I have been reading here for a couple of months, and now I feel I need your help and support,
Here is my story...
Me: 33
Wife: (30 soon)
together: 6 years
Married: 4 soon
My wife tells me and others that I am the perfect husband. So what is wrong and how can I make things right?
We had been dating for little more than a year when we moved in together. Sex was often and satisfying to me. We have plenty in common and I was sure that I had found my soulmate. Shortly after we moved in together my wife began pressing me for marriage. She was sure that we were meant to be together and I also believe that a part of her wanted to marry in order to gain approval from her parents over our living arrangement (strict Catholics).
I was more than willing and soon after we were engaged. That's when the frequency of our sexual encounters dropped off dramatically. We went from 2 or 3 times a week, to once a month. I remember feeling like the "tone" of our encounters went from lustful to dutiful on her part.
Within 6 months we were married and things went south from there. We went to Mexico for a one week honeymoon and did not have sex at all.
I was confused, hurt, and very worried about our marriage, but I did not mention it. I thought that she may simply be nervous about her new life with me and I wanted to give her space and be her friend and a supportive husband.
For the next 3 years we ML about once every month or two. Her initiaing only. She would often apologize for her lack of libido and I was understanding and supportive of her. Otherwise we got along splendidly. She is truly a best friend to me and I didn't want to mess it up over sex. I did notice that she would only initiate sex after she had a few drinks and I found this unsettling because whe is not much of a drinker.
Two months ago my wife came home from work and told me....."I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you".....
She said that she was having sexual feelings for a coworker and, while nothing inappropriate took place, these feelings scared her. She was afraid because she was having sexual feelings for others, but no longer wanted to touch me.
I pressed and she said that I wasn't keeping up my appearance (a claim I dispute but nonetheless I quickly dropped 20 lbs, get regular haircuts, contact, new clothes, etc. She says I look great now.), we didn't have much in common anymore, she needed space, still has the urge to "party" all of the time, doesn't know if she can be married, etc.... She then said it wasn't really my probelsm and that she has had this happen in previous relationships.
I freaked out on her and then calmed down and read DBing and PM and a number of other books.
Wife agreed to go to counseling (without me only as she claims it is HER problem) and try to work things out. At the second session her counselor told her that she may just be too immature to find lasting love, she may not be "wired that way" etc., and we quickly agreed on a separation.
Two days later I was helping her put her things together to move and she broke down and basically begged me to let her stay.
I relented and continued DBing.
Things have improved some, but she still needs a few drinks before we ML. Otherwise she has been more friendly and attentive without any real intimacy (ILY's or kissing, hugging).
So tonight I decided to try and initiate sex (she had just come home from happy hour) and I was politely
shot down. It was the first time I have tried to initiate sex in 5 years.
I don't know where to to go from here. Do I put force the issue a la PM, or continue to be patient as DBing requires?
I don't want to live my life without sex, and it seems that this is the real issue behind our current situation.
