Is it time to stop putting emotional energy Or should I be trying some of KML/Ellie's saucy suggestions? Just feeling sad and kind of defeated today. Maybe because it's so dark and rainy and there all these troubling family issues going on back home. Meanwhile, every day I expect those D papers to arrive in the mail.

Sorry to sound so down today. There are some really good things to look forward to later this week, so my mojo will probably turn around.

GBO and I went to a salsa bar on Sunday, and we both got nice "hits" from a couple of good-lookin' fellows!