Piecing SOMETHING - Not sure what! Part 3

[trustinginHim]

Hi Azure,

I just wanted to let you know that I share your exact same feelings today, this week, this month:

This week, a big gray cloud seemed to descend over everything. Not really depression, just extremely BLAH. I felt bored and impatient with my life and inwardly irritable, also distressed and frustrated about some things going on in my and other loved ones lives. I think all of this settled in due to facing the reality that H is really gone. Ugh, what a hard concept to assimilate. And then I was casting a critical eye on my life and saying, "What's in it now?" Of course, there's a lot in it now, but when you compare your dreams (my R with H) to the reality, reality can lose its luster.

My big gray cloud settled over me probably within the past month. And I have this cloud over me even though my H is home. I have not been really sure of why I have felt this way and was beginning to believe I had something along the lines of a defeatist attitude, because regarding my circumstances, I should be estatically happy if my H is home and the worst of it is behind us, right? Well, your next words were very important for me to read:

And I remembered reading a book back then that talked about how this blah, flat stage is kind of actually a good thing. It's finally saying goodbye to the old life, and preparing to allow in things for the new life. It’s the end of the drama of day-by-day emotional struggle to recover. At that time, I had to take it on faith, but it turned out to be true. During that dull, irritable, frustrated, sad stage, it turned out there was movement after all. The storm before the calm, as it were. When I remembered that this week, that this is actually a sign of progress, I started to turn around.

Even with my H home, it is still a day-to-day struggle. Definitely not the drama that my life was before we reconciled, but it is still a struggle for me. I am glad to read that these feelings are a sign of progress. I can't say that knowing that, my feelings have turned yet, but it lifts my spirit to know that it will come soon.

Thank you for just journaling. I really needed to read your words so that I can apply them to my own struggle today.

I am sending my best wishes regarding your sweet dog. I have two very ancient horses (34 years and 28 years) from my childhood and their time may be near also. I am not looking forward to it, but I do understand it is inevitable, so I am trying to prepare.

Hugs to you,
LG