Quote: 1. Read PM (Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch) 2. Work on on your anxiety by any means necessary. It seems scary and unsolvable now but have faith that you can have results. 3. Don't worry about what she is thinking, or feeling...just focus on your own feelings about her behavior. ie. don't take responsibility for her moods, actions or feelings. Just focus on what YOU want and how you want to be treated. In a month or so, you will start taking a series of "stands" which will break the gridlock. Why so long? It will take a while to rewire your brain so that your thinking is "instinctive". This "rewire" is the real 180.
1. Done 2. Was doing well until last night. 3. I'm inching closer to the differentiated mindset. I responded outwardly to last night's failed attempt at initiating sex in a calm, pleasant, yet slightly distanced way. Inside I was fuming, but I knew that those thoughts were undifferentiated, so I resisted them. Today I am receiving a surprising amount of affirmation from my S. I like it, but am I being manipulated?
Next step is a less passive approach, correct? "These are my needs...."
Good question. I've seen this pattern too and I'm not sure so I give her the benefit of the doubt and choose to be hopeful that it is a good sign.
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Next step is a less passive approach, correct? "These are my needs...."
Next step is to repeat those 3 things...just kidding. Actually you are right. Just be careful to use the word "need" right now...I found that it gets misinterpreted. For about 2 months, I would only use the word "want" and I had to keep telling myself that I didn't "need" anything. It's a good exercise. The only time I said "need" was when I truly learned to feel my EC drop after a few days of no sex...so I said to my W "I need to ML with you, my enthusiastic partner, every few days to sustain my EC to you." This began the longest, drawn out convo as she tried to understand this idea better.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Dave, I wanted to also apologize to you for not 'getting' what you were saying the other day about the EC and your new outlook on it. Today I posted an almost identical post to the one you wrote from a few weeks ago, noting that you have a hard time keeping the EC in the absence of sex. I replied that the EC is not a problem for us, blah blah.
You know, it is a subtle difference in our situations..from how you were describing it but I wasn't seeing that the core issue is the same.
I just read your post, and I can totally relate to your situation as a HDW. Your W sounds just like my H. I know how frustrated you are, and I feel for you. I have just finished SSM, and I am trying techniques from the book. I just started them this week. So far, no LM, but I am not giving up.
I need the EC as well and ML gives that to me. My H is just the opposite. He needs the EC first and then the LM. However, getting EC to him could take months, and in the past, I had trouble spending months because I would become resentful and very impatient. Right now, I am focusing on helping him to relax more.
About her going out and drinking, that really concerns me. People usually drink to numb themselves to things. What is she trying to numb? Have she ever indicated that there has been any sexual abuse in her life? Just wondering. I wish you the best of luck. You have been very patient. I have been married for 20 years, and I love the relationship with my husband other than the frequency of our LM.
Wow! You need the EC, and she doesn't even like to be touched. That's tough! Have the two of you ever been to counseling together? It sounds like it is urgently needed.
Hang in there, and keep us posted. We are there with you!
I don't believe that my S has ever had an EC to another person. Ever. That's what I am most concerned about. I MUST have it in order to remain in this relationship (and I think SHE must have it too, or why stay married?), but can someone like her make it happen at 30 years old?
The drinking isn't getting any better. You see, my wife is the type that can't sit still. If she is sitting still, she is depressed. She flutters around 20 hours a day like a moth near a street light. Right now she doesn't have enough to keep her busy, so the R is feeling the pressure. It's as if she looks to me for constant entertainment and stimulation. I can be a fun guy, but there's no way I can give her what she is asking for in terms of new & exciting activities 7 days a week. It's costing me a small fortune just to keep her happy on the weekends. So she drinks, I believe to calm the depression that even an hour of "downtime" brings her. Both the drinking and the inability to relax with oneself point towards some larger issue, but I really don't know what it is. I do know that all of the women in her family are the exact same way.
As for an update, she has been out drinking the last 3 nights. Last night I tagged along out of curiosity. She got drunk and loud. Told everyone at the table that she thinks she's developing a drinking problem ha ha ha. I wasn't impressed, but I hung in there and didn't let it bother me.
When we got home she told me that she had skipped her therapy yesterday (for the second time in 3 weeks) and that she would not be going back for any more therapy.
Her 30th birthday is approaching, so I am giving her a ton of slack on the drinking and moping. Soon after, I plan to start pressing the issue in a calm, but persistent way until it gets resolved one way or another.
I'm interested (in an intellectually curious sort of way)in what my wife's hangup is regarding intimacy. But don't worry about fixing it for her any longer. The time is fast approaching for her to make an effort to meet my needs, or tell me that she will not or cannot.
Have you considered that she might be manic-depressive? Her behavior sounds a lot like the behavior of my manic-depressive mother, if you substitute shopping for drinking. Manic-depressives are frequently very resistant to therapy, because while they are in the initial upswing of a manic episode they feel extremely happy and full of energy and happy with themselves to the point of becoming braggarts. How would she react if you tried to stop her hyper behavior. Would she become irrationally angry? If so, that is another sign.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have definitely considered this. In fact, my mother recently attended a woman's health conference which included a speaker that discussed manic depressive disorder. She called me immediately afterwards and politely suggested that the speaker was describing behaviors very similar to that of my W.
BTW, my W shops, cleans, talks on the phone, and does other activities excessively. I believe she does these things in order to keep her mind occupied at all times.
She is never a braggart however. Her self esteem is very low and she is often overly hard on herself regarding her intelligence, appearance, and behavior. Those feelings are a constant with her. I wish that she would take more pride in herself, because she has a lot going for her in certain areas.
When I occassionally point out to her that she is spending, drinking, or speaking on the phone excessively she becomes very irritated and mean. One month I got a cell phone bill for $250.00! She cannot drive anywhere in a car without calling everyone she knows.
I agree with some of the others on here...it does sound that at the minimum she may have a chemical imbalance goin on of some type whether it's manic depression or not it could be something else along those lines. Has she ever been tested? If not you might see if she'd be willing...so many of those things can helped very easily today.
I have to jump on the bandwagon on this one. From what you have written, she is bipolar looking for a place to happen.
Please get her some psychiatric help. Be as loving, gentle and kind toward her as you possibly can, but be firm on getting her evaluated. There are some drugs that can really help that won't make her a 'zombie'. Please do it before she goes off hypersexual or acts in some other harmful way.
DO NOT let anyone put her on antidepressants until she has been evaluated!
DO NOT let anyone put her on antidepressants until she has been evaluated!
She doesn't have to suffer this way. Neither do you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
My sister who is a minor manic finds that fish oil capsules are quite helpful. However, you have to take quite a few to get the calming effect. They work well for garden variety anxiety as well.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
