When this journey into gridlock reached it's critical point, one of the first things I suspected was a depression issue. I purchased two books on the subject and the situation seemed to fit the bill with the exception of two things: 1) My wife is not 'mean' towards me like many depressed spouses are. She simply becomes frustratingly distant from me. & 2) She doesn't sleep all day or not sleep, or cry too often, or fail to keep up her personal appearance or anything like that. She often appears frustrated however, and often expresses dipleasure with many aspects of her life.
I pushed her to go to a counselor. Her counselor told her that she did not seem to be depressed and reaffirmed her belief that the primary source of unhapiness in her life was in fact our relationship.
W told me on last week that she plans to discontinue couseling after her third session was completed. She feels that it only serves to make her more confused and upset.
W has now left for a two week business trip. Leading up to her departure, we spent three days together for various preplanned social engagements. During this time, we were friendly towards one another and she expressed her displeasure with having to leave for her trip on several occasions. We did not ML in the days prior to her leaving and that made me feel upset and lonely. I did not express this to her, as I am trying to be supportive and positive around her at all times. SHe did tell me several times that she loves me and that she would miss me.
Here is the problem now:
I don't want to speak with her while she is away. She has called several times and we have exchanged emails, but I don't really have any enthusiasm for contacting her. I feel I have nothing to say. Not sure why I feel this way. I guess that I am just frustrated with the lack of closeness in our marriage, and it is eating away at me. It seems that she is content with falling back into our old relationship pattern. I feel like I would rather just be alone and get used to being single again while she is away. I miss her sometimes, but sometimes I don't and that makes me feel guilty and sad.
I feel as if she is just going through the motions of maintaining this relationship and it's not enough for me any longer. I don't want to be married to someone that I cannot be intimate with in any meaningful way.
My lack of enthusiasm during her phone calls seems to be bothering her some, but she has not confronted me directly. Instead we are having only polite small talk on the phone and that's it. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say and that I am boring her with the details of work and home while she is gone. I have kept plenty busy with social engagements this week and I feel good about my progress in rebuilding a life for myself outside of our marriage. I don't know what I am expecting, but I feel sad each time I hang up the phone. I find myself dreading each phone call.
Part of me is just waiting for her to drop another bomb on me about her unhappiness with our marriage.
Am I handling this correctly? Is it time to force the issue, or should I keep on trying to just be her friend? Why do I feel like I am the one with the problem now?
If I may jump in here. I don't think your wife is bipolar. I think your wife is going through 'growing pains,' and she is in serious 'avoidance' behavior.
Growing pains meaning that she is now married, has a job, etc., and she is no longer a happy-go-lucky kid. The stakes are high now. Her drinking, avoidance of you, flirty behavior with co-workers, all indicate to me that she is having a very difficult time acknowledging and taking responsibility for her actions. And I really, REALLY think she needs to find a new counselor. That advice, if true, is completely bogus, and I cannot imagine any counselor worth their salt delivering such statements. I'd say there is a lot left out in what she is telling you.
As for her being lost and confused... that could mean that there are things the counselor is saying to her that are forcing her to deal with very uncomfortable and painful feelings. Rather than deal with the pain and truly examine the source, she is 'avoiding' it. Just so you know, depression is anger without enthusiasm. Meaning, that anger is being directed at her self, not at you. Sounds to me like your wife as some very deep and serious personal worth issues. Unfortunately for you, you cannot fix them.
There is not a damn thing you can do to make her confront her painful past issues. Even if she had a story book life growing up, everyone, EVERYONE has issues. She sounds like a perfectionist, one who has an ideal fantasy about how the world should be, how love should feel, etc., etc., and none of it is living up to that ideal. And since it doesn't, then that must mean she isn't 'in love' with you. The woman has no idea what 'real' love is, and unless she is willing to explore it, grow up (and I say that genuinely, not sarcastically), and become accountable for her own life and actions, she is going to lose YOU.
Were I you, I'd get yourself into counseling, because whatever it is you are doing is enabling her to continue to ignore her problems. The only way you will get your wife to change is to change yourself enough that is will force her to change or leave you. It sounds like she is a smart woman... trust in your marriage enough that she can rise to the challenge. Because if you don't your marriage is going to wither away. That sounds paradoxal, I know. But trust me on this one.
Her telling you you are perfect is a two-fold cop-out. First, she doesn't have to inspect her feelings, and two, it holds you hostage because you have no clue in what direction to move. You are not perfect, no one is. Get yourself to counseling, and do it pronto.
I don't want to speak with her while she is away. She has called several times and we have exchanged emails, but I don't really have any enthusiasm for contacting her. I feel I have nothing to say. Not sure why I feel this way. I guess that I am just frustrated with the lack of closeness in our marriage, and it is eating away at me. It seems that she is content with falling back into our old relationship pattern. I feel like I would rather just be alone and get used to being single again while she is away. I miss her sometimes, but sometimes I don't and that makes me feel guilty and sad.
