I realized after posting this on Julies page that I hsould start my own post to avoid hijacking hers...here goes.
Yesterday I had a very enlightening conversation with my LDH's counselor. The C game me advice that parallels some suggestions I've seen on this board as well. The conversation that led up to the advice (a background for you) had to do with the fact that my H is ultimately in control of whether we ML...I can request it, I can initiate it...but ultimately it's up to him if he participates...or I'm off to my own devices.
My H's counselor suggested that perhaps he is withholding the physical/emotional part of himself (possibly unintentionally) because he knows (I've expressed this time and time again) that this is something I require in our marriage, it's part of my "ideal" of marriage if you will. So basically he's in control of whether I receive what I require from him itemotionally/phsyically as my husband...a control issue. The counselor asked me to turn the tables and think about what I'm in control of (in my h's mind not my own mind...which really took some thinking on my part) that perhaps I may not be fullfilling in his eyes in my role as his wife (ideal wife or not)...keep in mind I'm having to guess at what this may be...my husband wouldn't tell me...I know, I've asked before. Anyway...the only thing I could possibly think of is to keep the house cleaner and the laundry done (not an easy task with a one year old at home and working full time to boot!).
Now my H's counselor was trying to keep confidentiality so he couldn't tell me directly the things my H had brought up specifically but he did elude to the fact that my H had brought up a similar issue with me on this front before (although he's never voiced anything to me directly, anytime I've asked he tells me everything's hunky dory). It's very possible my H doesn't think I'm meeting his needs in some ways as a wife because I'm not meeting his expectations in the household area (no matter how ridiculous those expectations may seem to me, they are still his expectations...even if he won't communicate them to me.)
Now don't get me wrong here...our house isn't a pig pen or anything near that...but it does get cluttered. His C suggested I make an extra effort to keep the dishes constantly done, the house picked up, dusted, laundry to a minimum, do the dishes he leaves behind etc. I'm sitting there thinking...Oh Great! More work for me and he's off the hook again! In my mind I'm thinking...he's a grown man, he can pick up after himself...I've got enough to do!!! Natural reaction right? Of course! His C assured me though that over time he will probably become more willing to pitch in and help as he sees me doing this on a regular basis. At least I would have the "power" (as his C put it) to ask him to do simple things (i.e. put his dishes in the dishwasher instead of piling them up...stuff like that)...to make life easier for me.
Here's the deal though...once I stopped fuming over the extra work for me, I realized the C may be right. So I used the frustration to get me going while I cleaned the house...making it look great...even with my little "Bugger Butt" (my son) toddling around trying to hang on to me. I did manage to get everything but the laundry done and was exhausted by the time I fell into bed around 11:30pm....my husband arrived home around midnight (he's working the afternoon shift right now) so I was asleep when he got home from work.
This morning he was in a great mood, he even got out of bed while I was getting ready (this is normally when he's sleeping/snoring the hardest) and mentioned (without prompting) how great the house looked....he was in a very good mood and if I hadn't had to get to work I think we may have fooled around a bit. On top of that he told me that if I would separate the laundry the way I like that he'd make sure he got a load in before he left for work...is this a possible give and take going on?
Could it really be that simple? Could it really be that there is something menial I'm not doing that he perhaps subconciously views as my duty and because I'm not doing these things he thinks I'm not meeting his needs and therefore withholds from me? I'm not sure yet, the jury's still out on this...but I'm going to suck it up and do a lot of the household stuff I think he should be able to do for himself and see if it makes a difference. If it does, it's worth it...perhaps he just doesn't feel taken care of. He may be one of those people who needs to have things like this done for him to feel taken care of...whereas I need his emotional support and physical affection.
Perhaps that is the key.
If this approach is successful for me I'll definitely let you all know. Ok...I'm ready guys...let me have it...tell me how screwed up I am now LOL. I'm a big girl, I can take it!
