I don't want to speak with her while she is away. She has called several times and we have exchanged emails, but I don't really have any enthusiasm for contacting her. I feel I have nothing to say. Not sure why I feel this way. I guess that I am just frustrated with the lack of closeness in our marriage, and it is eating away at me. It seems that she is content with falling back into our old relationship pattern. I feel like I would rather just be alone and get used to being single again while she is away. I miss her sometimes, but sometimes I don't and that makes me feel guilty and sad.
I feel as if she is just going through the motions of maintaining this relationship and it's not enough for me any longer. I don't want to be married to someone that I cannot be intimate with in any meaningful way.
My lack of enthusiasm during her phone calls seems to be bothering her some, but she has not confronted me directly. Instead we are having only polite small talk on the phone and that's it. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say and that I am boring her with the details of work and home while she is gone. I have kept plenty busy with social engagements this week and I feel good about my progress in rebuilding a life for myself outside of our marriage. I don't know what I am expecting, but I feel sad each time I hang up the phone. I find myself dreading each phone call.
I quoted a big chunk of your post because I think what you wrote here is what you should tell her. It is honest, clear, and it is about you and how you feel about her. Using small talk is a way of pretending that you are talking when you really are not.
What you wrote is so good, maybe you should print it out and highlight it so that you don't leave anything out when you get on the phone. I know you don't want to alienate her with the painful crap, but I don't think you can go forward if your not honest.
Regards,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