I feel as if she is just going through the motions of maintaining this relationship and it's not enough for me any longer. I don't want to be married to someone that I cannot be intimate with in any meaningful way.
My lack of enthusiasm during her phone calls seems to be bothering her some, but she has not confronted me directly. Instead we are having only polite small talk on the phone and that's it. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say and that I am boring her with the details of work and home while she is gone. I have kept plenty busy with social engagements this week and I feel good about my progress in rebuilding a life for myself outside of our marriage. I don't know what I am expecting, but I feel sad each time I hang up the phone. I find myself dreading each phone call.
I quoted a big chunk of your post because I think what you wrote here is what you should tell her. It is honest, clear, and it is about you and how you feel about her. Using small talk is a way of pretending that you are talking when you really are not.
What you wrote is so good, maybe you should print it out and highlight it so that you don't leave anything out when you get on the phone. I know you don't want to alienate her with the painful crap, but I don't think you can go forward if your not honest.
Regards,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
What you wrote is so good, maybe you should print it out and highlight it so that you don't leave anything out when you get on the phone. I know you don't want to alienate her with the painful crap, but I don't think you can go forward if your not honest.
Regards,
SM
You're probably right but.........I'm afraid.
Wow. Just typing that makes me think about some things. What am I afraid of? Losing my best friend forever. A beautiful, wonderful person that I love more than anyone on the planet. But a person that may not have the 'stuff' it takes to love me back.
I suppose I'll never find out until I take that step.
That fear is something we all face - at least when we decide to embark on this path. I too am deathly afraid of saying these things to my W. I'm working around the edges of it, but I don't have a big enough pair to say what I really want to say.
What I’ve started to ask myself is just what it is that I’m so afraid of. My first response was exactly what you said - losing my best friend forever, a beautiful, wonderful person that I love more than anyone on the planet - but that was dishonest. I know that my W won't leave me just because I want greater intimacy and more frequent LM. No, what I'm really afraid of is finding out that she can't/won't change. Through twelve yeas of totally sexless M, followed by another sixteen of nearly sexless M, I’ve lived on the hope and the dream that it would get better, that my W would have some kind of breakthrough and discover the sensuous woman buried somewhere within her. My real fear is losing that hope and being forced to give up the dream. My real fear is learning that it will never get better.
Realizing that has helped a little. I’m still afraid. I still haven’t managed to really lay it on the line and disclose how I’ve felt for all of these years. But I have begun to see things differently. I have started bringing the subject up with her. I have a long way to go with myself, whether or not the sex and intimacy ever get any better, but realizing that my real fear was giving up something as illusory as a hope that things would change has helped me. My actions haven’t followed yet, but my mind is now much more focused on reality and on the here and now as opposed to the dream. It’s slow, but I’m getting there.
Ohh the fear, the fear... it is all too real. My personal C said that I'm afraid of my W, and I tend to believe that. No amount of EC is going to kill off that fear either. I know I'll always have it. I worry about my W not being able to or wanting to change. Sometimes, I laugh and sometimes I cry. It's not easy.
I shared these feelings with my W on the phone this morning and I received a surprisingly positive response.
I didn't really get the courage up myself, I must admit. My W basically confronted me on the issue by claiming that I was acting "weird" when she called and that I was not calling her at all. She wanted to know what is going on. That's when the dam broke and I dropped it all on her in a calm polite way.
She told me that she is glad that I am finally beginning to take my own feelings into account in this relationship. She was glad that I finally had the courage to admit what she already suspected. She understands my feelings and she feels that they are reasonable. She assured me that she does not initiate phone calls out of obligation, but because she misses me and is having positive feelings about me and the importance of our marriage to her.
Feeling brave, I went on to tell her what I feel my needs are (for affection and true intimacy) how I would like her to address these needs. I asked her to disclose her needs to me so I could try and be more considerate of them.
She said she is not sure that she is capable of the type of affection that I am looking for. She is worried, like I am, that she is not capable of real intimacy. She is not sure that she even wants it right now.
I told her that I cannot control her desire to be married and that I will no longer try to convince her that this is what she wants. I told her that the only thing I could do was to share my desire for greater intimacy and the feelings that I am harboring because I'm not getting it.
Did I do the right thing? I know I feel better today.
I think you did great. That's all you can do right now, just disclose your wants, and let her actions from here on dictate what your next step is. She's a big girl, and now she has the knowledge to make informed choices about her next moves.
Hairdog - who salutes hopefulhub for his courage in the face of the possible wrath of W. You win the medal today!
