Processing my husband's affair(s) (3 over 14 years of marriage) has been very difficult for me. I was unaware of first affair...he confessed to it after ending second affair. Therefore, I will usually speak in terms of the details of two affairs. That said, I know I am analyzing things to death but hey, I'm a woman in an analytical career...I'M ANALYTICAL.

Discovery of first known affair (in 1994) was devastating. Discovery occurred in late May, but he continued until September. She was the one who informed me through a third party. When I didn't kick him out, she initiated the full-court press. He thought it was a vow of love that she was trying so hard, until I made plans to leave him. He then ended it and she then tried the "I'm pregnant" lie. When he didn't fall for that, she started the phone calls to the office. I had informed him of all of the devious things she had said and done to me, but he refused to believe that this was her character...until she revealed her "true" self on his job. You should have seen his face when he had to stand before a judge to invoke a restraining order against her.

Anyway, I was committed to saving my marriage. When he came out of his fog, he was to. I entered counseling immediately after discovery. He refused. Things got better, we relocated in 1996, and he started up with someone here 6 months later.

Discovery of this last affair occured 2 weeks after I quit my job in 1997 to stay home with the kids and return to school. I could not believe we were going through this again. This time, however, I felt more anger than commitment. Again, he continued after discovery for 12+ months. (Not sure when he ended this one)

At this point, I question the validity of the entire marriage. What did/do we really have? I, of course, contribute to the problems in the marriage. I, however, can't get him to take the steps neccessary to rebuild. I have come to learn, by his actions (which contradict his words), that he likes a large emotional distance that is not acceptable for me. He also has a problem with accountability. It's like being married to a single person.

The affairs have helped me to recognize many of the issues that have long bothered me. It is the pattern of behavior that I dislike...in the affairs, they were magnified.

When I was able to quiet myself after the fallout(s), I came to recognize that after I did the things that he asked, he still did not attempt to meet my needs...at least not consistently. He still stays out with the boys, doesn't call when he'll be late. Actually he doesn't really have a routine. He in sales and works from home, so his schedule is far from routine in general. His lack of accountability is also evident in our finances, household responsibilities, etc.
He won't discuss the affairs...just wants to move on. To what...the next one? He rarely even sleeps in the same bed with me (by his own choice). Long time problem, but he doesn't seem to see why this is such a big deal for me?!? But, he will get in the bed with me at 3 AM and expect intimacy.

Like many others who have posted, I was bothered by the gifts...but I was able to get over that. This may sound odd, but I have compartmentalized the "issues" into two categories. The affair relationship issues such as the lies, late nights, gifts, etc. all go along with the territory of affairs. That has been easier to forgive than what I call the "courage" issues. These include the continuation after the discoveries, the face-to-face confrontations wherein he did not respond appropriately to me (THE WIFE), defending her to me (particularly the first one), neglecting FAMILY obligations and occassions, etc.

This is where I have lost trust not only in his ability to be faithful, but in his commitment to this marriage and family. Maybe its not possible to have an affair without neglecting your family and outwardly disrespecting your wife.

The contradiction comes when he says he NEVER intended to leave me...it was just an escape...yet, when the decision points arose that forced him to choose between his wife/family and her, WE lost.

This issue also goes beyond the affair. I often complain about my position on his priority list. Example, I spent my first mothers day at home with our baby while he spent the day with his buddy.

I apologize for rambling. Please help. Any advise would be appreciated.