Thank you for the replies. This message board has been a great help to me over the last couple of months. In response to some of your thoughts:
Quote: This is about way more than sex. It is about whether two people can really be close to one another. Your wife seems to be doing what she can to sabotage your marriage. Maybe having a new voice validate her gives her a thrill that she can't get from you anymore. When you tell her you like how she looks in that dress (you do tell her that, don't you?) she may not believe it anymore. After all, your married, and you are supposed to say stuff like that.
SolidMechanic you seem to know exactly what's going on. I have always been very complimentary and affirming to my wife. I have told her each day for six years that I love her and that she is beautiful. I buy her gifts and often cancel other plans to spend time with her. I try and give her everything that she wants both materially and as a companion. I have stopped doing this now, but I fear that someone else will step in and do it for me if I continue to withhold from her.
Quote: Why was she at happy hour without you?
Yes. Always. We work 30 minutes in opposite directions from our home, so it is difficult for me to attend. Her drinking and partying (with or without me there) has increased dramatically in recent months. She jokes about it. She is fast approaching her 30th birthday, so I am cutting her some slack on this, but I am quietly concerned.
Quote: This is affair speak. It doesn't absolutely mean she is having an affair, but that statement is heard frequently by betrayed spouses.
I have my eyes wide open for this, but I truly do not beleive there is an affair going on for several reasons:
1) I have never caught her in even the smallest of lies since I've known her. She is excruciatingly honest and cannot keep a secret to save her life.
2) I have confronted her several times (pre-DBing) and she has denied it each time.
3) I have snooped very thoroughly and checked on her whereabouts and everything has checked out.
4) There isn't much opportunity. She could be sending lusty emails at work, but otherwise I don't know when she could pull it off.
Quote: Secondly, regardless of what she says, you are NOT meeting all her needs and you are not the perfect husband
There is no question that this is true. It has just been very difficult to get her to tell me what she needs me to do. She insists that I am wonderful and attentive and caring....and on and on.....
Nonetheless I have tried to be more mysterious, independent, attractive, less needy, more friendly, less pressuring for answers etc for about 2 months. I have seen some progress, but there is no intimacy, and I am wondering now if there ever really was any.
Quote: It is a long road and often seems very lonely.
We have no children and I am growing very impatient. Can it ever be great again or will I have to settle for "good"? Will I have to go through life as a colder, more reserved spouse forever in order to get some occasional positive response from my wife? Whenever I withhold from her, a little part of me dies inside. That seems to negate any positive response I receive from her in return. Very frustrating.
Quote: There is just something about that thrill of the first kiss and waiting to ML for the first time, and the all consuming passion that is at the beginning of a relationship. Isn't it great? It doesn't last.
I feel that my wife expected our marriage to be like this always. This is the feeling she wants to regain so badly for herself. Part of me feels that our relationship began declining the morning after we first had sex.
Quote: We wouldn't ML for a while, he would complain or nag and I would say to myself, well that's not the way to go about it buddy, and it would be just a little longer. What if he would have sent me a rose, called my from work, opened the door for me, what would it hurt..Kenny Rogers...Or if he would have booked the sitter and taken me out for dinner, surprised me with a weekend away from the kids. I love it when he makes dinner. Talking to me always works to. Get me a glass of wine, turn off the TV and sit on the couch with me.
I never complained or nagged and did exactly what you suggested from the beginning. I suspect now that my wife has lost some respect for me as a result. The wedge in our sex life was never my nagging or complaining, but her guilt over lack of desire.
How screwy is this? I feel like I'm playing a game I cannot win.
I'll throw in one more oddity from our relationship:
My wife will not go on vacation with me. She has no desire to be alone with me anywhere on vacation. I have offered to take her ANYWHERE she would like to go. She says she's not the vacationing type.
